Members gmarbatt Posted July 3, 2012 Members Report Share Posted July 3, 2012 I'm not quite sure where to begin. I feel like I'm stuck in limbo. My father passed on May 6 this year-my parent's 40th anniversary. I've never imagined a world where one of my parents didn't exist. Although I am 38 years old, I still feel like their little girl. My parents and I have always had a strong bond, and now I feel like I've lost part of my identity. My father was a wonderful Dad, husband, and friend. I aspire to be like him every day. I have nightmares about my Dad breathing in his coffin and I'm running around screaming at everyone to let him out. I'm an RN and although I've held many a person's hand as they have passed, I was never prepared to have to do this with my own father. It was so sudden and unexpected that sometimes I still cannot believe that it has happened. It also pains me just as much to see my mom's heart broken. We are also very close not just as mother/daughter but friends as well. I worry about her, call her every day to check on her and see if she needs anything. They were always a matched pair and had so many plans of adventure to do together in their recent retirement. Trying to stay busy helps because it keeps me from thinking about what has happened and I know my father wouldn't want me to be a big crying mess. What is just as shocking is that even though my father has died, I'm still living, breathing, working, going on with life. I feel too guilty to enjoy anything when he isn't able to anymore. I guess some of the anger phase comes in when I take care of a patient much older than my father was and they are acting like a total jerk. I think, how could God take this beautiful man who had so much more to do and give the world and yet this mean person is still here? I don't let it affect my ability to provide excellent care, but I can't stop the thought. I think my nursing career prepared me to be there for my father in that moment. I have also had physical reactions to grief. I am losing weight, partly because I can't seem to get rid of the giant lump I feel I have in the back of my throat when I try to swallow. Nothing tastes right and I frequently get nauseated. I mostly put on a pleasant face so that my husband, children, and coworkers don't know the enormous amount of sorrow and loss I feel. Also since it has happened, my body thinks I need to wake up at 4am everyday and I am definately not a morning person. I just have this huge feeling of loss, not just of my father, but of myself and I feel like I am waiting for something but I don't know what it is. I don't like to talk to anyone about all of this because partly I just don't know how to explain it and partly because I don't want to be the person of doom and gloom around everyone. I just feel so.....broken. I don't expect to get over this, but will I ever truely come to a place of acceptance? I just can't believe that I will never have one of our long discussions, or receive from him that advice that I'll need every so often, or one of those amazing hug I can only get from that big guy. Oh daddy, I miss you so much, you are the first man I ever loved and will always be in my heart! Thanks for letting me ramble on-whew that's the most I've said since he has passed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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