First Holiday Season After Girlfriend Passed Away

[Donkey87]

Today is a really hard day for me and really it is going to be hard all holiday season long. I lost my girlfriend back in March and really this entire year has been hard but even harder now that the holiday season is upon us. We spent Thanksgiving together and Christmas together the past couple of years. She had bipolar and it finally got the best of her back in March. We had been on and off for the last 6 months prior to her death. I feel so guilty because she had a depression disease and I may have made it worse by not just staying with her instead of being on and off. She passed away from drinking way to much that her body shut down and eventually went into septic shock. I feel that if I would have not gone back and forth that this would not have happened. It eats at me each and every day. I get so mad at myself and I get mad at her as well. I thought eventually we would get back together fully. I never though something like this would happen. I don't know what to do. All I know is that it is hitting even harder today being Thanksgiving and that it will hit harder throughout the holiday season. I see people all over the place happy go lucky. Enjoying their loved ones. Enjoying time with their significant other. Not me and Im sure not you guys who are reading this either. This is the worst time of the year for us. I am beyond frustrated and sad and angry and there is nothing I can do about it. All I do is wonder had I stayed with her and not gone back and forth would she still be alive? I don't know and I will never know. All I know is I can't handle this. I am all alone this holiday season and I do not see any light at the end of the tunnel. I hate the holidays but really I hate myself.

[Roxeanne]

Donkey 87 i know your feelings...'cos i felt the same years ago! I had regrets and a strong sense of guilt not being able to save him! But as time passed and knowing the experiences of others in the same conditions i slowly understood that we are only humans not superheroes, that you can't control the life and the will of another person...especially one with bipolar problem and depression! They fight with their demons and maybe yes you can save them this time...but in a month, two months...in a year ?  We don't have that power....

I tortured myself enough before to recognize i did my best with him, that i could not do more...

I was so devasted by his death that i wanted to maintain that illusion..."i had to save him and it's all my fault he is not here with me anymore"!

Maybe you can little by little try to not be hard with yourself, little by little try not to beat yourself too much... forgive yourself and find some comfort and peace! Really there was nothing we could do to save them....only them could save themselves!

Hugs Roxi

 

 

[Donkey87]

Roxeanne thankyou for your response. It means a lot. I know it may have happened even later on down the line but it still hurts and I can't shake the guilty feeling. Especially this time of year. It is really hard.

[KayC]

We go through different phases, what you are going through right now is super hard. I hope it eases up for you.

[Victoria C S]

We cannot control anothers decision. My husband passed away after struggling with his alcoholism following rehab last month and having a freak fall walking home. I sometimes think If I hadnt gotten frustrated when he decided to walk to the bar he would still be here. It doesnt hurt less, but its not our choice