Terrible CNN article featuring grieving widow on "what not to say"

[widower2]

I'm sure some will disagree and that's fine but IMO this article really (really) sucks. Not only can I think of about 100 better candidates for what not to say to someone in this situation, some of which I expected to see and none made the list, but IMO all five things she mentions are IMO GOOD things to say to someone (assuming of course they are sincere). Sorry if this puts anyone off; again just IMO. 

https://www.cnn.com/2024/10/12/health/what-not-to-say-grief-wellness/index.html

 

[foreverhis]

Overall, I agree with you. 

"How are you?" is certainly a loaded question when it's part of the nearly meaningless social interactions like when you're in the checkout line and the checker asks it.  But when it's coming from someone close, someone we know is truly asking and wants honesty, it can be a powerful moment of acceptance.  So yes, I agree with you that it's not the wrong thing to say, when it's sincere.

"How can I help?" is one I agree is problematic at best, so I can't disagree with the author on it.  In the early months, I often, usually even, had no idea how anyone could help.  Asking me was overwhelming because I felt the need to come up with something when my brain was barely functioning.  I didn't believe anyone or anything could help, so it put extra pressure on me.  Specific offers of help were better for me because the answer was binary, yes or no.  OTOH, that's me and my feeling about it.  Others likely would be able to respond better to that question.

"I can't imagine what you must be going through."  You're right on about that!  And I really (really) dislike how the author talks about it.  Imagining how we'd feel about a deep loss is nowhere near actually experiencing it.  No one knows what it's like until they've been there, lived with that.  "But the statement has the unintended effect of isolating us on a grief island, as though loss was somehow singularly ours."  Ugh!  Hello, author?  How freaking dare you insinuate that my grief is not singularly mine!  I get that the author means we're not the only ones grieving in the world, but that's not the point.  If I want to be "an island" in my personal grief, I will be, thank you very much!  You want to protect me from my pain?  You can't, you condescending...well, never mind. 

"This is so unfair."  Well, okay, that's obvious, but it doesn't hurt to have the people around us acknowledge the unfairness.  Just because it's a "Well, duh," statement, it's not wrong.

"I want to come give you a hug."  This is not one I've ever thought about at all.  The author equates the statement to friends and family showing up at our doorsteps crying and needing help with their grief.  Those are not the same things at all.  No, I didn't and don't want to have to help anyone except our girls through grieving for John.  Our closest friends and other family didn't expect that from me when they were with me.  I cried, they cried, and we hugged in a kind of solidarity.  We shared those moments of pain with everyone acknowledging that, if we must compare, my loss, pain, and grief were deeper and "more."  I never felt they were asking or expecting me to help them deal with their grief.

You're right that there are about 100 things that would have been better to list and far better ways to talk about deep grief.  I didn't like the article and feel it both skims over what grief is really like and sounds condescending toward grievers.

[widower2]

 

  Thoughtful as always FH. In response: 

1 hour ago, foreverhis said:

"How can I help?" is one I agree is problematic at best, so I can't disagree with the author on it.  In the early months, I often, usually even, had no idea how anyone could help.  Asking me was overwhelming because I felt the need to come up with something when my brain was barely functioning.  I didn't believe anyone or anything could help, so it put extra pressure on me.  Specific offers of help were better for me because the answer was binary, yes or no.  OTOH, that's me and my feeling about it.  Others likely would be able to respond better to that question.

I get that. But I see the intent and interest in helping vs the reality of the details. A simple "I don't know but thanks for asking" would for me have sufficed as a response, and one I would have made with great gratitude just for the offering. Frankly it's far more than I got. 

 

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"I can't imagine what you must be going through."  You're right on about that!  And I really (really) dislike how the author talks about it.  Imagining how we'd feel about a deep loss is nowhere near actually experiencing it.  No one knows what it's like until they've been there, lived with that.  "But the statement has the unintended effect of isolating us on a grief island, as though loss was somehow singularly ours."  Ugh!  Hello, author?  How freaking dare you insinuate that my grief is not singularly mine!  I get that the author means we're not the only ones grieving in the world, but that's not the point.  If I want to be "an island" in my personal grief, I will be, thank you very much!  You want to protect me from my pain?  You can't, you condescending...well, never mind. 

