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Still can't cope with loss of my dad


walker22

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I'm 18 now and my dad killed himself when I was 12 years old in the fifth grade. This is the first time I've ever joined a forum or really talked about how I've been dealing with it. My mom and dad were divorced from when I was a baby (I'm the youngest of three.) my dad was an alcoholic, but not an angry drunk, he really loved us but just could not get his life together. Me, my brother and my sister would visit him every other weekend. My sister stopped going when my grandma on my dads side passed away who I was also very close with. Me, my mom and my siblings lived in a house with my grandma and papa, and my uncle who suffered from a very light form of downs syndrome. After my grandma died on my dads side my papa passed away, which we were very close and this hurt alot. My dad got progressively worse and one time while me and my brother were at his house he got drunk( which he had done before, but he never got angry at us he just moped around) I didn't wanna be there so I called my mon to pick me up. My dad got mad and said that I didn't love him, then drove me ad my brother home speeding the whole way crying. I remember telling my mom later that night at my house that I thought he was going to kill himself. That may have been the last time I saw my dad. I dont remeber how much time passed, but one day I came home from school and my mom told me that my dad had killed himself. No note, no goodbye, no nothing. My grandad on my dads side( who my dad lived with) came home and found him dead with a gun in his hand. I've always felt that I caused him to do this, my family never got counseled or anything of that sort, my older sister is 24 and is a nurse, but I can tell she still has things not settled. Now, my brother is almost the exact person my dad is, minus the drinking, he is 20 and is in the national guard and is going to community college and honestly I don't like him at all.. My mom has had to assume the role of mom/dad since I was a baby. The two "father figures" in my life are gone- my dad and my papa. I never get cut any slack, I have so many friends with perfect dads who they learn so much from and all I can do is be jealous of what I'll never have. Nobody seems to understand the way I think or process things. I over analyze everything I do. This past year(2011) my uncle who lived with us got cancer and passed away on thanksgiving morning. It's been really hard to live withso many people in my life passing away. I'm very prone to quitting things, sports, jobs. Is this because in my life I can't have a constant thing because I fear it'll die or disappoint me? I'm known to be the one who never tells anybody anything, I can't talk to my mom about it all she does is make it worse for her. She told me once that weeks before he killed himself that he had been calling her saying he was sick ( could have been liver cancer) and was going to kill himself....I've just always thought why couldn't I have a dad, someone to teach me things and show me the right things to do. I quit everything because the person who was suppose to teach me not to quit, quit on life. Am I crazy?

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I'm 18 now and my dad killed himself when I was 12 years old in the fifth grade. This is the first time I've ever joined a forum or really talked about how I've been dealing with it. My mom and dad were divorced from when I was a baby (I'm the youngest of three.) my dad was an alcoholic, but not an angry drunk, he really loved us but just could not get his life together. Me, my brother and my sister would visit him every other weekend. My sister stopped going when my grandma on my dads side passed away who I was also very close with. Me, my mom and my siblings lived in a house with my grandma and papa, and my uncle who suffered from a very light form of downs syndrome. After my grandma died on my dads side my papa passed away, which we were very close and this hurt alot. My dad got progressively worse and one time while me and my brother were at his house he got drunk( which he had done before, but he never got angry at us he just moped around) I didn't wanna be there so I called my mon to pick me up. My dad got mad and said that I didn't love him, then drove me ad my brother home speeding the whole way crying. I remember telling my mom later that night at my house that I thought he was going to kill himself. That may have been the last time I saw my dad. I dont remeber how much time passed, but one day I came home from school and my mom told me that my dad had killed himself. No note, no goodbye, no nothing. My grandad on my dads side( who my dad lived with) came home and found him dead with a gun in his hand. I've always felt that I caused him to do this, my family never got counseled or anything of that sort, my older sister is 24 and is a nurse, but I can tell she still has things not settled. Now, my brother is almost the exact person my dad is, minus the drinking, he is 20 and is in the national guard and is going to community college and honestly I don't like him at all.. My mom has had to assume the role of mom/dad since I was a baby. The two "father figures" in my life are gone- my dad and my papa. I never get cut any slack, I have so many friends with perfect dads who they learn so much from and all I can do is be jealous of what I'll never have. Nobody seems to understand the way I think or process things. I over analyze everything I do. This past year(2011) my uncle who lived with us got cancer and passed away on thanksgiving morning. It's been really hard to live withso many people in my life passing away. I'm very prone to quitting things, sports, jobs. Is this because in my life I can't have a constant thing because I fear it'll die or disappoint me? I'm known to be the one who never tells anybody anything, I can't talk to my mom about it all she does is make it worse for her. She told me once that weeks before he killed himself that he had been calling her saying he was sick ( could have been liver cancer) and was going to kill himself....I've just always thought why couldn't I have a dad, someone to teach me things and show me the right things to do. I quit everything because the person who was suppose to teach me not to quit, quit on life. Am I crazy?

You are far from crazy. You are very normal. You have been through alot in a short time. I'm not really sure why you keep quitting things. Are you afraid to succeed? Do you get bored? Are you in the wrong sports or activities? Perhaps you need to seek a professional counselor. Do you know of a health clinic where you can ask about a counselor or do you have a school counselor you can talk to?

Some people do grow up without a father, and it can be tough. You have every chance to be what you want to be in life, regardless of what happened in the past.

So what are you goals for yourself? Do you have any?

ModKonnie

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I'm going to college this fall but I'm undecided on a major

Oh hey,

General studies classes (like English, math, science) will help you get into the swing of things while you are deciding what to do with your career. Be sure and take advantage of any career counseling and counseling your college has to offer. They often have personality/strengths assessments that tell you where your talents are.

You write well, so I can tell you that will be a benefit in college.

What kinds of things do you like? Hobbies? Reading? Music?

My children were all non-traditional athletes. They hated the ball sports, so we did Karate, dance, gymnastics, swimming, etc. My husband hated sports in general, so he started working out in the classes at the gym and joined the chess club at the library.

So, there are things for everybody out there.

We just have to find yours.

ModKonnie

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