Members mckathy6683 Posted July 15, 2012 Members Report Share Posted July 15, 2012 i've never done this before so bear with me!! my name is kathy and i'm 29 year old. my mother passed away when i was 5 years old from colon cancer. i don't remember her or her death and honestly i never really knew alot about what went on when she passed. my father(who is remarried and lives in another state) was visiting the last couple of days and last night proceeded to tell me that she didn't just "pass away" from cancer she killed herself. she had been in alot of pain and had actually asked him to do it at one point, which of course he wouldn't. he came home from work and found her. i don't know how to describe how hearing this made me feel. i just wanted to scream. my heart breaks for her and my father who i don't think will ever get over it. he is an alcoholic and has been since her death. i know this doesn't change the fact that my mother passed but i feel that the rug has been pulled out from under me. i feel sad, angry, and i wish more than anything i could talk to her just for a minute. i guess i feel kind of ridiculous for being upset considering she's been gone for so long.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nicole610 Posted July 16, 2012 Members Report Share Posted July 16, 2012 Hi Kathy,While I have no clear advice or words of wisdom as my situation is a bit different (my father died a month ago and we had a very strained relationship, sometimes with years between seeing one another), but I can relate to that sense of having so few memories to find comfort within. Another similarity is that the cause of my father's death is uncertain and could have been some sort of suicide or "foul play"... we continue to await autopsy results. And I relate completely to the pain of watching a family member struggle so intensely with the pain of this kind of loss. I have told my sister that I'd give my whole heart to just see hers not be so broken right now... its almost as difficult as losing my father, watching her in pain. What I can say is that none of us can every truly "walk a mile" in anyone else's shoes. We can find common ground, we can pray and offer support through these computer screens and we can all know beyond doubt that we ARE all certainly looking for comfort. I think you are completely entitled to the feelings of shock and anger and sadness right now... somehow the cause of death impacts us dramatically. Sure, to be blunt, we all know that death is death no matter how it happens, but some deaths are peaceful - even somehow spiritually magical (I watched this when I worked for an assisted living facility and when I sat with some patients who were dying, the peace and incredible heightening of the senses was amazing) but other causes of death just feel more confusing. I think in your situation, you may have to begin a certain grieving process again to accept this new information you've been handed. I'm only a month into this whole process, but what I am finding is that I cannot put expectations upon myself... some days are down right beautiful and I feel so blessed and have a new "live every moment" attitude, then the next day can bring depression and more anger. It isn't a steady progression of "better and better until its ALL better", its a steady journey of ups and downs and learning and hopefully results in acceptance, even if I can never understand it all. Know that I have already paused, closed my eyes and prayed out loud for you to feel hope and strength. If you aren't of any particular religion, etc, then please accept my prayer as simply me sending you warmth and light from one young woman to another in the midst of what feels like some dark times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BreathofAngel Posted July 16, 2012 Members Report Share Posted July 16, 2012 i've never done this before so bear with me!! my name is kathy and i'm 29 year old. my mother passed away when i was 5 years old from colon cancer. i don't remember her or her death and honestly i never really knew alot about what went on when she passed. my father(who is remarried and lives in another state) was visiting the last couple of days and last night proceeded to tell me that she didn't just "pass away" from cancer she killed herself. she had been in alot of pain and had actually asked him to do it at one point, which of course he wouldn't. he came home from work and found her. i don't know how to describe how hearing this made me feel. i just wanted to scream. my heart breaks for her and my father who i don't think will ever get over it. he is an alcoholic and has been since her death. i know this doesn't change the fact that my mother passed but i feel that the rug has been pulled out from under me. i feel sad, angry, and i wish more than anything i could talk to her just for a minute. i guess i feel kind of ridiculous for being upset considering she's been gone for so long.... My dear (((((((Kathy))))))), Thank you, first of all, for reaching out to others in this forum with your concerns about your Mom. It is truly difficult finding things out the way you have through your Dad about your Mom but as you say, it has been very hard on him as well. Life can be difficult without a person having special problems to have to cope with but when they do it can be devastating for them, no doubt, as well as for those who love and care for them.Your emotions are right in line with what others feel and have felt under the circumstances, imho. But because everyone has their own point of transition back into spirit, life for you continues at your young age. Thank God that your Dad is still with you and places his trust in you enough to contact you and tell you things that he obviously feels you should know about which would hopefully help you to understand better. And no, you should not feel "ridiculous" at this point in time since your Mother is still your Mother and will always be and you have a very special place in your heart for her as should be. And as I have told many others, Love Never Dies! It continues in the heart of those who continue to love their loved ones and that love is likewise reciprocal. Therefore, you must pause and take care of yourself after learning these news and take a moment to feel unity with God who continues to take care of you. You are loved and will always be by those who hold a very special place in their heart for you. Embrace that love and know that one day we all will meet up with those who have passed before us and it will be a great day of rejoicing at our appointed time! You mention that you wish you could talk to her (even though she is obviously gone in physical body). If you plan to return to this forum to read the responses given and wish to learn more about this matter of how you might approach what you have identified, I would be glad to let you know of ways that many others have used and who continue to in helping themselves in this endeavor.In the meantime, please know that I will be most happy to offer prayers for you and your Mom. These are special times and asking God to be with us, especially when we lack some understanding of circumstances brought forth to us, is the time to allow for that greater understanding.May God bless you, dear, and may your heart always be surrounded by the Peace and Love of God! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators widower2 Posted July 17, 2012 Moderators Report Share Posted July 17, 2012 Moving right along.....kathy, I'm so sorry for your loss and this news. You should certainly not feel ridiculous! I can't even imagine what a blow it must be. But I would ask you to keep in mind that if I understand you correctly, keep in mind why your mother did what she did - she was in extreme pain and for who knows how long. A person can only take so much. It sounds to me more like euthanasia than anything else. Try to keep a open and balanced opinion about what she did, why she did it, and I know it's easier said than done but try not to judge her too harshly - and certainly your poor father who seems to be blaming himself for something that obviously was NOT his fault (the cancer, her pain etc). Maybe if you talked to him more about it you both can come to a more peaceful understanding about it all. I wish you both the best in the difficult days ahead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cant move on Posted July 17, 2012 Members Report Share Posted July 17, 2012 Hi Kathy. You must feel like you lost your mum twice. I think you're probably starting the grieving process over again now that you know the truth, which is certainly not ridiculous, and is fully understandable. I do however believe your dad did the right thing by telling you once he knew you could handle it. Everybody deserves the truth regardless of how much it hurts. But at the right time. As for your dad all I can say is that I'm thinking of him, and there's lots of help available for him when he's ready for it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mckathy6683 Posted July 19, 2012 Author Members Report Share Posted July 19, 2012 thanks for the kind words everyone. i'm feeling a little better since ive had a couple days to let this all sink in. i know that in time this will get easier like everything else. my mother's cancer was found right after me and my twin sister were born. she took her own life when we were 5. i have no anger towards her, i just wish so badly that i could talk to her, i wish i could've been some kind of comfort to her. i'm sure so many feel the same way and i know that i am not alone in that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.