What offends or upsets you from others who (try) to offer condolences?

[ImMomma]

We all have triggers for different emotions. That is human nature.  It ties to our upbringing, experiences, society, environment, beliefs and more.  

 

What are things people say or do that make you sad, or mad, or hopeful, or comforted?  Even if its only for a few seconds?  

 

There are some good articles and teachings that are meant to help "others" communicate appropriately in certain circumstances.   

But...  most everyone here knows that we are unique and have different comforts and triggers.

There are common platitudes that we've probably all heard.  

When I was a counselor, I never interjected my own beliefs. I tried to listen and honestly look into my own experiences and try to find similar relationships or experiences in an effort to show respect and support.    For some, the mere act of my trying to find a relatable experience, and admitting failure, was enough to offer a few seconds of positive distraction.  For others, it was offensive.  I was not bad at assessing what approach to take, but I didn't always get it right.  

Its been a while since I was a couselor and I never reupped my certification.   But I am still a decent listener.   

What are your triggers?  What helps you?  For me it also depends on my mood and what I have experienced on a certain day. 

There are those in this community for whom I have said / say prayers.  I am genuine in my effort.  I am married to a Christian.  

In my own grief my 'hurt' feelings are triggered when people who never knew my husband, use his name.  Weird when one of the things we learn in grief counseling is to use the name of the deceased person.  I did that a lot & with positive results.  But now, I cannot.  Even doing that for someone else now triggers my own sadness.

[Silver K]

I don't get angry but I don't like it when people say "I can relate," or "I know what you're going through," because no two people grieve the same. I'm sure not everyone thinks the same and would appreciate being told this. But it's just not for me.

[ImMomma]

2 hours ago, Silver K said:

I'm sure not everyone thinks the same and would appreciate being told this. But it's just not for me.

Bullseye.  This is tricky.  In one way I want to show someone that I am not a stranger to their loss, but I also do not want to diminish or belittle their unique pain.   

My instinct is to try to find something relatable in my own life.  When I was becoming a counselor I finally  understood that my approach could have the opposite effect.  

Now I might say "I don't know how you feel, but I understand a little about loss and hurt, and I am a good listener if you need to vent or cry.  No judgement"

A coworker called me the other day and I listened for a couple hours.    Her mom is dying of cancer. Her mom & I are the same age.   She later told me it helped her a lot, because she was at the end of her rope with family stuff and just needed a sympathetic sounding board.   I held back and kept my mouth shut and my ears open.  I dont think she needed or wanted to hear any "I know how you feel" or "I can relate" platitudes. 

[Silver K]

It is tricky! It brings me comfort when I know someone else has felt that horrid pain of loss and that I'm not alone. But on the same token, pain is a unique experience to each of us. There's no easy way to approach the subject of death, no matter how hard we try. That's why I would never get angry or offended if someone did say "the wrong thing" to me. It's no different than if someone says "God bless." Just because I'm not religious doesn't mean that the person saying it didn't have the best intentions. They do believe and it's not my place to judge them.