Today

[Aus1412]

The last couple of days were bearable.  I got through the day.  Did my parental duties.  Went to a school football game.  The weather was so nice and the crowd so pleasant and cheery that I had a good time.

However, today was a well-known person's birthday, which caused me to think of my mother's birthday next month.  It was triggering.  I cried.  I stood in the middle of my kitchen a few minutes ago and realized again how much I miss and need my mom.  As she got older, I was so proud to wish her a happy birthday, happy that she was still here.  And now it's different.  Next month on her birthday, there will be no one here.  I cannot look in her eyes now with all the love I have and give her a birthday kiss a hug.   I loved that she was still here with us.  She is so very absent now.

I don't even talk as much as I used to because I always talked to my mom 3-4 times a day.  I realized I have spoken about half as much as I used to.  When I wake up in the mornings, I feel very lost.  I feel like I have been abandoned, to navigate a world I never navigated without my captain, my mom.

I feel despondent thinking about the future and doing new things, because she will never be a part of them.  It feels very unfair.  It feels like my mom's life just slipped through my hands and I was unable to catch her...