memories

[babydollxx]

when i was a little girl around 8 years old, i suddenly lost my grandmother. she was like a mother to me because i lived with her and my grandfather. she was italian and always made my meals fresh, dressed me nicely, talked to me late at night when nobody else would, took care of me and helped me with my math homework - a subject i've always been bad at. she was very sick all of a sudden for a while and then passed away the day before christmas eve. i got so many presents that year from my aunt who said they were all what my grandmother wanted me to have, and i believe that because she would have gotten them all herself if she could have. i went back to school feeling like i lost my mother and my grandfather with my aunts help tried to do their best to take care of me, but i was relentlessly teased. i suffer(ed) from many health problems and the loss multiplied my already mounting depression. i had nobody at home to confide in or help me with things i was confused about anymore. i became angry inside, stepped away from religion and hated everything. my disease became uncontrollable. i buried the loss deep inside me.

i'm 20 now and a coulle years ago in december, i lost my uncle. i grew up with him living in my house downstairs, and then just a town away with my cousins and such. but he was the coolest person in my eyes when i was growing up, and when i was sad and lost i would go spend a weekend at his house away from my grandfather. he helped me with things like i felt like a "dad" should he like, something i never knew. he could be quite crude but often used it to mask his love for me and his kids. he always worried about my health and was overprotective about me over the other kids. when he took his kids to toys r us he would get me something too, and always let me do anything with them. i didn't even have a friend whose house i could go over, so this was always the biggest treat of my childhood. when i was 16 or so my condition worsened, he came to stay with me and would change my bandages and help me walk. he bought me good food and was doing his best to help me because he saw how "off" things were here. his own kids had their mom while he was here and i grew apart from my cousins a long time ago because nobody ever had time for my sickness, but i think he understood from my grandmas problems. anyway he moved out of state and when i was 18 i had another major surgery. i was very, very, VERY sick. there was a fine line between life and death. he never came to see me... but that was because he had been diagnosed with lung cancer. i focused on my own problems and was scared to talk to him too much because i feared upsetting him with my condition. i wasn't allowed to visit even when i was finally released because my condition was fragile. i talked to him on the phone finally and he told me he loved me. and then a couple days later, he died. as soon as i was getting better, he died and for some reason i have never gotten over this and doubt i ever will. they had a memorial up there and then another one down here. i went but i cried so hard during it that i could not stand and had to be helped to sit down where i cried more. my cousins recounted his ugly death, and though i think he felt no pain i could not stomach hearing it. for a while i laid in bed thinking 'why me? why did i live?' and sometimes that comes back and i cry for him and my grandmother too. they were both fAr too young. i have not achieved anything and i have crying fits where i wish it WAS me sometimes because they were far more loved than i am.

please no religious responses. thank you.

[ModKonnie]

I am so very sorry about your losses and your health situation. Have you considered going to professional therapy for your depression? Do you get out to talk to others? Do you think joining a grief and loss self help meeting or a depression support self help group could help you? Do you ever write down your feelings? Sometimes it helps to get them out on paper and then "release" them.

I am glad you are here. We will be here to support and encourage you.

ModKonnie

[babydollxx]

Yeah except I can'teave the house most of the time.

no transportation. And I have seizures.

Just had one last night, in fact.

And I used to go to therapy and it didn't really help though I suppose my therapists could have been the wrong fit...

thanks.

[ModKonnie]

Do you have any friends to talk to in person? What about a spiritual support group that could help with transportation? Are you taking medication for your seizures? Yes, sometimes a person has to try out a few therapists to find the right fit.

ModKonnie