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Grief and Guilt in Losing my Dog


MarieRay

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I lost my dog Ray two days ago. He was diagnosed with kidney disease in June of 2023. He stopped being able to eat 2 weeks ago. I took him in for fluids every day for those two weeks, but he still couldn't/wouldn't eat. If he did try to eat or drink he vomited, it was so sad to watch, and heartbreaking to not find anything to tempt him. My vet counseled me that it was time to think about letting him go. I knew the time was coming, but nothing can really prepare a person for being in the position to decide when to take that step. I decided to let Ray go before he started suffering catastrophic results from his kidney failure, and now I feel so guilty I can barely breathe. He was so thin, so tired, and weak, he was not able to walk very far without needing to be picked up and carried. 

I am having a really hard time coping with the guilt. Maybe I could have kept him here for a bit longer. I'm so scared that I overestimated his suffering. he was still himself, loving, snuggly, alert. I was petrified of the things my vet said could start happening, seizures, pain, ulcers. I thought about a feeding tube, but that felt wrong, to force food into his little body when he was so nauseous. 

I don't know what to do. I am so desperately sad, but also filled with so much guilt. I'm a little scared of how inconsolable I feel.

I had Ray for 11 years. He was a chihuahua mix. A little angel who was a force of love in my life. We had an adventurous life and were rarely apart. I feel a loss of him, but also of myself. Please, anyone, please tell me how you go or are getting through your loss. Especially the guilt of euthanasia. 

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Oh no, I am so sorry!  It's the hardest thing in the world to lose our beloved pet.  

The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died nearly 19 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

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I had Preston put down 7/26/24.  I had him for 11 years.  He had cancer.  MY story is similar to yours. For the 11 years we were nearly always together. I have found you can't turn off the grief.  You need to stay active as much as possible. Over time there will be more and longer periods where ( at least for me ) the grief is replaced by positive thoughts of remembering the good times with him and thanking God that I had him at all. He was a gift, and 11 years is a long time to enjoy a gift. Now that its 3 months after, for me, there are still moments of intense sadness, but they're less and fade away quickly. Time is the medicine for this, it seems at least for me. And, based on how you describe his state of health, you did the right thing. I know I could have had a couple week's more time with Preston also, but it would have been an awful time for him and it would have been very selfish of me. You did the absolutely right thing, based on how you describe the situation.

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I feel the same, I had my dog Arlie 10 1/2 years, vet diaagnosed him with inoperable cancer (two weeks after a clean bill of health, somebody missed something!  I gave him the best care I could, including CBD oil for dogs, SAMe, Milk Thistle, probios, home cooking, walks for what he could handle.  I do not regret having him put to sleep when I did as it was to spare him more pain, it was hard enough to go through what he did.  But I remember wanting to dig him up two weeks after he died so I could kiss his sweet face again...no I didn't, but oh how much the missing him continued!  My heart goes out to anyone going through this.

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Thank you Kay, and Jim.

I knew it would be difficult, but I was unprepared for the immense guilt. It is crushing. I feel like I'm two people right now, one is rational and can see everything fairly Cleary, and was is irrational and out of my mind with grief and regret. 

I know that in time I will remember the good, more than the good, the magic that was Ray, more than the end. But wow, right now I am barely breathing. He had separation anxiety, but not in a destructive way, he would cry, very loudly, or bark, if he couldn't see me at all times, and I really didn't mind. I really curled my life around Ray's and his needs. I chose him, he chose me, and that's just how we were. I feel like I'm missing a limb. 

I would give anything to stop feeling so guilty and regretful. Being so scared that I did things too soon is corrosive. It's not an easy thing to end someone's life. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. I hope he can forgive me and knows that I did everything I could to ensure he had the best care, and that his suffering was mild not severe. 

Thank you for sharing your feelings. It all helps. To know one isn't alone helps.

 

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I understand, I did with Arlie and I do with my Kodie (service dog) now.

