go slow with grief

[always_somethin]

I haven't been as active on this forum. Trying to find a new "normal", some days I'm doing better emotionally while other days I'm miserable. One thing I've learned that has helped me get through losing my mom is to move slowly or just with intention. I used to rush vacuuming a room and now I take my time. It's almost monk-like moving through grief. I write a lot now, sometimes I wake up very early and feel the need to record a poem. My creativity keeps me going and I'm thankful for that. My mom loved to write letters and in journals too, and I feel so strongly connected to her in that way - we had a lot of other things in common, spending most of our time in solitude. She enjoyed audiobooks and a site called "Bored Panda", always finding amusement.

I also motivated myself to start cooking more and learning new recipes - she loved being in the kitchen and would often tell me (when she got worse) that she missed cooking dinners for me and my brother. What broke my heart was that she told me that she didn't feel like a mother anymore. She still loved and cared for us in other ways and I hope I tried to remind her that - even just her going into my room (two steps at a time with the walker, I could cry) and giving me a kiss on the head. I hugged her a lot and she would sometimes embrace me tighter and say "Remember this." or "You're going to have so many nice memories of me."

She knew all along that she had COPD and hid it from us. I found that out from my brother who noticed some old healthcare paperwork she never showed us. I'm not upset at her, it's just the knowing that haunts me now. I always knew that her smoking was bad and we both tried encouraging her to quit much earlier. But making her own cigarettes looked like a meditation for her and I tried to respect that. What else can you do?

This entry is a bit all over the place but isn't that grief? We're all so equally sad yet maybe a little relieved, depressed but just trying to embrace each moment. I don't want anything in life but to heal and to honor her.