Giving up

[LMR]

Four years ago I signed up here. I would read the forum every day and post frequently. Others on a similar time frame were also frequent posters. This past year it seems the posts are getting fewer and fewer. Days go by with nothing. Is it because we are giving up? Giving up on the idea of finding peace. My counseling ended, reluctantly on my part but they limit you to 8 hours. Is this a case of, 'we've discussed everything there is to discuss, we know there are no answers, so that's it.   Bye, sort yourself out!'

I know that I won't get what I truly want but I still feel so lost. My counselor said that though I accept his death  "intellectually"  that I have not accepted it "emotionally". How do you do that? I cry for him every day even though I hide my pain from everyone else because they don't want to talk about it. As you all know, I'm supposed to be moving on!

[DWS]

2 hours ago, LMR said:

Is this a case of, 'we've discussed everything there is to discuss, we know there are no answers, so that's it.   Bye, sort yourself out!'

Sadly, that was the conclusion that I reached with my counselling sessions. My discussions were over the phone (my choice) and eventually I found that we were repeating a lot of same thoughts and themes. I needed my counselor to ease my heavy heart...which did help at the start...but she was only able to do so much. She was present there for me and gave full attention to my grief but eventually, it wasn't enough and started to actually get bothersome re-hashing everything. She was wise enough to know that she couldn't remove the grief because she had been through it herself when her husband died 15 years earlier. 

And there are no answers and that's what makes all of this so tortuous. All though my life, I would hear about so and so who lost their spouse or partner and they seemed to be miraculously engaging in life again. Poof! There they were living, laughing and doing things again. These people set the examples and to this day, I still ask "how?" How on earth did they continue on...as if the death was just some blip to get over? Was I attached too heavily to my partner? Is that why I'm not "better" yet? Did I love too much???

As far as accepting it emotionally, my thought is we don't have to. We know it happened. We're aware of all of that but as we do continue on, we become more aware and more surprised of what really is lost for us and that hits us constantly on an emotional level. For some people, they can see a "new day" but for so many others of us, we continually see and are constantly reminded of what's gone. My grief and loss is validated by the everyday of my life now and interestingly, I am eased by that. It takes the pressure off of me to be "okay" with all of this. I grieve because I love and this is something that I'm getting "okay" with.

[KayC]

I so agree with you @DWS

I will not accept it either. I know it's semantics but semantics matter. Like "moving on" I won't do that, I choose to say "move forward" instead.  I accept the reality that it happened, obviously I realize he's not here.  Do I like it?  Did I choose it?  Hell no to either!

[P777]

You know what I have been on (past tense) other forums and facebook groups, but none or as genuine as the people on this one. Sure there are maybe less posts, but I think its quality posting over quantity

I really like the fact that we can post here anonymously too. Without an ego attachment if you like.

Personally,  I know I will never be ready "move on", to another relationship. If I did say "yes, time to move on" (not that I would), it would be really like saying my Wife really wasnt the one for me in the first place. Believe it or not, I know people (offline) who are dating and "moving on", even after only a couple of years. Unbelievable.

Yes I agree, we move forward with our lives, but we never "get over" that our loves are not here with us.

We love them uncondionally.

 

 

[LMR]

Thankyou all for your replies. I think I was feeling a bit sorry for myself this morning. I can't imagine ever feeling truly ok ever again. I sometimes need to let it out.

I do know somebody who got remarried a year after his wife died. I still find that incredible.

[KayC]

Some people can't be alone, and a year into this, you're still in grief fog and not thinking clearly.

[WithoutHer]

6 hours ago, LMR said:

Thankyou all for your replies. I think I was feeling a bit sorry for myself this morning. I can't imagine ever feeling truly ok ever again. I sometimes need to let it out.

I do know somebody who got remarried a year after his wife died. I still find that incredible.

I think all of us have had that feeling one time or another. Some of us have people around us and some of us have no one. Those that do may still not have that needed ear however.

