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Loss of teenage brother


habsgirl89

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A little over a month ago, I lost my 17 year old brother in a tragic accident that took the lives of 7 other people. They were coming home from a basketball game and the school van collided with a transport. It feels so surreal, and people keep telling me to be strong for my parents, but I can't always be strong. He was my strength and my best friend, and now that he isn't here, I'm not really sure how to be. He was a year younger than me, but we were always so close and had the same friends. People keep telling me he is in some place where he can't feel any pain and sometimes I feel like I can feel him, but I don't want to simply feel him in my heart, I want him here with me. I don't want him anywhere else but with me. I wanted to grow up with him. I wanted us to experience so many things together. I will never be able to know what kind of man my brother was going to be. I'm so angry and I have no idea why. I hate the fact that he doesn't get to be the uncle of my children someday, that he won't be at my wedding, that he won't see me growing up. I don't know how to deal with all of this and I wish everything would just go back to normal and that he was here with me. See, the thing is...the one person who could give me some great advice on all of this would be him. I'm not looking for answers, I'm just looking for someone who's gone through something similar so that I can talk with them. Not necessarily a situation exactly like this, but simply the loss of a sibling.

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Hello Habsgirl,

I am so sorry for your loss.  I'm guessing that you are from Canada, as I remember seeing this tragedy on the national news.  I was horrified when I saw the crash and felt absolutely terrible for the families who were left behind. I too, am Canadian and lost my big brother on October 16th.  He had a heart attack and his wife revived him, but it wasn't enough and he died a few days later after being in a coma.

Although we are separated in age, I know what it's like to lose a brother.  My brother, although much older than yours, was only 45 years old.  I was angry that it was too soon for him to go, I was depressed because I wouldn't see him again and I was in denial that anything happened.  I still won't go to the cemetary because that will make it too real for me.

It was difficult for me when I found out that a memorial was being planned in his name.  The memorial is going to be a gazebo that will be built in the yard of a children's group home where he worked.  As thoughtful as this is, I was really upset about it.  It took me a while to figure out that if they built a memorial, then it would mean that it was true, my brother was really gone.

As much as people tell you to be strong for your parents, you really need to take care of yourself.  At this time in your life, you need to focus on what you need to cope.  You need to make sure that you take care of yourself and find someone who you can trust who you can talk to .  Your parents understand that you are grieving too - and that you are hurting just as badly as they are.

The hardest part of the past 4 months for me has been the roller coaster ride that I feel I've been on.  I catch myself laughing sometimes, and then I feel guilty.  I cry when I feel like it  and don't care who catches me doing it.  The best thing I've done is I bought a treadmill and when my bottled up feelings boil up, I jump on the treadmill until I feel better.

Anyway, Habsgirl, (are you a big Montreal fan?  I guess I'm no better, I am a huge Leaf fan ) please keep coming back here. This has been the place I come to when I need to talk and share and when I don't want to burden my family with my emotions.

This site has been a lifesaver and sanity saver for me.  Please feel free to contact me at any time, even if it's just to shout!  You can email me my clicking my name on the side.  You're not alone in this - I've received so much support from the other folks on this site who have gone through this. 

Take care of yourself, I'm sending lots of hugs your way.  Sincerely,

Linda

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Habsgirl89,

I too lost my little brother. He was 19. And i too hate that he won't be the uncle to my kids. I don't want to explain to them who he was..i want them to know him. I always thought that i would have him. I knew friends would come and go..even my parents one day but i always was happy to know i would have him. I always tried to take care of him and watch out for him. Now i feel like i don't have anyone to watch out for. I still feel him and i even get signs. I know he is in a better place and what happend had to happen. That all helps but like you said i want him HERE! I know how it is trying to take care of your parents. But who is there to take care of us? I'm just tired of being alone.

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jbutterfly,

Thanks so much for your post. It helps to hear from someone who is experiencing the same things as I am. I am deeply sorry for your loss. I am also really tired of being alone, because my parents have each other to confide in...but I don't really have anyone. I know my parents are there for me too, but I don't want to hurt them more than they already are. My friends really try and be there for me, but I feel bad constantly putting them in that type of situation, because they just don't really get it. It's just so frustrating to have to keep it all inside, and not have him here.  I hope things are goin alright with you, and if you ever want to talk, please feel free!

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I am so sorry for those of you who have lost a dear sibling.  It is not something you expect.  You plan on them being there throughout your life span.  No one knows you like a sibling...not even your parents.  :)  Let yourselves grieve.  Remember the good and the bad times.  Allow yourselves to feel sad/shocked/angry/hurt.  Each big event in your life will bring memories and pain because they are not here to share it with you.  Please don't try to be strong for others. 

I am a parent who lost a son.  (I've also lost a sister and my dear mother.)  I just wanted to comment a little bit from the parent perspective.   Some of you have mentioned that you have to be strong for your parents.  For me,  I want my children to come to me and talk and cry and let me know they miss our dear Heavenly family member, Joshua.  Your parents are hurting and grieving the loss whether you talk about it or not.  For you to share in their grief even though it might bring tears is more healing then hurtful.  It is healing for you to grieve as a family.  I can't speak for each person, but talking about your lost sibling with your parents doesn't hurt them more then they are already hurt.  It might bring it to the surface...but that isn't always a bad thing.  Don't try to be strong for them.  Let yourself grieve.  It hurts to lose someone you love.  Sometimes parents wonder why their living children have "adapted" so quickly while they are left behind to grieve alone.  It seems no one cares and hurts as much as they do.  If you are hurting...share it with your parents.  Let them know how much you miss and hurt without your dear sibling.  Don't run away from their tears but hug them and cry with them.  It is not your "duty" to carry this burdon of grief on your own.  And sometimes the sharing of the grief can be a bond with your parent rather then a burdon. 

