Loss is just the start of the dominoes

[Morticia]

After the death of my spouse 4 months ago I don't find value in much. I don't want to live in this house without him, work the job I took to support him or take care of his prize winning orchids. Is the loss just the beginning of a domino effect? How much has to change before you start to feel ok again?

[KayC]

It takes concerted effort and lots of time.  For me I couldn't sleep in our bed, but couldn't get rid of it either.  It's been over 19 years ago Father's Day.  I sleep in our loveseat recliner.  George did our gardening, I had to let it go. Due to my age and multiple injuries I have to hire the lawnmowing and weedwhacking done.  I still shovel the snow out of necessity and hauling wood for the wood stove.

Little by little we begin to fin our way.  Day 11 I found a refrigerator magnet that reads:

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[BohoKat]

@KayC inspired me to share my magnet, which says “Enjoy the little things in life for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.”

At first, this was bittersweet for me. I couldn’t help thinking of all of the little things that Mark was to me as well as the big things. But over time it came to mean that every day I need to treasure the special things that happen even in my new life without him. We should all have memories that carry us forward in the future.

Even though it often feels like it, losing that special person should not mean you lose your entire life. Healing, like many things in life, is a process. The journey you are on will continue in fits  and starts as you move into your new life. Give yourself space and grace as you learn to live without your loved one.

 

 

 

 

 

[KayC]

3 hours ago, BohoKat said:

@KayC inspired me to share my magnet, which says “Enjoy the little things in life for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.”

That is so special, thank you for sharing it!

[widower2]

  

On 10/17/2024 at 11:46 PM, Morticia said:

After the death of my spouse 4 months ago I don't find value in much. I don't want to live in this house without him, work the job I took to support him or take care of his prize winning orchids. Is the loss just the beginning of a domino effect? How much has to change before you start to feel ok again?

I'm so sorry. Your feelings I think we can all relate to, to one degree or other. There is no pat answer to the timelines ("when will I start to feel OK") etc, and it's a gradual thing...but the upside is that, realistically, over time, you WILL start to feel better. Not dancing in the streets exactly, the pain never goes away entirely, but most likely it will subside over time...those angry waves that knock you down at every turn now will become less frequent and less harsh as well; that searing anguish will morph into more of a dull ache. Still not exactly something one would put on their bucket list, but far more preferable and manageable than what you're dealing with now. So, realistically, believe it or not, better days are ahead. Hold on. I hope this site can help in some way. It's a great group of people who "get it."