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Missing Jason


supernana

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This is new to me. Glad I found the site, because I seem to be taking steps backward through this process. my oldest son Jason died 4 years ago on Sept. 21. I don't know what to say other than I have come to understand that I am not the same person I was....... relationships with my husband, 2 surviving sons, and people in general have changed. so much. I feel like I have isolated myself somewhat. I rarely feel any true joy or laugh any more. I have learned to cope, but feel like I am on auto pilot most days. I know it has the classical signs of depression, I am on an antidepressant. I am raising 2 beautiful grandchildren and have a good job. I haven't crawled into a hole. I am just not the person I was and I want that person back. The trauma leading up to my son's death, and the fact that I found him still haunt me, although not anywhere close to what it was even a year ago. I guess I'm just venting to anyone that might understand. I don't visit his grave site any more because it hurts so much. I think I have stuffed it down for so long now, and that has done more harm than healing. I don't want to rehash the whole story here, not yet. Just wondering if anyone out there understands this change and what they are doing about it.

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tobyfreefoot

This is new to me. Glad I found the site, because I seem to be taking steps backward through this process. my oldest son Jason died 4 years ago on Sept. 21. I don't know what to say other than I have come to understand that I am not the same person I was....... relationships with my husband, 2 surviving sons, and people in general have changed. so much. I feel like I have isolated myself somewhat. I rarely feel any true joy or laugh any more. I have learned to cope, but feel like I am on auto pilot most days. I know it has the classical signs of depression, I am on an antidepressant. I am raising 2 beautiful grandchildren and have a good job. I haven't crawled into a hole. I am just not the person I was and I want that person back. The trauma leading up to my son's death, and the fact that I found him still haunt me, although not anywhere close to what it was even a year ago. I guess I'm just venting to anyone that might understand. I don't visit his grave site any more because it hurts so much. I think I have stuffed it down for so long now, and that has done more harm than healing. I don't want to rehash the whole story here, not yet. Just wondering if anyone out there understands this change and what they are doing about it.

my son died a year ago this month. i feel exactly like you do with the exception i'm not to the point i want my old self back. in my mind i would have to not have had this experience, i would have to forget my son existed to get my old self back. even then i could not be my old self as he had so much impact on my life. today is my birthday and i just feel like i'm getting further from life with my son in it and i don't want that. i have 3 other children and a 8 month old grandchild. i believe i do understand how you feel. i am not as happy as i was and don't think i ever will be. the best days of my life, when all my children were living is gone. click on loss of a child and then click loss of an adult child and you will find a very active forum of parents to support you, tell you what they are doing to combat or accept it, listen to you, want to know about your child and the rest of your family. it has been helpful to me. i don't feel quite so alone.

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Dear Sharon Welcome to our Grieving Board

I am glad that you found this site as it has helped me cope and given me a safe haven to express my loss , sadness and despair. I lost my only son, Stephen 5 years ago and understand exactly how you feel and have experienced what you describe. We have been through a devastating experience and I now understand that I have been changed forever by the loss. The wonderful people here call it the "New Normal"

Living without my son has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my lifetime . Coming here posting to the Loss of Adult child board started me an on the positive journey to recovery.

Sharing my thoughts and fears with the people who understand as few others can opened new doors in my mind and spirit and I am able to smile and plan again I still miss Stephen every moment of every day however it is softer and I can smile again

Please keep posting, reading and sharing You are worth it. I

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I am brand new to this forum as well and I am having a lot of the same feelings. I lost my son on June 14th. My son took his own life. I know it's only been a little over a month but I feel like the grieving has just started. After his death there were so many things to take care of and to keep me busy. Now I'm still tying up some loose ends but lately I feel as if I don't "feel" anything. I feel blank. Empty. I feel as if I am forcing myself to do the things i used to do. Forcing myself to go to work. Forcing myself to go to the gym. All the while I feel as though an anchor is trying to pull me under. The thing is, I'm tired of pushing forward but too dammed afraid of being pulled under. I actually feel envious of happy people and people that have their sons. How pathetic am I?

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BreathofAngel

I am brand new to this forum as well and I am having a lot of the same feelings. I lost my son on June 14th. My son took his own life. I know it's only been a little over a month but I feel like the grieving has just started. After his death there were so many things to take care of and to keep me busy. Now I'm still tying up some loose ends but lately I feel as if I don't "feel" anything. I feel blank. Empty. I feel as if I am forcing myself to do the things i used to do. Forcing myself to go to work. Forcing myself to go to the gym. All the while I feel as though an anchor is trying to pull me under. The thing is, I'm tired of pushing forward but too dammed afraid of being pulled under. I actually feel envious of happy people and people that have their sons. How pathetic am I?

Dearest (((((((Anthony's Mom))))))), I welcome you to this forum. Please accept my deepest condolences on the physical loss of your dear son.

To answer your question -- you are not pathetic. You are sensing and feeling emotions that tend to override one's normal, rational way of thinking, dearheart. Under the circumstances, it is expected to feel as you do. While you are feeling obvious grief, the beautiful part of this situation for your son is that he is being embraced by God in Heaven and is in no more physical pain. And while others may still have their sons or family members, one does not know for how long they will have them. No one knows their appointed time when God will remember them and take them back home to Him. Therefore, people need to always be in good standing with God so that when the time comes peace and tranquility will abound. You are a loving Mom, I can see that in your posting. Your love for your son will live on for eons of time. That sacred bond shall never be severed again. Life continues and so does the Love!

In the meantime, know that we are here to offer comfort to you as well as our words and thoughts to let you know that you are not alone. There was a reason why you came here and it is because most everyone understands your feelings as they may be undergoing something similar at the moment. But together, in spiritual harmony and cohesiveness, we can all pull for one another, pray for each other, and let others know that they are not alone thus, we are not alone either since we have all of you as well.

May God bless you always, dearest and may His grace shine upon you and your wonderful son and embrace both of you tightly in His most Divine arms.

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