Nothing I do can fix the damage I've done to my relationship.

[thatoneguy917]

I have been with my wife for five years and a couple of years ago, I developed a porn habit as an outlet. I felt like I loved my wife and I loved the time we spent together, but her mental health was deteriorating and I felt like I was always on edge. I got to the point where I felt like she didn't want to be with me but needed me to be a caretaker. We still had positive moments - we still had good times together - but the bad times seemed to be more and more present.

I found my way from pornography to online chat sites and apps while hoping things would get better, and it got more extreme - picture and video swaps. For me it was like a game, something I could do without actually hurting her that felt like an escape. It went from something I was doing after an incident to a "first line of escape" when I was upset, almost like an automatic reaction.

She found out about it several months ago, and we are trying to work through it, but I feel hopeless. I feel like nothing will ever be better after what a fool I was, that I deceived myself into thinking what I did was okay because it wasn't hurting her and wasn't cheating, but nothing could be further from the truth. I feel like I don't deserve her, and I don't deserve respect or a chance at finding the happiness we had prior.

I feel like there's no future where I can ever regain her trust and beyond that, I worry that I never really had it. I always felt like I was being second guessed and doubted because of her mental health, that my intentions were never being assumed to be positive (not that I haven't made mistakes) and that now that I have something truly wrong that I've done, there is no path to recovery. If she couldn't trust me when things were good, how can she ever trust me when there is a terrible wrong I've done?

I love her and have always loved her. I think she still loves me, but also hates me for what I've done. I will never be able to regain her respect, her trust, and without that I don't know how we can ever move forward. We've done some therapy work, but I don't know how therapy can ever fix what is broken between us. I feel like she'd be better off without me now, if I could just somehow give her my income and disappear.

 

[KayC]

It isn't too late but I would expect to give that up if you have any chance of repairing it.

[thatoneguy917]

Of course, I haven't done anything like that since the discovery and therapy. I should have included that in my post. It's been hard because her mental health hasn't improved, if anything it's gotten worse now because of me, but when I make myself think of doing anything like that I am just sickened and disgusted with myself. I am in regular therapy now but that doesn't change the truth of the damage I've caused.

[KayC]

No, but give yourself credit for what you have done to improve with therapy!  At some point she will need to recognize the changes you have made and accept who you are today and begin to release the past if you are to have any hope of survival.  Continue to do what you are doing regardless of whether or not she chooses to accept you for who you are today or not.  Do not revert back if she chooses not to.  Accept that what you have been through was to bring you on a better path.