Will this ever end?

[paulaj]

I'm still going through boxes of paperwork. I can only do it so long, then memories kick in and I have to stop. I think he saved everything. His study was crammed with stuff - I just closed the door. It was his space. He knew where everything of importance was located. But, on the other hand, why save traffic tickets receipts from 1984? And other stuff like that. Sometimes I think I'll start finding fossils. I can't just dump the boxes, because every so often I come upon something useful or of sentimental value. I have four giant trash bags full of shredding. This is a real problem. It is too much to shred on a home shredder. There is a city ordinance against burning Office man shreds by the pound, but is not secure - they send it to another facility. I want to see it shredded in front of me. Commercial services for offices are too expensive. Right now, I'm trying to dissolve some of it in a trash can full of water. This is not working too well. Unless I add caustic chemicals and pollute the soil. Does anybody know of some safe substance I can add? Help! I don't want to be stuck with these memories forever.

I have found the more I give away, it's helping me to move on. Giving to people who will love whatever it is. In his memory. For the most part it is a painful process, but every so often, I stumble across something that makes me smile. I wish I was finished with this. I feel like I'm holding back the ocean with a broom. Anybody else going through the same thing?

Mandala

[widower2]

Not now, but initially I had a ton of stuff go to through, including a lot of unopened mail. I had to laugh at your traffic ticket and fossils comment She actually would go through and throw out a lot of stuff, but let it build up a lot before doing so, and in the final months it was too much so I had whole bagfuls too. I did shred it ,just did as much as I could stand and took a break, came back later and did more. If you have a wood-burning fireplace you could go through it quicker that way-hang in there-!

[paulaj]

Thank you for your reply. I really need to put a humorous slant on this situation. Maybe I can pretend he's Java Man and I"m an archeologist. Bring on the pottery shards, baby! This has been going off and on for five years. This is not the first bunch of boxes I've gone through, but I could throw most of the trash out before. I finally called my son and he had an idea. "You may have an ordinance against burning, but you can own a grill. Buy a cheap grill and start burning." This is a good idea, but has a few problems. I've lived in cities all my life and have never used a grill. I really don't want to burn the house down. I do know they are used outside.

Yesterday, I uncovered a box full of cancelled checks spanning a decade (1990-2000), in sequential order, no less. I couldn't take that much of his handwriting at once, my cousin did me a favor and shredded them. So,on I go...

Reporting from the trash pile,

Mandala

[widower2]

Thank you for your reply. I really need to put a humorous slant on this situation. Maybe I can pretend he's Java Man and I"m an archeologist. Bring on the pottery shards, baby! This has been going off and on for five years. This is not the first bunch of boxes I've gone through, but I could throw most of the trash out before. I finally called my son and he had an idea. "You may have an ordinance against burning, but you can own a grill. Buy a cheap grill and start burning." This is a good idea, but has a few problems. I've lived in cities all my life and have never used a grill. I really don't want to burn the house down. I do know they are used outside.

Yesterday, I uncovered a box full of cancelled checks spanning a decade (1990-2000), in sequential order, no less. I couldn't take that much of his handwriting at once, my cousin did me a favor and shredded them. So,on I go...

Reporting from the trash pile,

Mandala

ha - yes take whatever smiles or humour you can! If you find hieoglyphics let me know I also realized something - a lot of that you don't have to shred, just toss it. What's someone going to do - purge his bank account? You should have any accounts in just your name by now (and they can change the account numbers for you for extra security). And any receipt of anything more than about 5 (maybe 6-7 yrs tops) old cannot be useful or accountable in any way. No one is coming back and going "heyyy how do we know he paid this 1984 ticket?"

Re the grill, you won't burn the house down. Get a charcoal one though, not gas (ie assuming you want it mostly for this task and won't grill a lot). All those ashes would muck up a gas grill quickly. Good luck!

[paulaj]

Thank you for your feedback widower2. You seem to be very practical. I think I'll take some time off today. Perhaps tomorrow, I'll be back at the beginning of time! BTW, how is the job situation? You are in my thoughts...

Sincerely,

Mandala

[widower2]

{BS post deleted)

Wow what a flaming pile of poo you are, using a site like this to advertise your craptacular merchandise. It doesn't get much lower than you. Do you steal candy from babies and tear the wings off of flies too?

PS TO ALL: I have it on good authority this site is a SCAM - not that I think you'd be inclined but do NOT buy anything from here.

[widower2]

Thank you for your feedback widower2. You seem to be very practical. I think I'll take some time off today. Perhaps tomorrow, I'll be back at the beginning of time! BTW, how is the job situation? You are in my thoughts...

Sincerely,

Mandala

Hi and thanks all around...job hunting is slow going, thx for asking. Yes, take off whatever time you need to! There are no timelines here. King Tut can wait.

