Thoughts on moving away?

[Jzbelle]

Hello, lurker here.   Has anyone moved after their partner's death, and if so, would you recommend it or not?

I live in Richmond, VA, and my husband and I have lived here since 1996.  It's the longest either of us have lived in one place in our entire lives.  In September (4 weeks ago), my husband died suddenly.  We'd been together since August 1980, so it's been a huge adjustment for me.  Two of my adult children live just 2 hours away in Maryland.  They've been encouraging me to move closer to them now.  I had seriously considered it before, as before my Sweetie died he had developed frontotemporal dementia.  I knew I would need help with him as he declined.  Then he had a heart attack a month ago and everything changed.

I've never lived on my own except for when I was in a dorm in college (and I'm 62, ffs).  I want to try being on my own in my home (I'm an introvert, and I love RVA!), but at the same time I have the chance to be minutes away from 7 of my 13 grandkids as they grow.  I love both of my daughters-in-law, so there's no family drama to affect my decision.  I can see the kids (again, only 2 hours away), but it's a p.i.t.a. between the drive and my pets at home.

If you've moved after losing your partner, did you regret it later?  Were you happier in a new place, possibly closer to family?  Was it hard being somewhere new without memories of your partner?  If you downsized your home, did it make life a little easier?  (My house is honestly too big for one person now.  Upstairs is just guest rooms and my husband's old office.) 

I appreciate any insight.  The posts I've been reading have helped me quite a bit as I have been adjusting to being alone. ❤️

[widower2]

I did, but I had no choice. Long story and basically irrelevant as my circumstances were unique. In general, IMO one should not move, or make any really big, life-changing decisions, for at least a year if not more. Why? Because your mind is in a chaotic state right now...not the best frame of mind to make such decisions. Another reason: if you move and later realize it was a mistake, it's too late; you can't take it back. But if you wait and decide it's right to move, you can still do it. 

[KayC]

And I would extend that year.  I was in grief fog longer than a year.

[LMR]

Circumstances made me move too. It wasn't a choice. In my honest opinion I think it has made it harder for me to come to terms with my loss. I would go back if I could but I can't return to my home. If at all possible I would suggest keeping your house and all your belongings and just taking a break for a little while.

One year is definitely not enough time to know how you really feel about such a big change, not even two. I'm at four years and still have anxiety about making decisions. 

Living with someone else is hard however much you love them. I keep expecting the same kind of feedback and banter that I had with my husband and it doesn't come. That and not having any memories in this area accentuate the gaping hole in my life. I had to be here but I do wish I'd found a way to keep my home.

 

 

[ShawnC]

Rule of thumb is no big decisions for a year, but everyone is unique.

The person you were before is fading and a new person is developing; the weight of grief changed us, let that change settle and then you will know the proper decision for the future. 

[KayC]

My advice given was if there were options of staying, everyone's situation is unique; some HAVE to move for financial reasons or other considerations.

[Sar123]

It’s a big decision to make so if I were you, i wouldn’t rush into it right now. My situation is similar to yours although my kids do not live in the same state- one is 7 hours away and the other lives in another country.  My kids wanted me to sell our house and move into a townhouse right away. I didn’t want to so I have stayed. The house and yard are too big for one person, and I know I will have to move at some point, but I needed to live in the house that we built and raised our kids in. It’s home.
 

I’m also an introvert so moving to a place where i don’t know anyone makes me uncomfortable just thinking about it.  I may be ready to move in a couple of years, but I’m not there yet. Do what’s right for you. Take your time. It’s a big adjustment to living alone. Like you, i haven’t lived alone  for decades, although I’m not completely alone since I have my dog. Having him has helped me through this. Take comfort that your kids and grandkids want you close by . That’s huge, in my opinion.  

[DWS]

My broken heart goes out to yours on the tremendous and sudden loss of your husband. Your question of staying or going is a good one but as the others here have said, it's best not to be making any hasty decisions right now. KayC mentioned grief fog and it is most definitely a thing. It's a crazy state of mind particularly for those of us who "think" we've got this and are always good at handling crisis. But a loss like yours and like mine and like everyone else's who wind up finding this forum proves to be the strangest force that we have yet to meet. 

I can certainly see why your family would automatically believe it's best for you to move closer. Their concerns for you right now through their own grief are off the chart perhaps thinking you're better off near them and in their more immediate care...but it does sound like you're hesitating on that one. A big thing to be considered is making a move like that will change the family dynamics. Maybe having your children two hours away and not instantly on your doorstep has been, up to this point, ideal for you...maybe for them as well....and yet, at the same time, making that two hour drive to see them and leaving beloved pets behind during your time away is majorly stressful. 

But with it being four weeks into your loss and this sudden change isn't the time to figure things out for the future. My partner's death was terribly sudden and it was six or seven weeks before it really all hit me. I was aware....I was weakened....and I was crying constantly during those first few weeks but I see it now that that was my ego in grief. My heart hadn't even begun to deal with it. 

[Gail 8588]

Jzbelle,

I am so sorry for your loss.  I will echo many of the comments posted here already. 

If you can stay put, I would recommend you do that for the first year.  I didn't  have that as an option as I could not afford to stay in our home. I sold our home and moved out in 5 months.  I really only accomplished that because my sister- in-law (SIL) came over and made the thousands of decisions I was incapable of making. Grief fog completely took over my brain. I had a terrible time making any decisions. I was lucky to have a SIL who took charge of my life.

I moved a second time 8 months later, to be close to my son and DIL who were expecting my first grandchild.  I now have 2 grandsons. They have been my salvation, but it took me several years before I could experience any joy even in their presence. 

Even though my husband never lived in the house I now have, his presence is here everywhere. Art that we bought together, knickknacks we bought for each other, photos of him or the 2 of us together are everywhere in my home. The shirt and pants he wore the day of his stroke still hang on a hook on my closet door and it gives me comfort to touch it as I pass.

It has been almost 8 years since he passed.  I feel his presence with me every day. I know he is proud of me that I did what I had to do to downsize and be financially secure in a smaller home.  I feel he sees his grandsons through my eyes and he is happy I get such joy being with them. 

My advice is to not be afraid of moving, you won't leave him behind. He will come with you. But if you can stay put for a year, you will be more able to make some of the decisions required to move.  It sounds like you have good support from family that will help you.  That is a huge blessing. 

There is a lot to consider. I was 62 when my husband died also. For me health insurance was a big factor.  I wanted to keep working until I became eligible for Medicare at 65.  I tried to keep working, and my employer was very accommodating, but after a little more than a year, I retired early. My brain just could not focus on work.

Hope you will continue to post here.  We understand how hard this is.  Our lives have been shattered too. 

Gail