Grieving Journey

[Jeremy_B]

Hello, my name is Jeremy.

My wife passed away last month from cancer. She was 41. I am 42. We were married for (6) years and were friends for (3) before that.  We have young children, a son (2) and a daughter (5). Her cancer journey began ~2 years ago and was stable for a long time until September. The last month or so was very hard. 
 

I am here writing because I feel a little shame or guilt that I’m ready to move on, but some hesitancy because I don’t want to speed anything up and miss out on the grieving I need to pass through. I know it’s a process and can take years and isn’t linear. 
 

My wife was a lovely woman, she had amazing values. She will forever be a part of me. She nurtured me and our children well. She was also a bit of a perfectionist and I found it hard to be close to her emotionally, though it was my hearts desire. The cancer journey was hard for both of us and it complicated our relationship and stifled our ability to comfortably connect. I felt distant from her for sometime but loved her to the best of my ability.  Cancer was a weight on both of us. 
 

One of our cancer strategies was prioritizing her sleep and striving for decreased stress/ smooth operations. This is to say, we operated in a very routine way and we had little fun or casual experience, our romance/intimacy was mostly relegated to sex (which was very wonderful) but not as close or connecting as we probably both wanted. She was sensitive in many ways so I often walked on eggshells.
 

I miss her, and I also miss what could’ve been. 
 

What I am trying to say is, part of me is really interested in moving on (packing her things up, getting counseling and dating). I want to go through her things and keep a few keepsakes and let go of the rest.
 

For me, I feel like the whole past two years has been grieving. It seems to me, that by not moving on, I risk getting stuck, idolizing her, and it would be worse for me and our children. 
 

Open to comments. 
 

[KayC]

I'd advise you to box them up rather than toss them while fresh in grief.  That said, I am sorry for your loss and all you have been through!  Cancer is horrid imo. I went through it with a friend.  In the end, she lived and her husband died (long haul Covid).

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

 

[Roxeanne]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your young wife and all you went through!

I understand that you want to move on and forget all the pain... but take your time! Grief is very imponderable...there is no way to escape it! You are young and you have the responsability of your lovely children who need a parent at least...maybe you can rebuilt your life soon...i hope that for you but pay attention to your emotions even the contraddictory feelings about your wife...it's not easy get rid of them as much as you want!

My experience of grief is:

Live your emotions to the fullest and then let them go!

Grief is not a straight line journey but a slow voyage through...