Lost my dad november 2011

[elnika]

I lost my dad in november after several years battle with cancer. i had a baby in august 2001 and when she was 2 months old he took a serious turn for the worse and i ended up spending most of my time up the hospital with him as he was quite frantic and disorientated and would only let me do things for him.

i was there morning and night and then he appeaered to perk up so they stopped us staying over night with him. On the night before he passed away i took the baby to hospital with me and sat with him all day i thought he was going to go while i was there as his breathing was funny and horrificly sounding i was very scared and didnt want to be there and watch him like that.

i went home at 5pm as i ran out of things for the baby, i had a feeling he wouldnt last the night but knew the hospital would call me if he got worse.

At 6am i got a call from my aunt to say dad had passed away. apparently he was chatting with the nurse all night he said im just going to have a little sleep and when the nurse went back an hour late rhe had gone.

i feel so angry that we werent called and i feel so guilty i wasnt there n that he had to die on his own. im angry with my family as he was not looked after as well as he should have been and i feel guilty because i do not seem to be able to grieve for him, im taking it out on everyone and my relationship is suffering, my husband says its like ive shut down. and that the only person i show love and affection to is the baby.

i am already on anti depressants from things that happened years ago and he thinks i should go back to the doctors, i have kept everything to gether and been strong for everyone else now i am struggling to deal with it myself and thought i would have had my BREAK by now and had my upset let out.

i dont know what to do and no one seems to be really that bothered or want to listen to me and when they do im having things turned back on me and being moaned at because im struggling.

sorry to waffle on but i really dont know where i am with this anymore