Exactly....

 

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"This is so unfair."  Well, okay, that's obvious, but it doesn't hurt to have the people around us acknowledge the unfairness.  Just because it's a "Well, duh," statement, it's not wrong.

And again   

 

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"I want to come give you a hug."  This is not one I've ever thought about at all.  The author equates the statement to friends and family showing up at our doorsteps crying and needing help with their grief.  Those are not the same things at all.  No, I didn't and don't want to have to help anyone except our girls through grieving for John.  Our closest friends and other family didn't expect that from me when they were with me.  I cried, they cried, and we hugged in a kind of solidarity.  We shared those moments of pain with everyone acknowledging that, if we must compare, my loss, pain, and grief were deeper and "more."  I never felt they were asking or expecting me to help them deal with their grief.

And again. The article is just so idiotic. What th was this woman thinking (assuming she was thinking at all)? But hey, she's an award-winning author, so God forbid CNN hesitate for a second before publishing her drivel. All hail mass media! 

 

 

[foreverhis]

One of the most frustrating things about this article is that it starts well. The author lost her husband. She talks about people not knowing what to say. She reminds people that it’s okay and normal to be at a loss for words and that it can be better to think before speaking, rather than blurting out platitudes. She even acknowledges that “[t]here’s no one right answer, of course. What is helpful for me may not work for someone else, and words that I find off-putting may be the perfect balm for another person.” It’s the way she describes each of her personal “don’t” statements that bothers me.

[widower2]

Yeah, what also bothers me is she says that, but I think it was thrown in as a "CYA" and would bet good money she really thinks what she's touting is generally a truism. Insert loud "wrong answer" buzzer sound here and double bonus points for the total irresponsibility/lack of thought that went into whatever editor(s) decided it was a good idea to put that on the front page of CNN.com. 

[AJ4]

In the past 3 years I have read a dozen something articles that are similar "what not to say" and my takeaway from all of them is that you can't say anything to make a grieving person feel better.  No one who is grieving an intimate loss is made to feel better by the comments of strangers or acquaintances or work colleagues.  Words are not "fix its".  If you are part of their circle, you can help by being there for them, by listening, by sharing memories.  

And this is something  I mostly tell myself, but I will share it anyway:  If you are grieving, then part of that grief is anger.  Sometimes it comes out at people who say things to you about your grief.  People who try to comfort you are doing their best, and they will (some of them) inevitably say the wrong thing.  But guess what, I/you probably have also said the wrong thing at times, and you can be mad at them or you can extend grace to them and tell yourself that they are trying to show they care at least.  Everyone has different trigger phrases that they hate and will make them angry, but how is someone else going to know your individual hates/wants?  They don't.  This article expresses one opinion on what not to say, but that sure doesn't hold true for all of us.   

[ShawnC]

Agreed.

[widower2]

On 10/27/2024 at 10:41 AM, AJ4 said:

In the past 3 years I have read a dozen something articles that are similar "what not to say" and my takeaway from all of them is that you can't say anything to make a grieving person feel better.  No one who is grieving an intimate loss is made to feel better by the comments of strangers or acquaintances or work colleagues. 

What about family and friends?

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Words are not "fix its". 

Of course not. But there are appropriate and inappropriate things to say.

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If you are grieving, then part of that grief is anger.  Sometimes it comes out at people who say things to you about your grief.  People who try to comfort you are doing their best, and they will (some of them) inevitably say the wrong thing.  But guess what, I/you probably have also said the wrong thing at times, and you can be mad at them or you can extend grace to them and tell yourself that they are trying to show they care at least.

Exactly.  It's easier said than done, but IMO one should try to keep the intent of the words in mind vs what may be bumbling/wrong words said. 

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Everyone has different trigger phrases that they hate and will make them angry, but how is someone else going to know your individual hates/wants?  They don't.  This article expresses one opinion on what not to say, but that sure doesn't hold true for all of us.   

I can't imagine how or why anyone would think any of those things are inappropriate. It's a ludicrous opinion IMO. I heard exactly one of them from one person the entire time, which I appreciated.

This lady certainly has a right to her opinion, but I remain repulsed and disgusted at CNN for being ignorant enough to post it...on the front page no less.