Lost

[Aus1412]

Hey everyone.  Today was one of those days.  I felt lost without my mother.  Like how did I end up in this world without her.  Alone.  Abandoned.  Scared.  Lonely.  Just feeling "by myself".  It started last night with a dream.  I was in a well furnished room, like a living room.  There was a contemporary  mounted television.  And also in the room was an older tv, like one made in the 60s, but it was very nice.  I choose to watch the older television.  I think because the older tv reminded me of home.  Maybe symbolic of my mother.    Then in the dream, I was in a theater, at an event full of celebrities.  They were nicely dressed, but I was not.  I was walking with them to get seated for the event, but they kicked me out.  I was alone outside.  Maybe symbolic of not fitting in with society anymore beacause I have lost my mother.  And being kicked out symbolizing losing my mother and being alone.

It didnt' help that I went to her home today to clean more out of her closet.  I grabbed an armful of clothes and hugged them as if they were her.   I just wanted to feel my mom.  Her clothes are so beautiful just like her.  I was in her home, feeling the pain of her being gone.  Moving forward without her feels like a betrayal to her.  I want her to see me now.  I needed her to see me grow even older.  All she knows of me now is frozen in time for her.  She will never see or know my life from here forward.  And that pains me.  I wanted her to continue taking  this journey with me.  To continue to be in my world because she was always my world.  Living without her feels so odd and strange.  Like I'm in a world that belongs to someone else.    God, please take care of my mother.  She never liked to just sit around.  She was always doing something that made a room, herself, someone else, more beautiful.  Please give her something joyous to do.  She was always doing something nice, unique, and wonderful.  Please let her be fulfilled in Heaven.   That little aweet lady deserves that.  She did so much for so many.   She made my life what it is today.  Please care for my mother in Heaven.  I hope someday, somehow, You will just let me say hi to her, hug her, see her face.