Life can go on

[Richard 77]

I lost my wife in January this year after a long illness with Alzheimers. I had been her carer for 10 years prior to her passing. She was my everything my life... my reason for being! Although I physically lost her in January this year to all intents and purposes I actually lost her some 8 years ago when our relationship changed from husband and wife to carer and cared for. ..no meaningful conversation or affection, actually more of the opposite abuse and aggression were the emotions I was living with. No one seemed to get it... but I still loved her dearly. Since she passed I have been a miserable wreck trapped in an ever decreasing world of sadness. Recently I have been chatting online to a woman who has been through a similar experience and she has been of great support and encouragement... she has helped me to see that life can go on and has shared so many anecdotes of how she survived the loss of her dear husband. In a supportive way... we agreed to meet for a coffee just to chat in a safe environment with no judgement or vested interest.  It felt liberating but now I don't know just where I am emotionally ... we are incredibly supportive to each other and get on fantastically well. I have been so lonely for so many years and now I have this wonderful person to spend some happy times with ... but I am so confused. The one thing I am not confused about though is that all the moping and self pity I was putting myself through was being unfair to myself, my family and my late wifes memory... she would have been upset with my behaviour ... thanks to this wonderful lady I now do realise that life can go on!!

[KayC]

Welcome here.  It helps to read and post and know you are not alone.  You are doing some thought process and that is good.  
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[widower2]

13 hours ago, Richard 77 said:

I lost my wife in January this year after a long illness with Alzheimers. I had been her carer for 10 years prior to her passing. She was my everything my life... my reason for being! Although I physically lost her in January this year to all intents and purposes I actually lost her some 8 years ago when our relationship changed from husband and wife to carer and cared for. ..no meaningful conversation or affection, actually more of the opposite abuse and aggression were the emotions I was living with. No one seemed to get it... but I still loved her dearly. Since she passed I have been a miserable wreck trapped in an ever decreasing world of sadness. Recently I have been chatting online to a woman who has been through a similar experience and she has been of great support and encouragement... she has helped me to see that life can go on and has shared so many anecdotes of how she survived the loss of her dear husband. In a supportive way... we agreed to meet for a coffee just to chat in a safe environment with no judgement or vested interest.  It felt liberating but now I don't know just where I am emotionally ... we are incredibly supportive to each other and get on fantastically well. I have been so lonely for so many years and now I have this wonderful person to spend some happy times with ... but I am so confused. The one thing I am not confused about though is that all the moping and self pity I was putting myself through was being unfair to myself, my family and my late wifes memory... she would have been upset with my behaviour ... thanks to this wonderful lady I now do realise that life can go on!!

I'm sorry for all of your suffering, but glad you found someone to really relate to. I also respectfully disagree that you were "moping" or full of self pity. You suffered for a VERY long time watching your wife over time effectively fading away and becoming another person before passing, then losing her...that's so so much. You were/are more than entitled to whatever sadness you have or have had. It's nothing to be ashamed of.