We come here to post our feelings and troubles to an audience we know understands. But when the last sentence is finished we don't have that conversational continuance that we truly desire. For me it always reminds me of the emptiness in my life when I hit submit reply. 

Reactions without words give recognition and understanding but do little to fulfill our deepest needs. And yet we don't treat this place as a social conversation board and don't expect it to fulfill the hole left beside us.

Virtual reality has become common place in many ways but I believe while it does provide us a needed outlet it also becomes a real world daily reminder of loneliness for many of us with no family or friends left in our world.

[widower2]

16 hours ago, LMR said:

Four years ago I signed up here. I would read the forum every day and post frequently. Others on a similar time frame were also frequent posters. This past year it seems the posts are getting fewer and fewer. Days go by with nothing. Is it because we are giving up?

Of course not. In my experience there are ebbs and flows, times of low activity and more as people pop in and out. People also get busy with other things. 

Quote

My counseling ended, reluctantly on my part but they limit you to 8 hours. Is this a case of, 'we've discussed everything there is to discuss, we know there are no answers, so that's it.   Bye, sort yourself out!'

Wow that sounds like some really crappy "counseling." I don't think you want to know what my response would have been to such people. But there are other avenues, other counselors, support groups, etc; I hope you keep trying. 

Quote

I know that I won't get what I truly want but I still feel so lost. My counselor said that though I accept his death  "intellectually"  that I have not accepted it "emotionally". How do you do that?

I can't speak to whether or not that's the case (counselors aren't always right) but while there's no pat answer of course, I think it's a combination of time, trying to stay busy, trying to find meaning in what you still have in your life (family, friends, career, faith, whatever). And of course "accepting" it doesn't mean you don't miss them any more or that familiar pain just goes away...but gradually it should diminish; the sharpness of that sting should fade somewhat. Certainly after 4 yrs. If you feel about the same now as you did 4 yrs ago, it sounds like you're stuck in what's called "complicated grief." You may want to consider (along with better counselors!) an anti-depressant med. It's not a cure-all of course, but can help.

Quote

I cry for him every day even though I hide my pain from everyone else because they don't want to talk about it. As you all know, I'm supposed to be moving on!

Big fat Bronx cheer to "moving on." Dumbest expression ever.

IMO you're not "supposed" to be doing anything other than deal with it as best you can. There are no set timelines or methods.  

 

[LMR]

@WithoutHer Coming here and finding nobody talking just makes the hole feel bigger. 

[LMR]

@widower2 My counselor was great but he works for an organization and they set the rules. He wasn't happy about them either so I don't blame him. Actually he's an unpaid volunteer. My final session with him was twice as long as the allotted time, in fact every session ran over and he was never worried about it. I was lucky to find somebody I could connect with. My previous attempts were not very successful.

[LMR]

My counselor and I were both aware that I shouldn't have moved away when I did but you can't control everything and I needed to be here. There are no memories here though, nowhere to go and sit and remember. Am I holding onto my grief because that is all I have?

[DWS]

4 hours ago, LMR said:

My counselor and I were both aware that I shouldn't have moved away when I did but you can't control everything and I needed to be here. There are no memories here though, nowhere to go and sit and remember. Am I holding onto my grief because that is all I have?

@LMR Yours is such a unique situation having moved across seas to take care of your sister. I've mentioned it in a previous thread how much more challenging this would be for you not having the familiarity of your home to give you comfort. It's just the weirdest thing to say but as painful as those constant physical reminders have been to my heart, eventually I embraced them....and yet on the other hand, being in the same place and city, I'm constantly seeing the familiar streets, stores and places that we frequented and those still stab at my heart. There is one particular area of my city that I still avoid because of all the memories there. But you're in a situation where you don't have any of this type of living environment toying with you. As I sit here typing this, I'm seeing the significance of all that we put our poor hearts through to cope with our loss. This must be the reason why some might choose to get away for a couple of weeks...just to be in a different environment to give their heart a break!

