What were your Last words/actions

[Di_m0r]

Good day everyone,

I hope this week is treating you better, and if not, I’m sending all the positive energy your way.

I’d love to hear your stories about last words and last actions with loved ones. I’m curious to know if others remember them as vividly as I do. It feels like those final moments/words carry a lot of meaning—sometimes they bring closure, and other times, they can leave us with regret.

What’s your perspective on this?

[KayC]

Welcome here.  Why don't you start by sharing a bit of you story?  How long has it been since you lost your spouse?

[ThirdG]

I had no idea that Amanda would be dead in two days. I was home after spending most of the last six months recovering from surgeries relating to my cancer diagnosis. She was in Respite Care at a nursing home because even though i’d been out of the hospital i’d been told i was too weak to take care of her. We’d mostly talked on Facebook, but of late both her tablet and her phone had “disappeared” and one lens was missing from her glasses. None of this seemed to perturb the staff of the nursing home in the slightest. luckily, her tablet turned up and i made sure it was working. i also arranged to have some new glasses sent to her. But i really wanted her to come hone! She’d been having panic attacks and seizures, and to my mind that had something to do with our separation. We hugged, kissed and tickled each other like teenagers while together. My brother who’d driven me there made himself scarce, giving us the gift of privacy. I got the strong impression that she’d be coming home.We said goodbye to each other i’m sure but I don’t remember the particulars. We both seemed healthy and there was no need for drama.

Two days later, as I ate a late lunch, my phone rang. Amanda was having another seizure, was being coded and about to be transported to the hospital.  My thought was, “not again!” A few minutes later I got another call, the phone was passed to a doctor. Amanda was dead, despite being worked on both by the nursing home aides and the emergency paramedics. Thus we never got to say a final goodbye.

[Di_m0r]

Hi everyone - since you asked here is a bit of my story

I lost my dear husband three years ago, and not a day passes without thinking of him. We were married for 52 wonderful years.

The final days were often chaotic. He had been battling prostate cancer for years, and toward the end, he became completely dependent on others. My daughters and I were constantly helping, which left little time for peaceful moments together.

He was eventually admitted to the hospital, where he stayed for about a week. Sadly, before we could visit him one day, we received the heartbreaking news that he had passed away.

I know in my heart that we did everything we could, and I believe he knew how deeply we all loved him, even if our last moments weren’t what we wished for.

But I still find myself wishing I could go back, just for one last moment before the illness took over—a moment where we could simply talk and share a meaningful conversation.

[Di_m0r]

Hi ThirdG,

I am so deeply sorry to hear this. It breaks my heart that you and Amanda didn’t get the chance to have a final goodbye. Losing someone so dear is such a profound loss, and when that farewell is missing, it can leave such an empty space in our hearts.

She sounds like a truly special person, and I have no doubt she felt every bit of the love you had for her, even in your last moments together. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to carry that pain. I’m so sorry you had to go through this.

[KayC]

I am so sorry, this is for you...the journey is ever evolving so you may want to save this or print it out to read every few months as different things will stand out to you.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Bunny9]

I lost my husband 2 years ago on August 1. It was 2 weeks before his 37th birthday, my 39th, and 1 month before our anniversary. He was an alcoholic and an addict. I'm not positive but I think the last the last thing I said to him it was that I wanted a divorce. I know i said it. Just not sure if it was my last sentence. We went to sleep on separate couches and I woke up an hour or 2 later to him dead on the floor in front of my feet.  I did cpr anyway. I can still taste his rigor mortus mouth. His mom blames me and we haven't spoken in over a year. She was no help while he was alive though and is an alcoholic herself. I tried to bring him to the hospital earlier the day he died because he couldn't eat, drink, or leave the house. He was vomiting blood. He refused. We tried for several years to have a child but both have reproductive issues. He got depressed because he really wanted to be a dad and his addiction got worse. Now I am grieving him, the fact that I'll never be a mom (I'm 41 now so even without my busted uterus it's unlikely), and the loss of my home as I couldn't afford it by myself. I now live with my mom which is a whole set of other problems for another forum. Despite his demons he had a huge heart and was my best friend and I miss him more than I can explain. I am just existing now. I have no purpose or motivation. My dog is my child and best friend and he's 10 and I'm already panicking about losing him too. 

 

[KayC]

@Bunny9 I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. My husband had issues too but he was definitely my best friend, and soul mate, the love of my life!
Be sure and post in loss of spouse section so others know you too have lost your husband, it helps to realize others get it and understand.

My dog is also my source of comfort.  It;s been 19 years last Father's Day, I'm on my third dog since then.  You're the same age as my daughter.  She was born to be a mom but her physical condition is complicated.  She's had to settle on being aunty to her friends' kids, not the same, I know.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[BohoKat]

Mark was in home hospice after unsuccessful treatment for liver cancer. My adult daughter was taking the night shift with the morphine and was unable to rouse him at 2 am.

I was asleep on the couch next to his hospital bed by the big picture window in our living room. My daughter left us “sleeping together” for a few hours then woke me.

I help his hand for another few hours and then kissed him repeatedly before I let the funeral director take him for cremation. Although Mark was mostly incoherent by this time, I was still disappointed he passed in the night and I couldn’t tell him one more time how much he meant to me, how he was my life.

