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My mother is dying


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My name is Maren. My mother celebrated her birthday on the 29th of last month. She's 72 and she's dying. It's happening so fast. For her birthday, we took her out to lunch at a local restaurant. She was walking with a cane then, but now she can't walk at all. She can't sit up on her own or roll over. She used to be such a vibrate, energetic woman, and now she has no strength at all. It's like watching a clock slowly winding down, and there's nothing we can do about it. She's incontinent. She's having strokes, the most recent one having occurred last Wednesday, but the doctors don't acknowledge it's happening. I feel abandoned and horribly betrayed by them. It's the white elephant in the room. I know there's nothing that can be done, but I don't understand why they won't just say she's dying and tell us what to expect next?

Mom's so confused, with fewer and fewer lucid moments, but her Alzheimer's test came back negative. Dad has become the enemy, and now so have I. That hurts, but it's part of the process and I can accept that. Mom can barely hold a conversation anymore. She loses her words or just trails away, and sometimes even falls asleep in the middle of it. She sleeps a lot now, slipping in and out of naps all the time, and the rest of us move around her like wraiths, trying to keep her comfortable, calm and cared for. My aunt (her sister) calls every day to talk to her. She's angry with us because we moved mom into a hospital bed. It was just too hard to get mom in and out of her old bed (it had a very high foundation which put the mattress hip-high) and with the hospital bed, mom can sit up or lie down at the push of a button, but that doesn't seem to matter much to my aunt.

We used to call mom The Hobbit because she used to eat tiny meals every couple hours all day long. But now her digestive system seems to be shutting down. A few days ago, she began throwing up when she ate. Now, she'll still drink but won't take more than a bite or two of solid foods like maltomeal or applesauce. We've been giving her Ensure, chocolate milk and juice because she won't drink anything else (and if she knew we were putting Ensure in her chocolate milk, she wouldn't drink that either). She's coughing. She's having trouble swallowing, and she's cold. She used to read all the time, but now she just holds her book and she moves the book mark around from page to page and her hands make strange plucking motions at the blankets, like she's trying to pick up something that isn't there. She says she's watching TV, but it hasn't been on in days. She says to tell the angels not to rub her feet because her commode is at the foot of the bed, so I told a perfectly empty room not to rub her feet. I wish I could just cry, but the tears don't come. At least she's not in any pain. I cling to that and am grateful. I apologize for how rambling this all is, and I hope I haven't offended anyone by posting here while mom's still alive. I just needed to vent, and no one here wants to talk about it.

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cant move on

Hi Maren. I really hope you're still reading the forums. I know it's very difficult to have to watch someone we love slowly leave us. My wife no longer had a clue who I was towards the end either, and it really hurt.

Don't worry about rambling, rambling in my opinion is the best way to get things out. You're not offending anyone by posting here, first of all that's what this section of the forum is for, and secondly you're grieving, and even though she's still with us, you're still grieving.

Everyone on this site is here to receive, and offer support.

Please come on and vent whenever you please. I'll be looking for you to insure you don't have to wait so long next time. Take care.

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Hi Maren. I really hope you're still reading the forums. I know it's very difficult to have to watch someone we love slowly leave us. My wife no longer had a clue who I was towards the end either, and it really hurt.

Don't worry about rambling, rambling in my opinion is the best way to get things out. You're not offending anyone by posting here, first of all that's what this section of the forum is for, and secondly you're grieving, and even though she's still with us, you're still grieving.

Everyone on this site is here to receive, and offer support.

Please come on and vent whenever you please. I'll be looking for you to insure you don't have to wait so long next time. Take care.

Thank you. Mom died last Thursday. I've been trying to help Dad with the funeral arrangements. We will be driving to Utah to meet up with Mom's siblings and their families and from there, will drive out to Idaho to the family plot to bury her. I haven't seen any of these people in over 20 years. I want to go for no other reason than to see Mom buried with my brother and two sisters. These strangers are technically family too, but I have no desire to talk to any of them or to have my grief put on public display. I don't know how I'm going to handle any of this yet, but I've got a few weeks to figure it out, I suppose.

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cant move on

I am so sorry Maren. I know how difficult it is to talk when a funeral is aproaching. I'll be with you in spirit. If things get too hard to handle find a quiet place and talk to me in silence. You'd be surprised at how much that can help.

Upon your return please continue posting, and you'll be in constant contact with friends who truly care and understand.

Please accept my my condolences for the previous loss of your brother and sisters.

Take care and I'll talk to you when you get back.

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