Can't believe I have to do this again...

[CS1985]

I'm not sure where to start. I guess I'm just reaching out for any help I can find. In Nov 2009 I lost my father very suddenly and unexpectedly. He was really a rock in my life. I happened to be pregnant with his first grandchild at the time of his death. It still kills me inside that he never got to meet my daughter. I know he would have adored her and absolutely spoiled her rotten and I am so sad that she is missing that in her life now. In Feb I found out I was pregnant despite having an IUD. I immediately was afraid someone else would die. I knew in my head that my fears were irrational, but I just couldn't shake the dread. Then my grandmother got suddenly ill and had to have an emergency heart procedure...I was absolutely terrified. Thankfully everything turned out fine, and after that I told myself I was being silly worrying so much about something bad happening. Just because I had a tragedy during my first pregnancy didn't mean another would happen with this one. Fast forward to July 4th and I get the worst phone call of my life...my mom was dead, cause unknown. I literally crawled into a ball on my couch and sobbed hysterically. I just couldn't cope. Here I was reliving my absolute worst fear. How could this really be happening to me again?! What have I ever done so wrong that for me 1 new baby=1 dead parent? I just can't wrap my head around it. I feel so lost and overwhelmed. I am only 26 years old, and in less than 3 years have lost both my parents. Add to that the fact that my grandmother, who I love very very dearly, is in really poor health. I just can't even think of losing her too. At this point I am terrified of ever becoming pregnant again. I wanted so much to have at least 3 children, and I feel like now I have to give that up because I just can't risk losing someone else. And the thought that the baby I'm carrying now is my last is just heartbreaking. I just really need some help coping. I feel like I'm slipping and I'm about to have an emotional breakdown. I do want to say that I am not religious. I know a lot of people will say trust in God and have faith yadda yadda, but that just doesn't work for me. I don't want to delve into my beliefs, but I'll suffice to say that no religious based methods of coping are going to help me. I have already started counseling and had my first appointment today, but I feel like I need a bit more help than 45 minutes once a week. If anyone has anything, any advice, words of comfort, ANYTHING, please help me. I feel like I'm drowning

[cant move on]

cs I'm so sorry for your losses it's rough when you lose both parents so close together and must be so much worse when you're so young. I won't say that I can relate because I can't. But I can say with the upmost certainty it has nothing to do with your pregnancys. Congratulations by the way. I've lost both my parents but as I'm a guy it's doubtful it had anything to do with me being pregnant. (ADMIT IT THAT MADE YOU SMILE) I can understand though that this is automatically what came to mind as it is somewhat coincidental. But coincidental is all it is. But don't let anyone tell you you're being silly as I for one fully believe that this is very real to you so I'm happy to see that you're seeking help. Left unchecked something like could really drive you nuts. Let us know how it goes.

[beth9206]

First of all,I am so sorry for the losses you've had to endure. I lost my Dad last August and to this day I still feel guilty that I wasn't able to go visit him the day before he passed due to a really bad migraine. But I totally agree with the person who said that your parents passing during each of your pregnancies is coincidental.

If you ever want to talk you can pm me.