Open Letter to Strangers

[RazorSharpRedhead]

So upon giving it some thought....I've decided to share with you the Top Three Stupidest Things that people have said to me over the past few months since my mom has passed away:

3. "This isn't so bad. You lost your mom. We're ~supposed~ to lose our parents. ~I~ lost my sister and my best friend." - said by my Aunt when we were picking out my moms clothes for the funeral.

2. "At least you weren't used to seeing her every day." - said by someone who was trying to prove that my pain was't as great as her own.

1. "She's in a better place" - said by ...well...a LOT of people. I'm not sad because of where she is - I'm sad because of where she ~isn't~.

I'm 35....I lost my mom far too early in life. It's been 3 months since my moms passing. She had kidney cancer and was sick for a year. After failed surgeries and treatments, they told her she had 9 months to a year and she passed away 3 months after that prediction. We didn't have the time we thought we thought we would. She knew she was 'Going Home' (this is what she demanded we call it) on Easter morning. She called us each in and spoke to us the things she felt she really needed to say. She slipped into a coma-like-state Easter evening and passed 4 days after that. On day 3, I just knew in my heart that she was ready to let go. She was hurting, uncomfortable and tired of it all. So after everyone else left, I took her hand and I told her that it was OK. I promised her that I would look after my brother and my dad and I would do my best to take on the very best parts of who she was to so many people. This next part of my story is what haunts me to my core. While I was talking to my mom, she was unable to speak or open her eyes. But she was able to lift her arms and make sounds. While I was telilng her it was OK to slip away, she was lifting her arms to me and moaning. She was trying to say something. Of course the easy answer is 'She was thanking me', 'She was telling me it was OK'....but there's also the logical, realistic side of me that wonders 'What if she was telling me she wasn't ready to go?' This was the last interaction I had with my mom. She passed away just hours after I said those things to her. Just the pain of NOT KNOWING what she was trying to say to me will haunt me for the rest of my life. We can all sit here and guess - but I'll never know. How do you deal with that?

Within 2 weeks of my moms passing we had to 'Celebrate' my daughters birthday, my birthday, my anniversary and Mothers Day.

How do you deal with the anger you feel when people who are trying to comfort just screw it all up and make it worse? How do you ask for help when you don't know what you need? What do you do when all of your friends stop asking how you are.....because it's THEN that you really need them to ask?

[BreathofAngel]

So upon giving it some thought....I've decided to share with you the Top Three Stupidest Things that people have said to me over the past few months since my mom has passed away:

3. "This isn't so bad. You lost your mom. We're ~supposed~ to lose our parents. ~I~ lost my sister and my best friend." - said by my Aunt when we were picking out my moms clothes for the funeral.

2. "At least you weren't used to seeing her every day." - said by someone who was trying to prove that my pain was't as great as her own.

1. "She's in a better place" - said by ...well...a LOT of people. I'm not sad because of where she is - I'm sad because of where she ~isn't~.

Dearest (((((((RSR))))))),

Yes, indeed some people can say things that are not at all helpful or are they appropriate to the situation one is undergoing. People can be very insensitive to the concerns of the one who is grieving and in their effort to try to help they end up making it worse for the person in mourning. This is deemed unfortunate and I am so sorry you had to undergo such insensitive episodes in this manner.

I'm 35....I lost my mom far too early in life. It's been 3 months since my moms passing. She had kidney cancer and was sick for a year. After failed surgeries and treatments, they told her she had 9 months to a year and she passed away 3 months after that prediction. We didn't have the time we thought we thought we would. She knew she was 'Going Home' (this is what she demanded we call it) on Easter morning. She called us each in and spoke to us the things she felt she really needed to say. She slipped into a coma-like-state Easter evening and passed 4 days after that. On day 3, I just knew in my heart that she was ready to let go. She was hurting, uncomfortable and tired of it all. So after everyone else left, I took her hand and I told her that it was OK. I promised her that I would look after my brother and my dad and I would do my best to take on the very best parts of who she was to so many people. This next part of my story is what haunts me to my core. While I was talking to my mom, she was unable to speak or open her eyes. But she was able to lift her arms and make sounds. While I was telilng her it was OK to slip away, she was lifting her arms to me and moaning. She was trying to say something. Of course the easy answer is 'She was thanking me', 'She was telling me it was OK'....but there's also the logical, realistic side of me that wonders 'What if she was telling me she wasn't ready to go?' This was the last interaction I had with my mom. She passed away just hours after I said those things to her. Just the pain of NOT KNOWING what she was trying to say to me will haunt me for the rest of my life. We can all sit here and guess - but I'll never know. How do you deal with that?

Yes, dearheart, losing your Mother at such a young age is completely devastating. Words alone cannot express what one feels over such a loss simply because you have only one Mother and she is the one who brings you into the world after carrying you right under her heart for nine months. That closeness, love, and connectedness cannot ever be replaced by anyone else.

Yet even in your pain and experience of the situation you were there with her in her final moments. That is something she will obviously always remember in spirit. But even if you had not been able to be there at that most special time, they somehow always know the "why" one could not be there and it is o.k.

You ask how does one deal with her not being able to relay to you what she was trying to say. It has been said that each and every person inherently knows pretty much when it is their time to leave this life. They are just able to feel or sense it sometimes for a few weeks before it happens. And while life here may have been pleasant, they also know that they wish to return to their true home with God sensing that it is truly their time to go. One may not fully understand that until it is their own personal time to go and then they will realize and know about the special communication that takes place in spirit at that most special time. There can be absolutely no doubt that her Love for you was at the forefront of her mind during those final moments. After all, how could it not be, having such a wonderful, special daughter such as you who was there with her extending your heart and your love to her throughout all that transpired during her illness and before.

Within 2 weeks of my moms passing we had to 'Celebrate' my daughters birthday, my birthday, my anniversary and Mothers Day.

How do you deal with the anger you feel when people who are trying to comfort just screw it all up and make it worse? How do you ask for help when you don't know what you need? What do you do when all of your friends stop asking how you are.....because it's THEN that you really need them to ask?

Indeed all of these questions do inevitably come up for someone who is still grieving the loss of a very special and dear member of the family. But please know that most people are well-intentioned, they may just not know how to choose the right words that will resonate with what you need to hear at the time. Let your heart be at peace with the situation now. And know that you are loved by God because He knows, above anyone else, just what you are feeling, thinking, and experiencing with your loss. He is there with you to extend His loving arms and cradle you and hold you close in spirit. Therefore, you are not alone. And I will also offer my prayers for you and your dearest beloved Mother.

Remember that Love Is Forever! It never ceases to be. Replace any anger you may feel with the love that is so in your heart and that is so much more a part of you than the anger.

May God Bless You always, my dearest.