Lost my stepdad, now losing my mother

[Josh1768]

Well I’m new to this and I am feeling pretty broken.  Back in 2010 I lost my stepfather to a sudden massive heart attack, he was 40.  I was very close with him and it really hurt.  Today at 37, I am almost the age he was when he passed.  Fast forward today, my mother has been fighting leukemia for a few years now, and fighting well. My mom is the kind of woman who could lose a finger and swear it’s a paper cut.  The past few weeks she has been having dizzy spells and headaches, confusion, and difficulty finishing sentences; she finally heeds my advice and sees her doctor and is immediately sent to the ER for fear she may be having a stroke.  To my dismay the diagnosis would be much worse.  She had a ct scan that found fluid around her brain and some lesions on it.  An MRI would show what is believed to be either a lymphoma or glioblastoma tumor encompassing almost a fifth of her brain.  If this sounds kind of just scattered I apologize I am truly just exhausted and drained.  I’m going back to the hospital tomorrow to find out how much time we are talking she may have left, and I just keep crying about how unfair it is, she is only 62 and it’s just so sudden.  I don’t know what to do anymore, I feel frozen, like I can’t breathe, mourning the inevitable.

[KayC]

I am so sorry.  Any close loss is hard, but loss of the one you are close to, it's just really tough.  We'll be here to listen to you as you go through this, please know that we care.

[Josh1768]

It is appreciated, just kind of being able to speak about it helps.  The good news is there aren’t any tumors or growths anywhere else, her leukemia is controlled too.  Friday she will have a biopsy of this “mass”, hoping and praying it isn’t a glioblastoma.  The neurosurgeon gave us a little hope that it could be a number of things, but hope is all i really have.  I’ll know by Tuesday when the biopsy comes back what it is we are dealing with, thanks again to anybody even just listening to me talk, I don’t have a whole lot of people to talk to.

[KayC]

Do keep us posted. 🤞

[Matthew48]

20 hours ago, Josh1768 said:

It is appreciated, just kind of being able to speak about it helps.  The good news is there aren’t any tumors or growths anywhere else, her leukemia is controlled too.  Friday she will have a biopsy of this “mass”, hoping and praying it isn’t a glioblastoma.  The neurosurgeon gave us a little hope that it could be a number of things, but hope is all i really have.  I’ll know by Tuesday when the biopsy comes back what it is we are dealing with, thanks again to anybody even just listening to me talk, I don’t have a whole lot of people to talk to.

I know what you're going through: I lost my mother about a year and a half ago. It is a long story, but she acquired a rare autoimmune blood disease called aplastic anemia not long before her 70th birthday. Although the disease caused her no real physical pain other than bruises and fatigue, it led to her death indirectly. Her first treatment didn't work, although it was 90% or that it would put her in remission for at least a year or several years (some people can be decades in remission and otherwise considered pretty much cured after the standard first-line treatment). Right before she was to decide on a second treatment, she had a brain bleed stroke. She was never the same again after that. While she made almost a complete recovery physically from the stroke, she was very left with chronic mental and emotional problems. The first year, she showed a few signs that she could be 60% or so of her old self, but in the second year, she started to slip away further and further into mental decay (they said she had no dementia). Almost 21 months after her stroke, she had a massive seizure, and she was hospitalized for a month. Her mind was slipping and slipping. Finally, they were going to release her, and she contracted hospital-induced sepsis, from which she died a few days later. In the end, it was the best thing because my mother was going to end up in a nursing home because my father and I could no longer care for her the way she was. We dreaded the thought of having to put her in a home.

Now, I know a little about leukemias because my mother had a non-cancerous blood disease, but still a blood disease nonetheless. What kind of leukemia does your mother have? CLL? AML? 

In the end, friend, you have to accept whatever is thrown at you. We don't have control like we think we do. You'll get through it all somehow. 

Let me know what your mother's status is with her brain mass. I know the agony of this all: I lost my mother twice - once in life, and once in death. So I do care about your situation, even though I'm just an internet stranger. 

I wish you peace.

