Little death 'truth bombs'

[Lyndon]

I knew our marriage had it's up and downs but I just chalked it up to marriage being hard and us being very different people. Over the 30+ years, when I would "check in", my husband would tell me everything was fine, or just say we were in a 'down'.  By and large, I was treated with indifference off and on but it just became my new normal.

He admitted to being a selfish person but provided for us and we had some really good years along with the bad. The kids LOVED him as he was the fun parent because while he got quality time, because he didn't spend much time with them overall, I got quantity time as I was trying to be both parents.

In Fall of 2023 he was diagnosed with cancer and nine months later was gone. I was his caregiver, which was difficult after the many years of being treated as a hired hand, to some degree. The really hard part has turned out to be the little 'truth bombs' he felt the need to leave me with. He reminded me that he was attractive and thought he'd end up with an attractive spouse so he wasn't sure how he "ended up with" me. (I'd heard similar before so that wasn't totally new.) The newer 'pearls of wisdom' were that he hadn't wanted to be married for most of our 34 years, that he hadn't loved me for the majority of our marriage, that "we were very different people and never should have gotten married", etc. I'd always known deep down that he'd cheated, though he never admitted it. It has been a topic for so long that by the time he passed the cheating was a non-subject for me. I no longer have hurt or anger about that.

His last couple of weeks he would call me into the room as he said he needed to tell me something important....then after an hour of not being able to say the words, he'd tell me to 'never mind' and go. I thought maybe he was just going to finally confess to the affairs, but it feels like it was bigger than that. I've also found that he told me hurtful things that our kids said about me, that I now find they didn't. So he was also sabotaging my relationship with them.  WHY??

So now, four months after his death, I'm left with unanswered questions and the knowledge that the last 30+ years weren't what I thought.  I had changed almost everything about myself and became a person that no one (including myself) liked in an attempt to please him.  I now know that I was NEVER going to be able to please him. After being told that I was awkward and embarrassing, unattractive and not good enough for so long, I crawled inside myself and have wanted to disappear for years. I now know that I was gaslighted (Geez I hate that term!) for SO many years, and all of the junk I pushed deep down inside to keep the peace is bubbling to the surface. 

He died the hero.... for our children, for his co-workers (where he spent most of his time), and for his extended family.....because of his charisma and friendliness. I see that to me he was often rude, very often uncaring, usually selfish, and a liar, but I accepted those things about him. I fully understand that I 'made my bed' so I shouldn't have expected a better marriage. What I don't understand is why he felt the need to say these hurtful things before he died so now we can't discuss them. It has left me wracked with guilt and confusion. I want to remember the good times but can't get these 'truths' out of my head. How does one let those things go and move forward? After so many years of gaslighting and being the bottom rung of the ladder, I'm finding it really difficult to 'put myself first', as everyone keeps telling me. Ugh....I feel like I'm losing my mind. 

If anyone has experience with these 'death bed confessions', I'd appreciate your feedback. Thank you

[ThereIsAField]

Hi Lyndon,

Wow, that sounds really difficult.

I didn't go through the 'death bed confessions' but my partner and I were in a very difficult place in our relationship before he passed away and I felt like I'd "lost" the person I'd once loved, even before he died, so I can relate to that aspect of it. It's a different kind of loss.

Why your husband felt the need to put you through that, I have no idea. It seems quite a cruel thing to do.

My best guess is that he felt a need to say what he felt he needed to say, before he died... The appropriate person to talk to would've been a counselor or a minister or a friend. Someone who could listen to him, without feeling personally hurt.

It sounds like he "used" you as his sounding board, because he didn't have a more appropriate person to talk to about his reflections about his life or talking about his regrets.

It sounds like it was an unfortunate situation and him using you and putting his needs above yours, yet again.

I guess the only sort of "excuse" he might have is that when people are dying, they can be pretty desperate emotionally and their own needs may be all they feel able to focus on.

If you can, I think it would be worth getting some counselling to process that mess and put it behind you so you can move onto a positive future for yourself.