Don't know how to grieve-or how to live

[walton1]

I don't know what I'm doing here but...since there's no one else to talk to I figured it can't hurt. Nothing like being anonymous to encourage letting ones emotions go I guess. I lost my older sister to cancer almost 2 years ago. She was my best friend and lived two houses away. We only knew she had cancer a month before she died and right until the end were told by doctors she stood a good chance. A month after she died we were still getting test results back. One of the joys of living on an island I guess. Because she was also going through a divorce and the new girlfriend is not very nice (putting it nicely) we have also been denied contact with her 3 girls- identical twins who are now 14 and one who's almost 6. My Mom and I helped raise them - I had the youngest for over a month during my sisters time in the hospital. My Grandmother died from Alzheimer's a month later. When you are so entertwined in the day to day living of someone, talk every day, share every aspect of your life etc. how do you go on? Because of the divorce we were dumped right into legal and financial stuff and then lawyers to try and get grandparent rights - the only kind you can legally obtain. At least my Mom gets to see one girl a week now and we often go so we can see them as well. They moved back into my sisters as the divorce wasn't finalized upon her death so we can "see" the house but aren't allowed to visit. Because of all this other nonsense there's been no time to grieve - the wound is kept open all the time. We feel guilty when we accidentally get to spend a few minutes with them if we are at the same place at the same time, like we did something wrong by being there and talking to them. I miss my sister. I took a bath the other night and spent the whole time crying because she loved her baths so much. I'll stick to showers from now on. I have 7 children ages 2-16 and manage the daily stuff but it's just going through the motions. I'm constantly asking myself ,"Did I sound okay there? Am I smiling enough? Do they suspect how I'm really feeling?" Because we live on an island it's hard to find someone objective to talk to who isn't somehow connected to somebody who might know me/us/the situation and not blab. Due to being foster parents I know most the therapist who my doctor would suggest I talk to as well as most the pastors on the island. I tried talking to my husband but he's one of those "Mr.Fixit's" and wants me tell him exactly what's wrong, what I'm feeling, etc. so he can try and fix it for me. I know these things take time. But it's just getting worse over time. Maybe it's because I've never had a chance to really grieve - too many to take care of and support from my mom to my 5 younger siblings to extended family members who always look at me as the "strong one" or the "calm one" and no time for myself - but isn't it supposed to get better? Why are all these little memories popping up now? Everywhere I go there's a memory. We only have one road and I must have waved to my sister in passing 1000's of times. I can't do that anymore. She was only 38. I will be 38 next year. She had uterine cancer which they never detected. She had an ongoing lung disease and spent much time in the hospital, underwent multiple suergies, blood tests, other testing, etc and they NEVER detected this. I'm furious about that. I'm mad at the number of insensitive medical staff she dealt with here and on the mainland. The week before she died when she was medivaced to the mainland hospital and had trouble getting seen, one of the male attendants actually had the nerve to suggest she stay at a hotel for the night because it wasn't like she was dying or anything. She died a week later. That is unforgivable. I don't expect a response but I'm lost. I'm angry. I feel like I'm spiraling down into a deep, dark pit and there's nothing to grab onto. Truthfully, I'm actually getting a little scared here. I know this is a long drawn out dumping of emotions but I don't know where else to do it.

[ModKonnie]

Butteryflyangel,

I am so very sorry about your losses. You are under tremendous stress with the family situation, so it seems possible that you simply did not have time to just grieve. Perhaps everything is starting to come out because you are at a point where it can't be held back anymore.

Do you feel as though some type of group or grief counseling could help? I know you said you have to be careful who you talk to because of the smallness of the community, but would a counselor be out of the question?

what about a journal? Getting your feelings out will help you sort and process through them. Do you ever have time to just take a walk by yourself? Or get some "me" time? I know that's probably pretty hard with seven children, but it is important that you have your own few minutes to cry if you want to or do just sit and do nothing.

Have you tried to possibly bring a peace gift and talk to the new girlfriend or at least attempt to start a more peacful relationship? Have you tried to talk to the father in a peaceful, non-threatening way? Perhaps inquiring about how he is doing and then casually suggest you miss the kids and would be willing to have them over for visits?

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

[walton1]

Thank you for replying. Seems a lot of folks would rather read about the 'drama' of other's lives but no one wants to really get invovled and try and help or just be there. You get a lot of fidgeting, eyes looking elsewhere, before the inevetible backing away while pointing at the watch etc. Makes it hard to want to talk to anyone.

Yes, I have thought about counseling but we don't have insurance and they cost a fortune. We know all the pastor's so that's not an option, either. I do have a journal. I've written in it a bit. The part that scares me is the power of the emotions and how out of control I feel. My kids notice any change in me and it effects them greatly. We are foster parents, too, and have been for quite awhile. Our three youngest are ones we adopted last year but have had for several years. They don't want ANY 'psychological issues' on the adoption paperwork and don't want to see that either parent is on antidepressants either. So, that's been very limiting. It's also added to a lot of the stress because dealing with child services and all that entails while trying not to lose our girls (took 2 years to adopt) means hiding a lot and acting according to their requirements so they'd approve us. It was worth it to keep our three beauties but, was hard in the fact we couldn't let anyone see any undue stress, pain, emotional duress after my sister and Grandma died. We've dealt with most the couselors etc. through foster care which is why I turned to the internet. It's 100% confidential.

One thing that scares me more than anything, and I don't know if this is normal or not, is that I've been fantasizing more and more about death. Is this right? I'd never, EVER do anything.....but the images are coming more regular. Sometimes it's just something simple - stepping out of the boat, walking into the ocean, 'flying' off the cliff. This is scary! I know it's wrong, I love my children and my family too much to do it, but I can't seem to stop myself from visualizing these things. I've even visualized my funeral - how would people react to MY loss? How long before my husband looked for someone new? What would they say about me, etc. Is this normal? It can't be. I know it can't. No loving mother with any sense of decency would even think thoughts like this while all her treasures are running around her. I feel nothing when I think these thoughts. No sadness, no empathy, no fear. Sigh............

I miss my sister. Even with all these beautiful children, she was my grown-up 'out'. We had coffee nearly every day together, talked everyday, chatted online most nights, planned our lives, discussed our hopes, dreams, talked about kids and husbands.....she was my 'me time' and I was hers. How do you have me time by yourself? It's too lonely. Every where on this rock there are a hundred memories of her. we can't go anywhere without saying,"remember when?" Been here for 33 years and there's no safe zone. I need my best friend back.