DEAD INSIDE

[sorrow2012]

Im new to this, and apologise if i havent gone about things the correct way. I just need to get some things off my chest,whether or not anyone bothers to respond. Heres my story.... big brother was like a dad to me, a mentor and best friend. His wife died nearly two years ago, leaving two frightened children. He started to feel unwell dec 2011 and in jan 12, was diagnosed with bilary cancer. Doctors expected him to last 6 weeks or so at the most. He chose not to undergo chemo as there was no chance of a "cure", and fought on 6 months. its been just over a week and i dont know how im going to carry on. Apart from the practical side of things, i just cant manage to get up. i hate waking up, as the flash backs keep coming back. I cant face going back to work, and im so scared of stepping outside my house....i dont know why. I nursed my brother for six months, by taking time off work and when i did go to work, i would come straight back to my brothers and stay until the early hours of the morning. Im exhaused, drained and feel there is no purpose to life anymore. Im so angry with everything and everyone..angry with myself for not making him go to the hospital sooner, angry with God for taking him, angry with the doctors for giving us this devastating news. Just plain old angry. i cant ever see myself being happy again, or laughing.. im not living anymore,,im barely existing. I want to be on my own all the time, i want to scream so loud, but dont have the energy. im angry when i hear people laughing and talking outside from my window...how can others be happy, when my brother has left this world. i cant think straight anymore and im worried for my mother, who never expected to bury her child. how does one overcome this. I feel worse now than when i lost my father. Had a wonderful relationship with my dad, but he worked hard for us, for which im grateful, but that meant my brother became my father also. this is all too much

I would be so grateful to have someone to "speak" with, someone who is experiencing the same as I.

[ModKonnie]

Sorrow2012,

I am so very sorry to hear about your losses. Your brother sounds like a wonderful person. Loss is always so difficult, and yes, you may be just numb, and every other emotion you can think of. You may experience all kinds of emotions, like a rollercoaster and they may cycle back and forth.

One thing that helps is to talk. It is good you came here to talk to us. We will listen as you sort through your emotions and begin to make sense of things now. Do you have any kind of support system at home? Other family, friends, coworkers who may want to listen?

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

[cankeel]

I feel the same as you are when my cousin died at the age of 18 because of lung cancer. I wanted to share with you a new application that I'm using to create a memory book for my cousin who recently passed away. It's called Evertalk and it's a Facebook application. I found it to be very easy to use and highly recommend it. https://www.everta.lk

[Kaytee]

Hi Sorrow, my name is Katie, i am so sorry for your loss. I lost my little brother 3 weeks ago. My brother spent the last month of his life in the hospital where myself and parents and little sister were all by his side taking care of him as he slowly slipped away from us. I know what you are going through losing a brother, its devestating. I too get angry a lot, i can totally relate to you when you say how can other people laugh and giggle and be so happy when i am so miserable and unhappy. It just isn't fair. Making yourself go through the Why's and What If's isnt fair either. My father was best friends with my brother, he lost his best friend and son, and my mom, she was so close with him too, we all were. The only thing that has been helping us all get through this is each other. My parents are divorced and i live at home with my own family, but have been trying to go to my moms house often where my dad and sister come over too. Just talking about him and sharing stories and memories helps so much. I think in the future we will look into grief consulting, maybe some kind of group counsling, but i dont think any of us are quite yet ready to talk to people in person in group form just yet so coming on here just to type down what is on my mind has helped some what. My brother was only 19, he died of degenerative brain disease/ mitochondrial disease (basically the doctors had no diagnosis and still have no idea what was really going on, there was no cure. It sounds like your brother was very strong to fight for 6 months when being told he had 6 weeks, that is really amazing you got to spend more than 6 weeks with him. His poor children, i couldnt imagine losing both of my parents being so young. Hopefully you will see things that remind you of your brtoher through his children.I dont really know where i am going with this all, but feel free to send me a message anytime. Again, so sorry for your loss.