It has been three years I have been without my soulmate. Started grief counseling today so wish me luck.

[KayC]

I hope you get a good counselor that listens and hears you.  Let us know how it goes.

[BohoKat]

On 10/11/2024 at 6:12 PM, KayC said:

I hope you get a good counselor that listens and hears you.  Let us know how it goes.

@KayC @Kat11 I have had a good experience so far with my grief counseling. The counselor I chose is a former hospice chaplain and fellow Catholic, which is helpful to me that she has a similar spiritual background.

Mark has been gone 3 1/2 years. After one of my periods of numbness early on, I did not come out of it spiritually. After a lifetime of deep spirituality. I have felt spiritually dead pretty much for the last two plus years. I have not attended church or Bible study or any activities. I didn’t even put up my nativity set last year.

My counselor has come up with some interesting homework for me, but is not pushing me too hard into returning to the Church. She asked me a straightforward question, which is “are you just stuck between atheism, agnosticism and Catholicism?” Which pretty much sums up my current dilemma.

I can’t feel Mark like I used to, leading me away from spirituality. This is going to take a lot of thinking considering and discernment to reconcile what is in my heart and in my brain and in my soul, but that’s the update for the moment. I mostly feel a sense of deep confusion and loneliness, similar to the early days of my grief.

[Brazil Man]

I said good bye to my wife because I knew her illness was terminal but she didn't say good bye to me. She said "why are you saying good bye to me ? are you going away ? "

[KayC]

We never got to say goodbye, they threw me off the ward and locked the door. I found a little chaplain's room and was praying when they came, four of them, and I knew. I thought, so this is what it's like to be a vet's wife? I cried out loudly, "NOT MY HUSBAND!!!"  It reverberated throughout the hospital.

[AJ4]

The last morning with my husband is partly vivid memories and partly a haze that I don't remember.   He was in a bed that hospice provided in our living room.  I was sleeping in a recliner chair right next to him after discovering that during my shift (me and my mom were taking turns being with him to provide medicine or just be near by in case of any need) that I couldn't get any sleep at all in my own bed upstairs.  I could get a little sleep if I was right beside him.   His breathing had been getting worse the 24 hours before, and he had needed extra pain medicine that night to get away from signs of being in pain.  He was not able to say much by then, and seemed confused.  But he did  repeatedly say that was going, it was time to go, he had to go, things like that.  I have heard that is common with people who know they are dying but are not really lucid.   That morning he started agonal breathing, which I knew was the next thing before death.  I called the hospice nurse to see what I was supposed to do.  He said to gather the family around to say good bye.  So I woke up everyone and I called his mom (staying at a hotel nearby) and in just a few minutes he was gone.   The hospice people called the coroner or whoever the official is that does the official time of death.  I know they were half an hour off because he died at 7 am and they didn't get there until half an hour later (which is honestly pretty quick seeing as how our house is 20 minutes from anywhere).   At the moment of death he went from doing this terrible deep gasp (agonal breathing) and a very painful tense look to a complete relaxation of features in his face.  It was very obvious his suffering was over.  I held his hand for a long time afterward, not really saying much but just holding on.  

His mom came then and also some nurses or someone? IDK there were a lot of people that showed up.  Together his mom and I washed and prepared his body for the funeral home people.  It felt like a sacred calling.  Really hard, but necessary that it was a job for people who loved him.   I picked out some clothes I thought he would like, some of his favorites- not too old but also not too formal.    When the funeral home people came to take him away I couldn't watch and I hid in another room.   

The whole day was weird and horrible and surreal.  We had to do a lot of things, like go to the funeral home and make decisions on after care.  All I wanted to do was die and go with him.  

[AJ4]

KayC
I'm so sorry they made you leave.  That sounds terrible.  

[KayC]

7 hours ago, AJ4 said:

All I wanted to do was die and go with him.  

I don't blame you.

[Hortencia]

Last text message was baby u want to go for a walk I said of course I love u she said I love u too  with heats and smile faces and the we went on killed her

[KayC]

Welcome here, I am so sorry for your loss!  It helps to find people who get it and understand, this is that place.  Just pour out your heart, when you are ready, you can read and post.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Packrat]

My blue eyed angel was aspirating  that morning, and  when the Hospice nurse arrived, she told me Faye was leaving this world that morning. My first thought was how much I just wanted to hold her, but I knew she was about to step across, and wouldn't be able to respond, so I told the nurse I was going to do something Faye really liked. So I sat in a chair at the foot of her bed with my guitar and sang her the song " Come Jesus Come".  As I finished the last line of the song her eyes focused behind me on something, and as I finished the last note, she got still. The nurse took her vitals and said my love had gone home. I feel in my heart she was looking at angels coming to take her home that morning. God's promise is such a comfort to me.  " To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord."

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

4 hours ago, Packrat said:

To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord."

Amen!

[KayC]

7 hours ago, Packrat said:

I told the nurse I was going to do something Faye really liked. So I sat in a chair at the foot of her bed with my guitar and sang her the song " Come Jesus Come".  As I finished the last line of the song her eyes focused behind me on something, and as I finished the last note, she got still. The nurse took her vitals and said my love had gone home.

How precious that you did that!  It's like you ushered her to her next place!  You will carry this memory with you and I hope it brings you solace.