Because of my personal situation, I've reduced this all down to what I call a feeling of being settled in life vs being unsettled. I was 56 when Tom came into my life. Up until that point, I had had three previous important long term relationships but there always seemed something missing. It wasn't until I partnered with Tom that I realized what it was. I had finally met someone I felt totally comfortable and compatible with...I felt "settled". I didn't need to be any place else. This was it and it only lasted four years for me. Now I'm definitely "unsettled" again. It's a feeling as blatant as can be for me and I imagine it's a feeling that is very familiar to you as well and likely, for everyone else on this forum. Fortunately, I have my little house to help me get some of that "settled" feeling back. I miss that feeling so much.

Is there anything there that is available to you to help give you more comfort? I don't wish to get too intricate into your present day life but do you consider your sister's home your home now or do you see yourself eventually moving back to the States?  I imagine this is something that you started to discuss with your counselor. It's a discussion that I can see being important for you to continue. 

[DWS]

11 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

But when the last sentence is finished we don't have that conversational continuance that we truly desire. For me it always reminds me of the emptiness in my life when I hit submit reply. 

Wowzers.....that is so profound and so damn true. There is silence after I hit "submit".  No more clicking of the keys and my mind feels at rest for a bit.

[LMR]

Fortunately I have my little house to help me get some of that "settled" feeling back. I miss that feeling so much.

I miss that feeling too. I can't curl up on our bed and try to conjure the feel of his arms around me. I just doesn't work here.

Is there anything there that is available to you to help give you more comfort? I don't wish to get too intricate into your present day life but do you consider your sister's home your home now or do you see yourself eventually moving back to the States?  I imagine this is something that you started to discuss with your counselor. It's a discussion that I can see being important for you to continue. 

I don't see this house as my home at all. I still feel like a visitor. I have thought many times of going back to US but it just isn't practical right now.

[KayC]

I hope for your sake it's a dream you will realize, sooner rather than later.

[widower2]

 

19 hours ago, LMR said:

@widower2 My counselor was great but he works for an organization and they set the rules. He wasn't happy about them either so I don't blame him. Actually he's an unpaid volunteer. My final session with him was twice as long as the allotted time, in fact every session ran over and he was never worried about it. I was lucky to find somebody I could connect with. My previous attempts were not very successful.

ah thanks for clarification and pardon any offense; it sounded different initially...

 

19 hours ago, LMR said:

My counselor and I were both aware that I shouldn't have moved away when I did but you can't control everything and I needed to be here. There are no memories here though, nowhere to go and sit and remember. Am I holding onto my grief because that is all I have?

In the short term at least, can you try to make new memories? New friends, places, experiences, etc. And you still have many memories of better times in your mind and heart; nothing can take that away from you.

[LMR]

No offense taken. My fault for not making it clear. One of the problems of trying to keep it short or even trying to keep track of your thoughts. 

I'm trying but it's a struggle. I've never coped well in crowds so clubs become problematic, any group is usually too noisy for me.

My mind keeps wondering if my memories are real. I do have the photos to look at but that is the only validation. It often feels like a dream. Like neither of us ever existed.

[KayC]

It has been so long my husband's been gone now I sometimes wonder if I dreamed him up, did we really have a life together? At those times, I look at his birth certificate, our marriage certificate, his death certificate, his handwritten notes to me.  It helps to verify his existence, and of course there's photos that are up.  Then I think of our memories...

[DWS]

6 hours ago, LMR said:

My mind keeps wondering if my memories are real. I do have the photos to look at but that is the only validation. It often feels like a dream. Like neither of us ever existed.

That's a sentiment that I've read here quite a few times since being on this forum and it's something that I've done myself. It's a strange thing. I don't think any of us ever think that way of our deceased parents. We know they existed...no question about that! I wonder if it has something to do with the very intimate special place where we hold our persons in our hearts. It's like that corny saying they put on wedding invitations...two hearts become one. But what happens when it's so brutally severed? The heart keeps looking for its other half. That's likely the reason why I talk to my partner as though he's still here. It's my way of keeping him alive and the memories too.  

