"Dating" again....

[widower2]

Came up in another thread and wondering if anyone is interested in discussing....clearly if you're early in the grieving process it's probably highly inadvisable, and for some perhaps "never" is the short answer (more so the older one is. generally speaking) - but for some the need for companionship is too great to ignore, despite the concern of being "out there" again and the whole goofy dating process.

Anyway, I'd be interested to hear your thoughts, esp if you're thinking about it, or have done it and the good or bad of it, etc. I'm not there yet after a year but I think sooner or later I will "have" to. I'm middle-aged and not ready to spend the rest of my life alone, although obviously it might turn out that way anyway.

[lreneterry]

For me, yes, I do want companionship again. I think that is part of the reason why I fill my days with work and school. I have tried once. Not ready yet. I have a friend with benefits but that only kinda fills the physical void. He is nothing like him but I still compare. Which is not fair to my friend no matter that he doesn't want a long term relationship. My Dad took 13 years to find someone. That was 15/16 years ago and they still aren't married but they are comfortable with the relationship that they have. I don't want to wait that long... But I think that until a little more healing takes place that I will wait.

[paulaj]

Is there a forum for *moving on*? People who have come out the other side of this grief and found whatever makes them content? A ray of hope would be nice. I wonder if age has anything to do with finding an appropriate partner. I talk to young people who say it's a jungle out there. I remind myself 50% or so of the population is single! I think the thread is a good idea.

Love and Peace,

Mandala

[cant move on]

I think you've hit on a good topic for a thread widower2. It's been five years for me but I still see myself as being married. I know this probably isn't very healthy but that's the way it is. I have no physical desires, but the occasional hug wouldn't hurt, physically that's the only thing I miss. Until I'm stronger psychologically I wouldn't be a good a very good catch anyway so it's just as well. In short I have no intention to, but you can never say never.

[widower2]

Thx - yes I think it's a topic well worth discussing, esp given losing one's spouse or partner. Again I think all things being equal the older one is the less of an issue this is and for some regardless of age they simply aren't interested, and there's certainly nothing wrong with that. It's diff for everyone. It's just hard after being with one person for a long time to even consider sharing your life with another person, let alone actually doing it........

[paulaj]

I forgot to mention - l still feel married like cant move on. I have my husband's picture on the pillow beside me. I feel protected and loved. If I ever start setting a place for him at dinner they can come and take me away! the small intimacies outweigh physical desire now. I wonder what or who it would take to bring that back. There is so much to this topic. Does anyone want to take this to chat? Hopefully, I can find my way around to the chat room.

Sincerely,

Mandala

[widower2]

I forgot to mention - l still feel married like cant move on. I have my husband's picture on the pillow beside me. I feel protected and loved. If I ever start setting a place for him at dinner they can come and take me away! the small intimacies outweigh physical desire now. I wonder what or who it would take to bring that back. There is so much to this topic. Does anyone want to take this to chat? Hopefully, I can find my way around to the chat room.

Sincerely,

Mandala

Sure, there are a few semi-regulars showing up off and on, join in. Agree that the emotional closeless is far, far more important than anything else. Tough call...on the one hand, I can relate to not wanting anyone else because it can never be the same and that whole thing of getting to know someone and get close - ugh. I didn't like all that dating BS when I was younger, not sure how I'd have the stomach for it now. On the other hand loneliness is everything it's cracked up to be........and a relationship can take many forms. It doesn't have to end in marriage or another "true love" even, per se. A good, trusted companion to spend time with who you're comfortable with would in my opinion be a big victory.

[ms murray]

Thx - yes I think it's a topic well worth discussing, esp given losing one's spouse or partner. Again I think all things being equal the older one is the less of an issue this is and for some regardless of age they simply aren't interested, and there's certainly nothing wrong with that. It's diff for everyone. It's just hard after being with one person for a long time to even consider sharing your life with another person, let alone actually doing it........

Hello. I am new to this website, but not to moving on. I have been widowed twice. I was 50 when I lost my first husband of 32 years. I joined a widow/widowers support group and it helped immensely. I eventually became a facilitator for the group. During that time, I learned a lot about me and was concentrating on my new self. The first thing I learned was that I was still alive!! That made a big difference in how I looked at life. Yes, I loved my husband who I had two wonderful children with, but I also found I loved myself too. Then a man from the support group asked me out.. (Be advised, my support group is not a dating service, it truly is a group of folks who have been through the grief process and are there to help newly widowed and those widowed longer.) I was not looking to date, or fall in love again, but sometimes things just happen. Well, things blossomed and I married him. He was older and became quite ill. We were married for 13 years before I lost him. It was different than my first marriage, but was a good one. I went back to widow/widowers support to help me through this loss and then began facilitating again. Our group has between 25 to 30 people every week and most of them are moving on. Age does have something to do with interest, but most are looking for the opportunities to go to plays, movies, dinner, concerts, etc. with someone of the opposite sex without any conditions. It is hard to get started, but once you catch up with old or new friends, dating or not, going out with the girls or the guys or both is fulfilling.

[paulaj]

I'm relatively new to this site. If anyone wants to take this to chat, we probably should agree on day and time (suitable for all time zones). I wonder what form a relationship would take now. I enjoy good company and conversation - friends are good. If something turns into anything else, I'll have to play it by ear.