[blueheaven]

I'm new here unfortunately. My husband died from liver cancer June 25th. He went through much of his "stuff" and discarded a LOT of things but he didn't get rid of all of it. He wrote poety, stories, receipts and kept all kinds of things that were of sentimental value to him. Many of this stuff carries no value to me but I worry that one of his kids might want it. I started going through his clothing a couple weeks ago and just couldn't do it. It's too soon for me. I just put everything back in his closet and closed the door. I will deal with it when I am a little farther along.

Mandala, your postings made me smile and I know exactly where you are coming from

[Mdanielson4]

It is spooky how we all feel the same way. I thought for so long that I was the only person with these kind of feelings. I figured I was just weak because I couldn't deal with taking care of the things left behind. I made some progress but so much farther to go. For weeks I tripped over my wifes shoes and couldn't move them. The blanket on the chair, it has been over two months and I still can't touch it. The mail she kept for shredding I can't believe it. I don't know where to start. i have no family near, it is me and me alone. Lately I haven't got the strength to evan consider to tackle it. I don't like to come home from work because I don't know if I can stand being here. I am afraid I am loosing this battle.

[widower2]

It is spooky how we all feel the same way. I thought for so long that I was the only person with these kind of feelings. I figured I was just weak because I couldn't deal with taking care of the things left behind. I made some progress but so much farther to go. For weeks I tripped over my wifes shoes and couldn't move them. The blanket on the chair, it has been over two months and I still can't touch it. The mail she kept for shredding I can't believe it. I don't know where to start. i have no family near, it is me and me alone. Lately I haven't got the strength to evan consider to tackle it. I don't like to come home from work because I don't know if I can stand being here. I am afraid I am loosing this battle.

MD, pls give yourself time. It took me months to deal with her "stuff" (I still am) and I wasn't even working. Though it was just me alone as well. I just chipped away at it in bits and pieces - drawer of things here, part of the closet there etc. You're not losing - you're dealing with this best you can a day at at time. Ultimately I feel very confident you will in fact "win" - ie survive this. Trust me I know how impossible it may seem much of the time but I believe it. Hang in there.

[Mdanielson4]

MD, pls give yourself time. It took me months to deal with her "stuff" (I still am) and I wasn't even working. Though it was just me alone as well. I just chipped away at it in bits and pieces - drawer of things here, part of the closet there etc. You're not losing - you're dealing with this best you can a day at at time. Ultimately I feel very confident you will in fact "win" - ie survive this. Trust me I know how impossible it may seem much of the time but I believe it. Hang in there.

I know everyone says only time will heal the pain. I just hurt so much I don't see it. I have to find faith that will carry me through. The councilor I am seeing has requested I join a church locally, and find a bereavement group. I am working on this within the next two weeks. I have to travel Monday and Tuesday but when I come back Wed I have to hit it hard and find these things to help me cope. It is very hard for me to accept outside help, Mary and I counted on each other and we didn't ask for outside help. Unfamilure teritory is difficult for me. I will admitt this forum has helped me vent, and when I get feedback it shows me people truly care. I love you all who are willing to help others. I am someone who whould not normally ask for help but there is some kind of comfort I find here. Thank you!!!

[widower2]

I know everyone says only time will heal the pain. I just hurt so much I don't see it. I have to find faith that will carry me through. The councilor I am seeing has requested I join a church locally, and find a bereavement group. I am working on this within the next two weeks. I have to travel Monday and Tuesday but when I come back Wed I have to hit it hard and find these things to help me cope. It is very hard for me to accept outside help, Mary and I counted on each other and we didn't ask for outside help. Unfamilure teritory is difficult for me. I will admitt this forum has helped me vent, and when I get feedback it shows me people truly care. I love you all who are willing to help others. I am someone who whould not normally ask for help but there is some kind of comfort I find here. Thank you!!!

You're welcome. But let me clarify: I am absolutely not saying "only time will heal the pain" and anyone who says that is IMO flat wrong. First, it takes more than just time, although time is a biggie. Second, it won't totally heal the pain - I don't think feeling sad for their loss or missing them ever just "goes away." But I do think that eventually that searing anguish will give way to a more manageable feeling, recovery to an extent, and an ability to stand back up and live a life worth living again. Different, for sure, and not easy, but workable and worth the effort.

Hope the group helps. A church is a good place to try, but keep in mind likely not the only one. Research your area and find out what is there....try one for awhile; if you're not caring for it, try another. Good luck!

[paulaj]

Hello Everybody!

Today I started burning my husband's junk - remember this is five years later. I threw things out from time to time but I had so much left I decided to burn it on a cheap grill. My cousin and I are both inner-city folk and don't know one end of a grill from another. We couldn't figure out why paper wouldn't burn, until we realized it needed air. Where are the three stooges when you need them? Smokey the Bear? Due to the city ordinance against burning, we have to make sure there is not too much smoke or the fire department will show up. This is going to take a long time, and I have to be persistent. At least, that is what I keep telling myself. I try not to look at what I am burning, because of the memories it brings. But on I go...

Mandala