I miss you Momma

[jenna_ms]

About two weeks ago, I lost my 59 year old mother to cancer. She has battled and beat it about 6 years ago, but now it had come back. I knew she was tired of the chemo and treatments, and I also knew she was tired of dealing with her dysfunctional sisters and mom.

The thing is, nobody told me how sick she actually was; not even her... She lived in my hometown, and I live about 1000 miles away because I moved up north four years ago. So her death is something that I'm processing in a weird way. I know she didn't want us to worry about her. She didn't want us to be sad. She didn't call me much before all of this, which upsets me. I already grieved her the first time she got cancer because I really thought she was going to pass that time. I am 26 years old, I haven't had children yet, I am engaged but we didn't have a wedding yet. I wanted her to witness those things, but she never will. I love her very much and I will miss her every single day...

I'm still in the disbelief phase of grief. I don't deny that she's gone, but I am still shocked. At least I got to see her the day before she passed. My brother told me she's sleeping a lot and not looking so good. I couldn't believe it and took a short-notice flight to go down there. She really was not good...I couldn't even recognize her. I didn't want her laying in that bed to be the last image in my head...I didn't want to remember her that way... this is something I think will take a long time to learn to cope with. The very next morning she died, almost as if she was waiting for me. Funeral home took her that same morning and had her cremated. These tragic images will haunt me forever, but I know I'm not alone. I think that the unfortunate circumstances of her death make the grieving process more complex for me.

I need my mom, everyone needs their mom. My relationship with my mom was not strong at the end, but she never held grudges and was never mad at me. I know the person she was before the cancer took over her life. She was a manifestation of life, a lively person. A happy person... My world feels different now regardless. It's only been two weeks and I'm starting to dream about her every night, most nights waking up randomly and thinking about her. I would do anything to give her one more hug, and all the times she hugged me in the past I wish I could've hugged her a little tighter. I get choked up thinking about this. I do feel guilt, I do blame myself...but what is the point? She wouldn't want me to feel guilty. She would want me to be happy and move on with my life. I keep reminding myself of that...but it's hard to remember that. I don't want to lose myself and neglect myself, I just want to eat well and stay active. I don't wanna let this sadness disrupt my life. But it's difficult to do those things at the moment. I know that life goes on but sometimes I feel so empty and asking myself, "what is the point of moving on?" The dreams aren't positive ones, I wish they were.

My mom may not be here on Earth but the memories of her are forever in my mind. She did her best, and she never hurt anyone. I love her so much.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss, that is so young.
Parent Loss: Continuing Their Song

[Matthew48]

Your post was very touching. I know the pain of maternal loss: I lost my mother a year and a half ago. It's been terrible, but some things will get better over time. We cannot escape loss. Even if he we have our parents until 70, 80 or 90, they will still die. It's just part of life. No, it doesn't make you feel better in saying that, but if you really contemplate it, it can give a little relief. 

I can relate to your bit about your mother's sisters. My mother's sisters were absolutely a nightmare to deal with after her death. I don't even like to talk about it. They were terribly disrespectful to me, my dad and my sister. Only one talks to us today, but I'm close to ending the relationship with her, too.  It's as if they're turned on us, because my mother was like a buffer veil between them and us. I don't know.

One more thing: The first year of grief is more about shock. It's in the second year that you start to come to terms with what really happened. Now, that's not true for everyone but it is for most. 

Please take care of yourself. And remember that most of us who have lost parents feel or have felt exactly what you feel now. You'll be okay somehow. 

Peace and healing.

 

[always_somethin]

My mom was 64 when she passed from COPD and pneumonia, plus other health issues. I recently found out that she kept the COPD a secret and probably didn't want my brother and I to worry. But the odd thing she would say every now and then, "You're gonna have so many nice memories of me." were her warnings. I'm 31 and never thought of marriage or kids, and she respected my feelings about not wanting to be a mother myself (I always loved that about her), but now I guess it's hitting me a little different. I considered my mom a best friend and now she's one less person I can go to for advice or for a hug. I miss her hugs terribly.

I'm definitely the same about not wanting this sadness to disrupt life. Sometimes I wish I could snap myself out of it. But you need to honor grief, even if it's just by writing small "letters" to your mother like I do for mine. I try to meditate and read more. I need to make up for all the days I've spent crying. And just knowing I'm not alone in this process helps a lot.

We're always here for you.

[Matthew48]

On 10/17/2024 at 8:13 PM, always_somethin said:

My mom was 64 when she passed from COPD and pneumonia, plus other health issues. I recently found out that she kept the COPD a secret and probably didn't want my brother and I to worry. But the odd thing she would say every now and then, "You're gonna have so many nice memories of me." were her warnings. I'm 31 and never thought of marriage or kids, and she respected my feelings about not wanting to be a mother myself (I always loved that about her), but now I guess it's hitting me a little different. I considered my mom a best friend and now she's one less person I can go to for advice or for a hug. I miss her hugs terribly.

I'm definitely the same about not wanting this sadness to disrupt life. Sometimes I wish I could snap myself out of it. But you need to honor grief, even if it's just by writing small "letters" to your mother like I do for mine. I try to meditate and read more. I need to make up for all the days I've spent crying. And just knowing I'm not alone in this process helps a lot.

We're always here for you.

We have to honor our grief -- that's so true! We also can't run from the terrible feelings when they arise. But, at the same time, we don't purposely do things to make ourselves feel sad. I read about a man who never looked at a picture of his mother after her death. 30 years or so have passed, and still to this day, he's never looked at a picture. That's his business -- there is no right or wrong. It's not as if he must look at pictures of his mother to function well in everyday life. We do what we have to do to live with the sadness.

As for me, after my mother died a year and half ago, her siblings started posting pictures of her on Facebook as well as showing me photos of her in person when we'd meet up (which was just a few times). They knew it bothered me, but kept doing it over and over again.  They have no respect for me and my immediate family -- it's what they want and NOW.  I finally let them know that there picture craze was inappropriate in front of me. If they want to share pictures among each other or have a private group of picture-sharing, then you have every right. That said, respect that I and my father and sister don't like looking at pictures of her. They got all offended, and stopped talking to us.

I just shared the above, because we are to support others in their grief -- not add to it.  Pictures aren't helpful for my family, but they might be for others. 

Don't purposely turn on a sad song that reminds of your dead parent just to feel sad. Do you know what I mean? Why feel worse than what you already do? It's not about running away, but don't bringg on the sad feelings for no reason. 

You're not alone in grief.

Please take care of yourself, and may peace and healing come upon you over time.

[ImMomma]

I can empathize with your feelings.  My experience was different than yours, but I do understand.   I was lucky.  My mom lived with me & my husband the last 8 years of her life. I grew up around death and we didn't shy away from discussing it.  My dad passed years earlier.  Mom never dated and did not have a social life at all.   We spent hours going through very old family photos and mom would tell me about the people and I wrote it all down.   Sadly, there is no family that wants those photos or to know the history.

Even though i grew up knowing parents are supposed to go first - I still find myself wishing I could talk to mom sometimes.  Or wonder what she might think about all the things that happened in my life since she died Aug. 11, 2006.      But they are nostalgic more than sad.   

 

It does get better for you.  Its not a smooth sail, but the storms grow lighter and further apart with time.  Expect a few squalls sometimes, but it does even out