[Josh1768]

On 10/3/2024 at 6:04 PM, Matthew48 said:

I know what you're going through: I lost my mother about a year and a half ago. It is a long story, but she acquired a rare autoimmune blood disease called aplastic anemia not long before her 70th birthday. Although the disease caused her no real physical pain other than bruises and fatigue, it led to her death indirectly. Her first treatment didn't work, although it was 90% or that it would put her in remission for at least a year or several years (some people can be decades in remission and otherwise considered pretty much cured after the standard first-line treatment). Right before she was to decide on a second treatment, she had a brain bleed stroke. She was never the same again after that. While she made almost a complete recovery physically from the stroke, she was very left with chronic mental and emotional problems. The first year, she showed a few signs that she could be 60% or so of her old self, but in the second year, she started to slip away further and further into mental decay (they said she had no dementia). Almost 21 months after her stroke, she had a massive seizure, and she was hospitalized for a month. Her mind was slipping and slipping. Finally, they were going to release her, and she contracted hospital-induced sepsis, from which she died a few days later. In the end, it was the best thing because my mother was going to end up in a nursing home because my father and I could no longer care for her the way she was. We dreaded the thought of having to put her in a home.

Now, I know a little about leukemias because my mother had a non-cancerous blood disease, but still a blood disease nonetheless. What kind of leukemia does your mother have? CLL? AML? 

In the end, friend, you have to accept whatever is thrown at you. We don't have control like we think we do. You'll get through it all somehow. 

Let me know what your mother's status is with her brain mass. I know the agony of this all: I lost my mother twice - once in life, and once in death. So I do care about your situation, even though I'm just an internet stranger. 

I wish you peace.

I’m really sorry to hear that, it is just grief before she is even gone.  I’m the oldest of 4 brothers, one with special needs, and I am not even sure I can keep it together.  She had a biopsy today, surgeon says 90% certain it is aggressive glioblastoma.  She has lost some of her sight, some of her short term memory; she keeps saying how much she will miss us and I might just break down.  I am writing this from her hospital bed, I haven’t slept in days, and sometimes internet strangers are the exact people to be able to relate to, so I thank you for your words and compassion.

[KayC]

I am so sorry to learn this news. 🙏

[Matthew48]

15 hours ago, Josh1768 said:

I’m really sorry to hear that, it is just grief before she is even gone.  I’m the oldest of 4 brothers, one with special needs, and I am not even sure I can keep it together.  She had a biopsy today, surgeon says 90% certain it is aggressive glioblastoma.  She has lost some of her sight, some of her short term memory; she keeps saying how much she will miss us and I might just break down.  I am writing this from her hospital bed, I haven’t slept in days, and sometimes internet strangers are the exact people to be able to relate to, so I thank you for your words and compassion.

I am with you in spirit, Josh! Please know this. I've been there, friend -- I know the confusion, shock, sadness, etc. My mother on her deathbed looked like someone I didn't even know.  I had no one but my father, who is almost 80 years-old. He was in shock and not much help to me at the time. My sister was living far away and couldn't get here -- plus she had a family responsibilities. My sister was also in shock and more or less "ran away" from the situation. We were all helpless. My mother's sisters and one brother were not at helpful, as they made everything about them, or just showed they didn't care at all. It was a nightmare. 

 If you need to talk to me, just send me a message on here. I am here for you. I know I'm just an internet stranger, but I a real human being who has gone through the same things as you. My father and I didn't sleep for almost an entire year, as we had to care for my mother all night long, as she paced around the house because of the effects of her stroke/anxiety. Then, when she was in the hospital, she would try to call us in the night, etc. We just worried and fretted,. I paced and paced the last week of her life. It was the most lonely and isolating experience I ever had. While my sister and father love me, they were too overwhelmed with their own grief to help me.

Let me know how you are, friend.

[Traz]

Dear Josh,

I'm so sorry to hear the news about your mom's diagnosis. As others have said, I can relate to the anticipatory grief. It's a very emotional and physically exhausting thing for a family to go through. Hospitals, although necessary can be anxiety inducing places. Also, as Matthew said, other family members may handle things differently and not be there in the way some think they should. It happened like that in my family.  Being the oldest of four brothers, you probably had the most responsibility, but I hope you can lean on your brothers for support. (I realize one has special needs however)

All you can do at this point is take each day as it comes. Say all the things you ever wanted to say to your mom and ask any questions you need to ask. I wish I had done more of that before my mom passed.

Take good care,

Traz