[LMR]

43 minutes ago, DWS said:

 It's a strange thing. I don't think any of us ever think that way of our deceased parents. We know they existed...no question about that!

That's a great observation, I had never thought about it but absolutely true.

 

45 minutes ago, DWS said:

...two hearts become one. But what happens when it's so brutally severed? The heart keeps looking for its other half.

I think that might be why I'm having such a hard time. If I'm still here then he must be too........somewhere. Explains why I want to go and search for him.

[WithoutHer]

On 10/1/2024 at 4:14 AM, LMR said:

@WithoutHer Coming here and finding nobody talking just makes the hole feel bigger. 

Exactly. I have reduced my visiting and posting time for that very reason. Getting reactions without conversation makes that hole feel even larger.

[RichS]

I don't know why, but for the past few days for some reason I've not been receiving any posts started here in my inbox (??).

WithoutHer:  Don't reduce your time here. Maybe all of us need to chime in a little more; even if we don't always relate to the topic of the thread started; which reminds me of a similar situation that happened in our family many years ago:

When  Chris lost her Mom, she often complained that she had trouble discussing her feelings with her Dad. After awhile he admitted that he didn't want to discuss it too much because he had no solutions to her feelings. After realizing that she finally said, "Dad, I don't expect you to have the solutions, just want you to listen to how I feel."

We often don't have the solutions on this board, either; but we're here to support one another. And that could mean so much to any of us on any given day..............

[WSE]

On 10/1/2024 at 4:29 AM, LMR said:

My counselor and I were both aware that I shouldn't have moved away when I did but you can't control everything and I needed to be here. There are no memories here though, nowhere to go and sit and remember. Am I holding onto my grief because that is all I have?

This is the first time a post has jumped from the screen. This is what I am advised to do- to leave and find new life. They don't understand that I feel lost in this familiar place, that a new surrounding would mean learning new directions, new everything with no memories seeing loved one sitting in favorite chair in the particular room. At the same time, there are memories everywhere, like a scene with no sound. I'm lost.
 

[KayC]

Yes, it takes time to adjust to life w/o them, but we don't recommend selling within the first year unless we absolutely have to, and even then, I'd extend that amount to five years, but that's me.

The memories that bring pain in the beginning brings comfort later, give it time.  In those early days/months/years, I bawled until my tear ducts dried up!  Music brought me pain but I forced myself to listen to it.  

This is an ever evolving journey.  I don't know of a way to escape the pain.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Bou]

On 9/30/2024 at 9:24 AM, DWS said:

Sadly, that was the conclusion that I reached with my counselling sessions. My discussions were over the phone (my choice) and eventually I found that we were repeating a lot of same thoughts and themes. I needed my counselor to ease my heavy heart...which did help at the start...but she was only able to do so much. She was present there for me and gave full attention to my grief but eventually, it wasn't enough and started to actually get bothersome re-hashing everything. She was wise enough to know that she couldn't remove the grief because she had been through it herself when her husband died 15 years earlier. 

And there are no answers and that's what makes all of this so tortuous. All though my life, I would hear about so and so who lost their spouse or partner and they seemed to be miraculously engaging in life again. Poof! There they were living, laughing and doing things again. These people set the examples and to this day, I still ask "how?" How on earth did they continue on...as if the death was just some blip to get over? Was I attached too heavily to my partner? Is that why I'm not "better" yet? Did I love too much???

As far as accepting it emotionally, my thought is we don't have to. We know it happened. We're aware of all of that but as we do continue on, we become more aware and more surprised of what really is lost for us and that hits us constantly on an emotional level. For some people, they can see a "new day" but for so many others of us, we continually see and are constantly reminded of what's gone. My grief and loss is validated by the everyday of my life now and interestingly, I am eased by that. It takes the pressure off of me to be "okay" with all of this. I grieve because I love and this is something that I'm getting "okay" with.