Hugs,

Sal

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Hi Wyomingsal,

Thank you for your perspective. Sometimes, it really helps to hear and know that my hurt doesn't hurt a parent more. I hurt so much for my loss, but also for seeing how hurt my parents are..so I guess it's kind of a one way street in the sense that parents probably hurt just as much when they see us hurt. Thanks for the great advice, and I will try to be more open with my parents so they don't think that I've moved on and they haven't.

I would also like to tell you how truly sorry I am for your losses, and I hope you are doing alright. Once again, thank you!

Em

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restinpeacedanny

Im sorry about your loss. I know how hard it can be. I lost my brother who was 22 in a car accident 2 years ago. I always looked up to him and when he was taken away i had know where to go. My family has been a mess ever since. How does yours cope? It seems like it has been enough time that i would be feeling better but i miss him more each day. His girl Friend of 6 1/2 years is getting married next month to a guy with the same name, and his birthday is 2 hours before my brothers. Its heartbreaking to me. Any Advice? I would like to hear more about your experiences too. ~maddie

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countrysinger

I'm so sorry for anyone here who has lost brothers/sisters.My loss is fairly new  my older sister died suddenly ..3 months.ago..it hurts real bad..I can hardly look at my brother-in-law without crying.Their wedding anniversary would be today.Does the pain ever go away???Nothing seems fun anymore.

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Hey i just lost my sister in a car accident too its been so hard.. its only been 13 days.. and its not getting any easier i am going threw the same thing just like feeling that me and my sister never got to do things i wish we could do you know?.. there is so much more that i wish i could of told her stuff i needed to tell her.. we were also very close in age.. she was 17 and im 16.. she was like my strength too.. its still so unreal.. I feel like a piece of me is missing.. once i heard that she was dead.. i like.. broke to pieces.. i seriously felt like my heart.. broke.. everytime i talk about this i get all choked up and cant breathe..but if you want to message me... back and talk about things that would be awesome!

Its really hard and as much as this doesnt help. Im sorry

Autumn Rae

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Autumn, I am so sorry for what you are going through. Losing your sister, best friend, confidant--It's one of the hardest things you will endure in this lifetime, I am sure. Two weeks is a very short time. Experiencing physical pain, shortness of breath, palpitations and the like are all very common symptoms of early loss and grief. They will fade in time, but the grief journey will be a road you travel for quite some time. It will morph into different stages, and sometimes you may feel like you are really losing it. Having someone to talk to openly may be a big help and may be necessary for you. Please talk to your parents about seeing a counselor who specializes in catastrophic loss and grief if you need that, because it can be a good outlet for you when the time comes that people around you move on and you just can't yet. That may or may not happen, but if you do feel like that, locking your feelings inside can be even worse in the long haul.

This particular thread doesn't seem to have a lot of activity. Don't be discouraged if you don't get huge responses, and keep trying to connect with people. There is a general sibling loss thread where some older women hang out regularly, and they can bring a lot of comfort and good advice--if you want to pop in there and introduce yourself. There are a lot of sibling grief resources on the web too--through BI, Compassionate Friends and other groups. Do a Google search on sibling grief for a variety of web sites, books, support groups, chats and so on. The more resources you can get your hands on right now to learn about your grief and the feelings and emotions you will experience in the first weeks, months, years, etc, will be very helpful to you.

I know no one will replace your sister. And I am so terribly sad for you because of that. But you do not have to feel alone in your sadness and loss. You may find along your journey other young ladies your age that have similar stories and perhaps connect with someone on a deeper friendship and kinship level in time. Check in your high school counselor's office to see if they can recommend any resources as well, and if you have problems coping in school, do not hide that. Reach out to anyone that will offer compassion, and ear, help in any way you need it, whether it be school, home, church, your neighbor, someone you know from childhood and growing up--whoever you feel comfortable talking with in an open way.

Sending big hugs and prayers your way that you may find a special connection for comfort through this terrible time of pain and loss. Love, Claudia

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Hello! everyone Welcome new ones sorry for your loss . You will find nice people here that will help you through each day.  If you want to talk please feel free to email me and I'll chat with you.

Jackie, hi. I did get your emails through Diane I pray that your ok and your family is doing ok. If you need anything let me know and I'll help.

I talked to Claudia this morning on Yahoo. It was good to hear from her. If any one wants to Im me Im on yahoo.

Diane, How are you doing? I'm doing good. The boys and I leave for NY thursday morning for 4 days and I cant wait. I see my brother Martin please pray for him and his wife they are having trouble . but it will be good to see him and talk to him in person. WEll I'll talk with you all later. and yes I went to Harv's  page its nice.my brother has a page and its nice to just go back and look at just to see his smiling face.

Have a good day ladies , Love ya Barb

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habsgirl 89,

i am so sorry for your loss. Losing a sibling, especially a younger one, is not easy. A sibling is someone who is always there for you and knows you like no one else. It is so important to always remember your brother, but still move on with your life. A brother wants their sibling to keep doing all the things they would have done as if they were still there with them. Its understandable to grieve, but know that you will get through it and it will be okay. Just be strong and know that he will always be in your heart no matter what and keep his memory alive. When you think about him, don't think about him being dead, think about him when he was alive and what a wonderful person he was. He would have wanted you to keep on with your life and put a smile on your face so he knows your happy even though he isn't there. Again, I am so sorry for your loss.

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