Mandala

[widower2]

A little surprised more haven't responded until I realized - most people here have probably lost someone recently (or are about to) and so in no emotional state to "date." duh. Well as some have said, even simple friendship/ companionship could be great and plenty at this point...

[paulaj]

Hi W2!

Hope you are well. Maybe others like myself, are ambivalent. How do you know when you're ready to date? Do you know what qualities you're looking for? Would I know it if I saw it? I never planned on spending the rest of my life alone either. But I can't imagine who would replace my husband. Or even what (ha)..Someone alike or totally different? Human or Martian?

Mandala

[widower2]

Hi W2!

Hope you are well. Maybe others like myself, are ambivalent. How do you know when you're ready to date? Do you know what qualities you're looking for? Would I know it if I saw it? I never planned on spending the rest of my life alone either. But I can't imagine who would replace my husband. Or even what (ha)..Someone alike or totally different? Human or Martian?

Mandala

Hi mandala, hanging in there thx, hope you are doing the same. All good questions with no pat/easy answers. I know I'm not there yet but wow do days (and esp nights) get lonely, so I'm torn. I guess that's why I'm hoping I could just find someone in just a friendship/companionship way, but that's so much easier said than done, esp as you get older...most people are looking for a romantical relationship. And it can all get so complex so easily.......not the least of which is our old foe guilt rearing its ugly head. How can I possibly think of someone else? My attention should be on her, even if she's not here any more.

I so hate this.

[paulaj]

W2,

I get lonely too. A friendship/companionship relationship would work for me, but the men I've met seem to want something more, and guess what that is? And I hardly know them. I think my husband would want me to do whatever would make me happy. I'd rather be alone, than have somebody around getting on my last good nerve! I've seen couples who would put up with anything, just so they wouldn't be alone. Some people fear being alone. I think you have to have enough self-esteem and love for yourself to enjoy your own company. I've met enough couples who exist on relationships based on "quiet despair." Having said this, now what?

Be Well,

Mandala

[widower2]

W2,

I get lonely too. A friendship/companionship relationship would work for me, but the men I've met seem to want something more, and guess what that is? And I hardly know them. I think my husband would want me to do whatever would make me happy. I'd rather be alone, than have somebody around getting on my last good nerve! I've seen couples who would put up with anything, just so they wouldn't be alone. Some people fear being alone. I think you have to have enough self-esteem and love for yourself to enjoy your own company. I've met enough couples who exist on relationships based on "quiet despair." Having said this, now what?

Be Well,

Mandala

Well, I think fearing being alone in general is different from what we are going through. Not about self-esteem etc. But yeah I'd rather be alone than with someone I don't like. Hang in there not all guys are jerks. I have to remember not all women are psycho too.

[VivianJ]

My husband passed away a little over a year ago. I met someone 7 months ago, I was so surprised that we had so much in common. Yes, I will marry again.

Vivian

[widower2]

Best of luck to you with that. It's diff for everyone. I still can't imagine dating and feel guilty for even thinking about it, but I have no desire to be alone the rest of my life. I think I will date sooner or later but no idea when and really dread the idea for various reasons.

[Mdanielson4]

I'm afraid of this post, I don't know how to tell if I am ready or if I ever will be ready. I miss her and am very lonely, I don't know what to do about it. All I can tell you with great certainty Is I am afraid of this post.

Mike

[arnoldsmb]

For me right now it is not even a thought just because I haven't got there yet ( I don't know if I ever will). But I encourage anyone that feels they are ready to

not spend the rest of their time alone if it feels right for them. I watched my mom after my father's death and she did meet someone (it had been close to 4 years)

And I thought it was really good for her. My dad would not have wanted her to be alone and I did see her happy after his death. That did not take away

anything from the love she felt for me or for my dad.

[obeedo]

Dating what is that? I cant understand why they just wont back off. I want to work. But its all a mirage to get in your pants. what makes a man think he can fix it all with a simple kiss a touch and lets not forget the i need yous. your great. l want to take you with me when i travel. i want a partner. sure is all i can say cause anyone who realy cared for you wouldnt rush you and bring up all the things he could fix if you would just let him. He tells me this is a chance of a lifetime. He travels he is a hard worker. A officer (government) in the community. a well known man with a bigger than life smile. his kids are great people. but he just wants to cuddle me. I feel like if i was heartless and money motivated Id drop my pants and get it on with him. but thats not me. when he tells me come here i start to shake like im doing something terribly wrong I go home to my dog whos dying of cancer and im lost. why in gods name do i have to go through this.

[Caremal]

Dating WOW that is a loaded subject. Almost 8 months since I lost my husband of 32 years. I tried to date a few weeks ago and what a DISASTER it was. I got there driving myself (which I think is a good idea) and looked in and my heart sank my throat was in my stomach and my stomach was in my throat. I went home and had a really big pitty party all by my self. I just did not have the guts to go threw the dinner with someone new. This dating thing scares the hell out of me - and yet I do not want to live my life with out anyone. I know life can be more fun with a good friend in it. I hope I can try it again someday with better results……