My father, my hero

[gmarbatt]

I'm not quite sure where to begin. I feel like I'm stuck in limbo. My father passed on May 6 this year-my parent's 40th anniversary. I've never imagined a world where one of my parents didn't exist. Although I am 38 years old, I still feel like their little girl. My parents and I have always had a strong bond, and now I feel like I've lost part of my identity. My father was a wonderful Dad, husband, and friend. I aspire to be like him every day. I have nightmares about my Dad breathing in his coffin and I'm running around screaming at everyone to let him out. I'm an RN and although I've held many a person's hand as they have passed, I was never prepared to have to do this with my own father. It was so sudden and unexpected that sometimes I still cannot believe that it has happened. It also pains me just as much to see my mom's heart broken. We are also very close not just as mother/daughter but friends as well. I worry about her, call her every day to check on her and see if she needs anything. They were always a matched pair and had so many plans of adventure to do together in their recent retirement. Trying to stay busy helps because it keeps me from thinking about what has happened and I know my father wouldn't want me to be a big crying mess. What is just as shocking is that even though my father has died, I'm still living, breathing, working, going on with life. I feel too guilty to enjoy anything when he isn't able to anymore. I guess some of the anger phase comes in when I take care of a patient much older than my father was and they are acting like a total jerk. I think, how could God take this beautiful man who had so much more to do and give the world and yet this mean person is still here? I don't let it affect my ability to provide excellent care, but I can't stop the thought. I think my nursing career prepared me to be there for my father in that moment. I have also had physical reactions to grief. I am losing weight, partly because I can't seem to get rid of the giant lump I feel I have in the back of my throat when I try to swallow. Nothing tastes right and I frequently get nauseated. I mostly put on a pleasant face so that my husband, children, and coworkers don't know the enormous amount of sorrow and loss I feel. Also since it has happened, my body thinks I need to wake up at 4am everyday and I am definately not a morning person. I just have this huge feeling of loss, not just of my father, but of myself and I feel like I am waiting for something but I don't know what it is. I don't like to talk to anyone about all of this because partly I just don't know how to explain it and partly because I don't want to be the person of doom and gloom around everyone. I just feel so.....broken. I don't expect to get over this, but will I ever truely come to a place of acceptance? I just can't believe that I will never have one of our long discussions, or receive from him that advice that I'll need every so often, or one of those amazing hug I can only get from that big guy. Oh daddy, I miss you so much, you are the first man I ever loved and will always be in my heart! Thanks for letting me ramble on-whew that's the most I've said since he has passed.

[BrandyBravoSoreth]

My Mom recently passed on May 18th. My Dad died almost 4 years ago. I am 50. Right now, I feel like a displaced person and that I have lost all of my innocence with the loss of my Mom. I think you feel a loss of yourself because your parents are such an integral part of you in every way. They are such an important part of your identity. Right now, I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that my Mom died, although I know she did die. I can tell you that I have been able to cope with the passing of my Dad. He was such a great presence in my life while he was alive, but he is still a great presence in my life. Unfortunately, the grief process takes a while and remember that there is no right way to grieve, and be kind to yourself in that you need to feel what you feel and are not doing anything wrong by feeling the way you do.

[krisw538]

I lost my dad in Jan 2010. I've kept myself so busy most of this time so i don't have to feel pain and be a downer to those who thankfully don't know that losing a parent is worse than losing anyone else. Problem is that when all the distractions and activity go away i'm left with all the things i stuff away. So here i am 2.5 years later, thinking I should be further along. Everything says there's no right way to grieve but i truly think I'm stuck. I don't want to hurt so i go back to denial and when it hits in the quiet moments after my children go with their dad for a visit, it's like it all just happened. I don't know where to go from here - how to get better or progress. I can say that my dad was amazing and a lot of people would agree but it doesn't explain what he meant to me. words can't seem to do that very well. i want him back so much but i'm glad he's not here still hurting from cancer. i do believe that i'll see him again and even that he's close by but the child in me doesn't think that matters. i want to call him and talk to him and hear him talk back to me. this can't be normal for 2.5 years later. i can only think it's because i'm not allowing myself to go through the grieving process. i'm afraid of it.

I'm so sorry for y'alls losses. It's comforting to be able to talk to someone who knows where i'm coming from - although i'm not really sure of that myself. I just came to the conclusion of what the basic problem is but like an onion there seem to be a bunch of layers to this. although i know i'm going to have to confront this in order for the pain to ease, its so hard to actually allow that. the funny (not really) thing is that the ONE person on earth who would have been so supportive and helped me so much through this is my dad.