Providing emotional support for loved ones while grieving..

[Aarya]

Hi everyone ❤️ I know it has been a while since I last wrote, as it generally goes for me because I cycle through numbness/distraction/denial and then grief and facing my emotions. I haven't yet figured out how to change that, or if I even want to. My post today is about something that I'm struggling with, and don't really know who to talk to about this. 

Before Bobby died, I was always, without fail, the strong friend/family member, the "therapist" friend - and this didn't used to burden me. I loved being there for those that mean the most to me - it was how I showed love. It never felt expected of me and I rarely ever felt taken for granted. However, since the loss of my soulmate, I of course am no longer the same person and can no longer be and do what I could. My friends and family know and respect this, and have been very supportive and have no expectations of me. However, one of my closest friends suffers from major depressive disorder for over a decade. we are childhood friends, this is something they have struggled with for a very long time. They were also quite close friends with my partner and grieve him. 

My friend has suffered from s*icidal ideation multiple times (never attempted) and go into very depressive lows, which I have helped pulled them out of. They say to me that they don't want to  burden me or put anything on me especially because of what i've been through with loss, but then continue to talk and cry about how they're "tired of trying" and "can't do this anymore." They are also inconsistent with treatment, whether it is therapy or medication, but I know that this is also common of people with MDD. I personally don't think it's fair to talk to me about that because of the fact that I am grieving the death of my soulmate, and now I'm faced with the possibility that my close friend doesn't want to be here. But then I feel guilty because I know they have a mental illness, and that they are probably in excruciating emotional pain and don't know who else to talk to. I just don't know how to navigate this or feel about any of this. I feel detached, almost desensitized sometimes - like I don't know what to say or do when they come to me crying anymore.

My therapist says it's unfair to me, that it seems like an act of my friend to seek attention, and inappropriate to do so after I lost people. When I lost a past partner to suicide in 2021, this friend was triggered and on the same weekend indicated their suicidal ideation to me that I then had to navigate. When I lost my soulmate Bobby, a similar thing happened just a month after he passed away with my friend triggered into a depressive low and then expressing to me a desire to no longer live.

But I want to emphasize that this friend is there for me with my grief, has been an incredibly strong support system for me for years and is someone I value highly and I love dearly. I don't think that they have negative intentions. I just don't know how to deal with this. 

[KayC]

I totally disagree with your therapist's assumption!  Other people can have things going on at the same time as us, it doesn't mean they are attention seeking!  The fact that this has been something that has plagued her is showing of that.  However, that may or may not mean you have it within you right now to help her and she may not be able to help you, but knowing this gives you hope that the two of you can and will be there for each other so long as it doesn't weigh either of you down.

Share this with her: Befrienders Worldwide | Emotional support to prevent suicide worldwide

and this: International Association for Suicide Prevention (IASP) - Resources: Crisis Centers

Bless your heart. Right now you have to take care of yourself first, even while caring for your friend.

[Aarya]

Thank you for replying, KayC ❤️ I am doing my best to be there for her but I am upset that she feels its okay to talk to me about not wanting to live anymore. I feel like it's inconsiderate of my grief, knowing how losing my soulmate has destroyed me - and now I have to be faced with the fact that my close friend wants that for herself. I know it is a symptom of her depression and she probably can't help it - but i have to be honest i feel a little resentful that i'm the one that always ends up having to quiet down my grief in order to make space for her struggles. i'm 25, she'll be 30 this month. I'm so detached and desensitized honestly - which I feel guilty about but I just feel like it's selfish.. but maybe it's selfish of me to say this? I don't know what's right or wrong in this situation. But I'll be sure to share those resources with her - thank you ❤️ 

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Aarya said:

but maybe it's selfish of me to say this?

No, it is NOT selfish!  It's part of taking care of yourself!  It's okay to put boundaries on her.