 

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Nope. You're not alone. And look around at  the people you see walking dogs, or having cats, birds, any pet.   I got really down when we had to put down the last of our pair of lovebirds a couple of years back. The vets could see how upset I was after he was put down. The head of the department came to talk to me before I left. She said, this day is the day we all sign up for when we adopt a pet. We all go through it. No exceptions. And we talked a little more before I left. I know what she said gave me a different way of seeing this whole thing.  Each and every person you see will be where you are right now. We're a community in so many ways good, and bad, including this. No, you are not alone.

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Hi MarieRay

I'm living the same experience as you right now. My 11 year old dog had to be PTS on Friday. He has degenerative myelopathy and spinal stenosis, went off his feet two years ago but I managed to keep him going with a mobility harness. He developed a pressure sore that got infected, which we treated for three weeks with no improvement. The skin became necrotic and he was in a lot of pain but hid it well (flinched when it was touched, licked it and was panting a lot, but otherwise was his usually happy self). Vet advised he was in too much pain and leg wouldn't heal without surgery so he was PTS at home on Friday.

I've felt immense pain and guilt since then, like maybe I decided to soon, maybe he could have lasted longer, maybe I could have looked after the wound better. It's the worst feeling I've ever had, the grief is leaving me exhausted and I have tightness in my chest and my gut. I can't eat, can't sleep without background noise to distract me, can't focus on anything. I can't look at his picture, or where he slept in the house.

I would do anything to have him back with me. I'm terrified that I'm going to lose his smell around the house and haven't been able to put his stuff away. I have no advice for you, but just wanted to let you know you aren't alone with these feelings ❤️

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I am so sorry you lost your dog!  I hope you realize that this is for you also!

The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died nearly 19 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

 
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17 hours ago, Drea83 said:

Hi MarieRay

I'm living the same experience as you right now. My 11 year old dog had to be PTS on Friday. He has degenerative myelopathy and spinal stenosis, went off his feet two years ago but I managed to keep him going with a mobility harness. He developed a pressure sore that got infected, which we treated for three weeks with no improvement. The skin became necrotic and he was in a lot of pain but hid it well (flinched when it was touched, licked it and was panting a lot, but otherwise was his usually happy self). Vet advised he was in too much pain and leg wouldn't heal without surgery so he was PTS at home on Friday.

I've felt immense pain and guilt since then, like maybe I decided to soon, maybe he could have lasted longer, maybe I could have looked after the wound better. It's the worst feeling I've ever had, the grief is leaving me exhausted and I have tightness in my chest and my gut. I can't eat, can't sleep without background noise to distract me, can't focus on anything. I can't look at his picture, or where he slept in the house.

I would do anything to have him back with me. I'm terrified that I'm going to lose his smell around the house and haven't been able to put his stuff away. I have no advice for you, but just wanted to let you know you aren't alone with these feelings ❤️

Hi Drea,

I'm so sorry for your loss, and the grief and the guilt you are feeling. From your description of what you and your beloved pup went through, it sounds like you did all you could, but somehow that feels like cold comfort, doesn't it. People keep saying the same to me, and sometimes it gives a little comfort, but most of the time I am plagued by self doubt. 

I've been feeling all the feelings you have described. Also, struggling to see, yet not see him everywhere in my house. Wanting nothing more that to have him back, to change my mind, to do even more than I did. It's been devastating. 

I bought a book that I saw featured here on The Marginalian, called The Grieving Brain and it has helped me at least understand what is happening physiologically in my mind and body. It doesn't help with the overwhelming grief, but it has, so far, helped me understand some of it which has helped me move a centimeter in a more functional direction. 

It has only bee a week for me, and I feel pretty raw emotionally, but I am trying very hard to shift my focus from the end of Ray's life (so hard to type that) to the eleven amazing years we had together. 

One of the most difficult parts of this—there are so may difficult parts—is his constant presence and force of love. I am so lucky to be able to bring my "boys" (I have a second dog) to work whenever I want. Ray was with me most days at work and I'm so grateful I was able to keep him so close. 

My friends have been amazing. I am normally pretty reserved, but I've really leaned into the softness that has been so generously given to me by my friends and family. 

I wish, for all of us here, that time and memory help us through this most difficult passage of grief. 

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