My bf died two days ago and I don't know how to cope.

[wanderkitty]

My boyfriend of four years died two days ago. I'm terribly unhappy. He was everything to me, my best friend. He was always there for me.  

I had a bad feeling last week before he left with his friends for the weekend. They always walk a few dozen miles and then drink alcohol in the evening. I begged him not to go. I wanted him to spend a relaxing weekend with me. He told me he'd see me in a week. On Sunday, he texted me that he wasn't feeling well. Then he stopped texting and calling. Finally, he texted from the hospital that he had kidney inflammation and was on an IV. I wanted to visit him, but he was very ill and confused, that he couldn't tell me which hospital he was in. On Friday he wrote that I shouldn't come, that he was being taken to dialysis. I called him several times, but he didn't answer. Finally he called me and his voice sounded really scary. He said he had severe sepsis and he was so glad he could still hear my voice. He wanted me to come to see him the next day and that he loved me so much. The next day when I arrived at the hospital he was gone. His kidneys and heart had failed. He died of septic shock. 

I'm devastated. I can't eat or drink, I have trouble breathing and diarrhea.

I'm also very angry. He's had prostate problems before and he was on medication. He drank very little. When he was on trips he hardly drank at all so he didn't have to pee outside. I'm afraid that this contributed a lot to his illness. He also had major hygiene problems, not washing his hands after toileting and only bathing once a week. When I was with him, I had to keep reminding him of everything. Pushed him to drink, to wash himself.

I don't know what to do. I don't feel good at all. I keep thinking if he hadn't gone to that trip, he might still be here. I'm still waiting for his message, to hear his voice, to see him. But that will never happen. How can someone overcome this? 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss.  My husband also died suddenly, unexpectedly.  It's very hard.  You ask how we overcome it, we don't, we just learn to live with it.  Keep coming here, reading & posting, it helps to know others are going through it and get it.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[wanderkitty]

Thank you KayC for your answer and tips. Somehow I am worse today. I wonder if I ever feel better.....

[KayC]

You will but it may take quite some time to get there. Don't compare yourself to anyone or expect yourself to be a certain way by how long it took them, everyone's journey is unique, so are their relationships.

[BohoKat]

On 10/7/2024 at 9:44 AM, wanderkitty said:

…On Sunday, he texted me that he wasn't feeling well. Then he stopped texting and calling. Finally, he texted from the hospital that he had kidney inflammation and was on an IV. I wanted to visit him, but he was very ill and confused, that he couldn't tell me which hospital he was in. On Friday he wrote that I shouldn't come, that he was being taken to dialysis. I called him several times, but he didn't answer. Finally he called me and his voice sounded really scary. He said he had severe sepsis and he was so glad he could still hear my voice. He wanted me to come to see him the next day and that he loved me so much. The next day when I arrived at the hospital he was gone. His kidneys and heart had failed. He died of septic shock. 

I'm devastated. I can't eat or drink, I have trouble breathing and diarrhea.

I'm also very angry. He's had prostate problems before and he was on medication. He drank very little. When he was on trips he hardly drank at all so he didn't have to pee outside. I'm afraid that this contributed a lot to his illness. He also had major hygiene problems, not washing his hands after toileting and only bathing once a week. When I was with him, I had to keep reminding him of everything. Pushed him to drink, to wash himself...

It is so hard when you have to watch your loved one’s health deteriorate and feeling angry is perfectly normal. That anger comes from fighting something you’re not in control of.

I can relate to that anger. In the year my husband had cancer before he died he made several health care decisions I strongly disagreed with. I have tried to let go of the anger but it still bubbles up sometimes.

I have learned to set aside a few hours to just feel it and wallow in it and then pick myself up and go on. This cathartic approach works for me,

[ThirdG]

I had to cope with the sudden death of my wife after 46 years. I too was distraught, inconsolable and thoroughly sick to my stomach that first night. What has saved me was a connection to two people who had gone through what i went through. Upon seeing my message about Amanda’s death, one of the widows (of 20 years) promptly drove over, gave me a huge hug, and assured me that what i was going through was absolutely normal, what to expect with my grief, and had even printed some things for me on the subject. i was heartened, dumbfounded, still crying but incredibly grateful for all of this. It turned me around! She’s my good platonic friend now. It’s been 2 years since Amanda died. I realize now I’ll always miss her, but i also realize that as long as i live, I had best contribute to my fellow humans. We as a species all depend on each other. And although we miss our dead loved ones, we continue to live in a great community of humans. All of us keep each other alive. That is why my friend dropped everything to help me that first difficult night.

My other widowed friend is my last living aunt. She’s twice widowed (her first husband died in his 40s). She lives further away from me, but still goes strong in her 80s. She repeated a few days later what my first friend said, and offered both sympathy and pointers of her own. Getting advice from either of them would have been a great gift on its own. Having connections with both is amazing. One day i hope that you too will help somebody out with your words. You’ll find that you’re suddenly the expert and you may save the life of the person you help.

[KayC]

12 hours ago, BohoKat said:

I have learned to set aside a few hours to just feel it and wallow in it and then pick myself up and go on. This cathartic approach works for me,

Making time to grieve - Ask Dr. Neimeyer

Great idea, Boho!

3 Reasons To Let Yourself Feel Your Emotions | Huffington Post

[wanderkitty]

Thank you so much everyone for answering. I really appreciate it. I am chronically ill and have noone to talk to, like no friends.

I still can't get over his habits. I can still hear him saying "Nothing can every happen to me, I am healthy." He repeated this sentence to most of my concerns. I still can't understand why he almost stopped drinking any fluid after the problems with his prostate. He always told me, if he would get thirsty, he would drink. But he almost never got thirsty. He worked physically hard but also barely ate, because he didn't want to be fat. The nurse told me his body was too weak to fight.

[KayC]

You can talk to us, we're listening...