[Bou]

On 10/1/2024 at 5:01 PM, Aarya said:

Hi everyone ❤️ I know it has been a while since I last wrote, as it generally goes for me because I cycle through numbness/distraction/denial and then grief and facing my emotions. I haven't yet figured out how to change that, or if I even want to. My post today is about something that I'm struggling with, and don't really know who to talk to about this. 

Before Bobby died, I was always, without fail, the strong friend/family member, the "therapist" friend - and this didn't used to burden me. I loved being there for those that mean the most to me - it was how I showed love. It never felt expected of me and I rarely ever felt taken for granted. However, since the loss of my soulmate, I of course am no longer the same person and can no longer be and do what I could. My friends and family know and respect this, and have been very supportive and have no expectations of me. However, one of my closest friends suffers from major depressive disorder for over a decade. we are childhood friends, this is something they have struggled with for a very long time. They were also quite close friends with my partner and grieve him. 

My friend has suffered from s*icidal ideation multiple times (never attempted) and go into very depressive lows, which I have helped pulled them out of. They say to me that they don't want to  burden me or put anything on me especially because of what i've been through with loss, but then continue to talk and cry about how they're "tired of trying" and "can't do this anymore." They are also inconsistent with treatment, whether it is therapy or medication, but I know that this is also common of people with MDD. I personally don't think it's fair to talk to me about that because of the fact that I am grieving the death of my soulmate, and now I'm faced with the possibility that my close friend doesn't want to be here. But then I feel guilty because I know they have a mental illness, and that they are probably in excruciating emotional pain and don't know who else to talk to. I just don't know how to navigate this or feel about any of this. I feel detached, almost desensitized sometimes - like I don't know what to say or do when they come to me crying anymore.

My therapist says it's unfair to me, that it seems like an act of my friend to seek attention, and inappropriate to do so after I lost people. When I lost a past partner to suicide in 2021, this friend was triggered and on the same weekend indicated their suicidal ideation to me that I then had to navigate. When I lost my soulmate Bobby, a similar thing happened just a month after he passed away with my friend triggered into a depressive low and then expressing to me a desire to no longer live.

But I want to emphasize that this friend is there for me with my grief, has been an incredibly strong support system for me for years and is someone I value highly and I love dearly. I don't think that they have negative intentions. I just don't know how to deal with this. 

Along with losing my husband.  I also had to navigate my daughters mental illness along with her grieving.  She has recently moved out and it was sudden and unexpected and left me an emotional wreck.  I also take on many other peoples life struggles in my line of work.  IT can be a lot!!!  Nami is a great source for helps.  Helps you deal with loved ones that  have mental illness.  Can be a friend, relative.  They have different support groups.  Look it up for your area and give it a go.  I don't agree with your therapist.  Your friend is dealing with her struggles.  I don't think she is looking to inconvenience you that is just where she is at.  Boundaries.....  give her the informations.  Be there as much as you can but also know its ok if you can't.  Look out for you.    Mental Illness is such a double sword.  I get you...feeling detached, and desensitized and then guilty because you feel that way.  Trying to navigate myself, the mental illness, my daughters grief of losing her father, the outsiders, the family.......it is overwhelming.  Baby steps, one minute at a time, one day at time and sometimes one hour at a time.....kind of.....fake it till you make it......kind of.  Then the rinse and repeat cycle.  There have been times I do whatever it takes just to get me through whatever I have to get through.  I may have to break it down, or ease up on myself, or do something nice for myself, or do something nice for someone else with no expectations in return other then it made me feel good to give.  I keep on keeping on because I don't want......I don't want ....I don't want to be stuck the rest of my life.  I at least want to try and give it my best effort.  

[RichS]

An old friend of mine passed away last June. He and his wife were married for 45 years. Since then I've tried to call her twice a week. She cries at some point every time we talk; so I've asked her if me calling is helping or not. She says she cries everyday, anyway so no, she wants me to continue to call. Luckily, she has been consulting with a grief counselor every two weeks (remotely), so it's good that she's getting professional help.