Losing my Rainbow Baby

[MomofFulton]

We suffered five and a half years of recurrent miscarriages before having our rainbow baby. He is almost two. And now he has medication induced heart failure and we will lose him, though we do not know at what point. We are a Christian (Catholic) family and I am struggling with trusting God and not being angry with him for allowing this to happen. How could my Rainbow Baby be leaving us this soon?? I'm utterly crushed and destroyed.

[WilderPappy]

Momo,

No words. Nothing can be said that will ease your pain and sadness. Today is the 6-month anniversary of me losing my 16-month grandson. We are catholic as well and still are struggling with faith after this. Being crushed and destroyed is now your everyday condition. The only thing I could ever see helping get over this is God himself speaking to me and telling me it's his plan for whatever reason. We as humans are told that we are earthly people, in this world but not of it so our knowledge is limited to this world, and we are unable to understand and see Gods plan. That doesn't help and we are tasked to continue on with this event forever changing everything going forward. I have no answers. I have prayed, cried out loud asking for something, anything to help and understand and frankly have gotten nothing. Your world and struggles to have children have magnified this pain even more for you I would assume. All any of us can do is continue forward less that we were. How is this even a life? I would assume again your many struggles and then having a child only amplifies your pain more. I do not know why things like this happen. I only know that they do. Stay close with the ones you love as that is the only thing that will help in any way. I hope you and yours find your way together because that is the only way through it.

[MomofFulton]

1 hour ago, WilderPappy said:

Momo,

No words. Nothing can be said that will ease your pain and sadness. Today is the 6-month anniversary of me losing my 16-month grandson. We are catholic as well and still are struggling with faith after this. Being crushed and destroyed is now your everyday condition. The only thing I could ever see helping get over this is God himself speaking to me and telling me it's his plan for whatever reason. We as humans are told that we are earthly people, in this world but not of it so our knowledge is limited to this world, and we are unable to understand and see Gods plan. That doesn't help and we are tasked to continue on with this event forever changing everything going forward. I have no answers. I have prayed, cried out loud asking for something, anything to help and understand and frankly have gotten nothing. Your world and struggles to have children have magnified this pain even more for you I would assume. All any of us can do is continue forward less that we were. How is this even a life? I would assume again your many struggles and then having a child only amplifies your pain more. I do not know why things like this happen. I only know that they do. Stay close with the ones you love as that is the only thing that will help in any way. I hope you and yours find your way together because that is the only way through it.

WilderPappy,

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I have no words,.only solidarity. The grief we are experiencing has already begun although our child is still with us and to many appears healthy. His condition , along with a few other stressors from moving, landed me in a psychiatric hospital for 11 days after my husband found out I was suicidal. This further added to my grief- instead of spending precious time with my family, I was surrounded by a blaringly loud tv, rude nurses, and rough people who squabbled and cussed incessantly. Not exactly a healing environment - the only upside is that I'm now on meds that are helping me to function and fake joy at times. But they will never mend my broken heart or bring my baby back to health. He was so perfect when he was born. Completely perfect.

Now I no longer have intent to commit suicide, but I'm still left wondering how in the world, even with "God's grace", can I continue on living? I have two other beautiful children (11&8) and my husband to live for, but our family will never be the same. My family absolutely adores Fulton. He has brought us so much joy and brought our family together.

He completed our family- we waited so so long for him, and almost gave up, and now I'm honestly fiercely angry with God for allowing us to have him just for him to be ripped away from us. It all seems like a cruel, sick joke.

Now, I don't want to commit suicide, and I don't want to hate God - both I feel would jeopardize my eternity with my baby who I know with certainty will go straight to heaven when he dies. But right now, it is hard to sustain a life of faith if in my heart, I'm saying that I'm angry with God and the only reason I want to be in heaven is to be with my child, not necessarily with God. I pray God can soften my heart over time, as I don't want to hate him. But I am stubborn by nature and I fear it will be a long long road.

You pointed out the belief that God's ways are beyond ours, and I've often thought of this too. It does zero to comfort me. I look around at church and see happy families with lots of children and young children and wonder why God hates me so much. I know that is false thinking, but it's how I feel. Here I am with my little Catholic family of five, a family that has seem so much loss and grief already, and I foolishly thought after his birth everything would be okay. And I have been so thankful for even being given three children, when I know there are proud Catholics who flaunt their big families and have no clue what it's like to suffer infertility and be in the dark hole of loss. And now for me, that hole is about to get deeper and darker???

I'm still going to church, going through the motions, but it's all I can do to not break down weeping. I feel like I go through Mass with the longest, saddest face, and I can't get out of church fast enough. I don't want to  see or talk to anyone (we're new anyway so we don't have many friends anyway). I feel like I will never be able to relate to another person outside of my family again. And it's hard enough, with mental illness, to relate to my family.

Prayers for your family, and again, I'm so sorry.