I suppose they are putting up a front just as we have to get through everything.  I know I had a week off and then I had to get back to work.  That meant dealing with clients and I couldn't be crying and a mess so I had to put on a brave face just to get through the day. I find myself taking three steps forwards and then a few steps back and it is because I loved so much. What a gift.  I was loved and loved someone else to care and have all these feelings that I have.   

I think with counseling and also with others you can only talk about it so much and then people don't want to hear it.  They do but they don't.  They care but they want to see us well.  We are all just human.  I am going to grieve till I am done and I may never be done and that is ok!  It is ok!  It is my emotions and feelings and being! F Off if my grief is bothering you.  At the same time I do want to feel better......maybe not better but more like myself and less vulnerable.  So many facets of feelings and emotions it is just exhausting.  I think key is to want......its ok to want....  I want him back.  I want to feel like myself.  I want to hold those memories forever.  Our wants need to be validated.  

Something that really helps me......and I hope it may help others is that my loved one would not want to see me go on for the rest of my life in a state of grief and depression.  He would want all good things for me just like he did when he was here.  I pick my chin up and at least give it a good try everyday for him.  

[Bou]

On 10/2/2024 at 4:34 PM, WithoutHer said:

Exactly. I have reduced my visiting and posting time for that very reason. Getting reactions without conversation makes that hole feel even larger.

I find I pop in and out for many reasons.  At first it was for answers and just being lost.  When I beyond sad I stop in.  When I feel like I might have something to offer others and that usually happens when I pop in because I need you all.  You all get me.  You all get the place I come from and am at.  We share a shitty bond.  It lifts my spirits a smidge to come here in complete upset ness to leave thinking maybe my words helped someone else who is feeling just as crumby as I am.  On good days I come to see what the regulars are up too and find conversations in the everyday everyday.  The loneliness is real and coming here helps.  Sometimes I reply sometimes I just read.  I miss the conversations.  Keep coming back because you never know who you are impacting.  We all need each other and its ok if it is everyday or once a week on once a month.  Do you and come when you can and participate when you can.  Its ok if we talk about grief and its ok if we talk about the everyday everyday.  I don't have excitement going on everyday so I might talk about the same thing repeatedly but that is where I am at. If something exciting is happening its great too to be able to share or not.  I am tired so hope this is making sense.  It does to me.....lol

12 hours ago, RichS said:

I don't know why, but for the past few days for some reason I've not been receiving any posts started here in my inbox (??).

WithoutHer:  Don't reduce your time here. Maybe all of us need to chime in a little more; even if we don't always relate to the topic of the thread started; which reminds me of a similar situation that happened in our family many years ago:

When  Chris lost her Mom, she often complained that she had trouble discussing her feelings with her Dad. After awhile he admitted that he didn't want to discuss it too much because he had no solutions to her feelings. After realizing that she finally said, "Dad, I don't expect you to have the solutions, just want you to listen to how I feel."

We often don't have the solutions on this board, either; but we're here to support one another. And that could mean so much to any of us on any given day..............

should have read down before replying.........you summed it all up so nicely.  I feel the same.  

I read and reply, read and reply.  I need to read more then reply.  I am afraid I will forget the key points.

[Bou]

10 hours ago, WSE said:

This is the first time a post has jumped from the screen. This is what I am advised to do- to leave and find new life. They don't understand that I feel lost in this familiar place, that a new surrounding would mean learning new directions, new everything with no memories seeing loved one sitting in favorite chair in the particular room. At the same time, there are memories everywhere, like a scene with no sound. I'm lost.
 

you need to do what is best for you.  I feel that stuck feeling you speak of as well.  stuck and lost.  I get you.     Doing what is best for you may be just to stay in the moment for a while.  You don't have to make any harsh changes until you are ready and that may be in a week or years or never.  Just use your short time that we are here on earth wisely.  We all do the best we can with what we have.  All the "they" mean well but ultimately you are in charge of you.  

[LMR]

16 hours ago, WSE said:

This is the first time a post has jumped from the screen. This is what I am advised to do- to leave and find new life. They don't understand that I feel lost in this familiar place, that a new surrounding would mean learning new directions, new everything with no memories seeing loved one sitting in favorite chair in the particular room. At the same time, there are memories everywhere, like a scene with no sound. I'm lost.
 

I too felt lost in a familiar place as many of us do. It's almost surreal to be there without our loved one. It isn't why I left though. I left because I had to but at the time I felt it would be ok. I was almost excited to be seeing my sister and nephews. It has taken more than a year for the emptyness from losing my familiar places and faces and memories to hit home. I had to come but I wish I had kept my home, ready to go back to as needed. Even though it would have been a financial burden. I can visit but it's expensive if you have to stay in a hotel!

Only you can decide but my advice would be to wait, at least a couple of years. One is definitely not long enough. If possible keep your options open

 

[LMR]

18 hours ago, RichS said:

 

We often don't have the solutions on this board, either; but we're here to support one another. And that could mean so much to any of us on any given day..............

Well put. I should chip in more too, especially on my good days.

[KayC]

21 hours ago, RichS said:

WithoutHer:  Don't reduce your time here. Maybe all of us need to chime in a little more; even if we don't always relate to the topic of the thread started; which reminds me of a similar situation that happened in our family many years ago:

Rich said so beautifully put what I wanted to say and didn't know how to put into words.  WithoutHer, we need each other all the more at those times.

[RichS]

5 hours ago, LMR said:

I too felt lost in a familiar place as many of us do. It's almost surreal to be there without our loved one.

I feel that way in our house every day. Everything looks the same, but feels different. It's tough to notice the joys around you when you're missing the one you love. And this causes you to miss the joy of those you still have in your life (friends, family, pets, nature, etc.). At least I know what my challenge it. Now I need to find ways to improve myself to recognize those things more.

[DWS]

22 hours ago, WSE said:

This is what I am advised to do- to leave and find new life. They don't understand that I feel lost in this familiar place, that a new surrounding would mean learning new directions, new everything with no memories seeing loved one sitting in favorite chair in the particular room. At the same time, there are memories everywhere, like a scene with no sound. I'm lost.

It's so tempting for many of us to run from those reminders that cause us pain...particularly in the early raw months. Even after more than two and a half years, I still choose not to sit on the couch where the two of us enjoyed our comfy tv evenings but at the same time, that piece of furniture holds such great importance to me. I think of it when it was against the other wall in the room when we first met and started getting to know each other better. The couch was our nightly hub and now stands as part of the monument and testament of the two of us as a couple in love who reveled in each other's company. As KayC wrote above, perhaps give things a bit more time. It's your heart in all of this that matters. Listen to it above what others may think might be better for you. I am so sorry for your loss.

[Roxeanne]

20 minutes ago, DWS said:

Even after more than two and a half years, I still choose not to sit on the couch where the two of us enjoyed our comfy tv evenings

I think all of us have some triggers like that....and don't disappear as time goes on! 

I'm often surprised by how the things remain the same...only him is not here! That is the cause of my sense of strangeness...it doesn't break me in two like the first times but it makes my heart stop for a moment...

[KayC]

Mine is I haven't slept in our bed, it was too painful, whereas I find comfort on the reclining sofa, where we sat cuddled up so many years ago, holding hands, reveling in our relationship.  Why one place brings pain and the other comfort? Who knows, such is grief.

[DWS]

48 minutes ago, KayC said:

where we sat cuddled up so many years ago, holding hands, reveling in our relationship.

Gosh...we did the same thing. I'm always reluctant to tell people that we sat on the couch and held hands because it sounds so mushy...but it was nothing that either one of us demanded....just something natural that happened from the get-go. I think of that all of the time and have wondered if there was something that told us that our togetherness would be short-lived although I think it was more that we were very content to have finally found each other in our later years. 

[KayC]

We got razzed by peopled sometimes, we never gave a rip.  What they wouldn't have given to have had what we had!

I'm glad you did too.