Nothing has ever broken my heart like losing my little kitten Bi

[tomStark]

Sorry for a long story, but it may help me a lot if I can confess to you...

My girlfriend is in the Netherlands, I am in Germany. She adopted a yellow cat, at first I didn't agree, partly because I was afraid of being a bother, and partly because I was afraid I couldn't take care of it, but she decided to keep it because she liked it so much, I named him Bi. After a few months, my girlfriend had to go on an internship far away, so she couldn't take care of it anymore, so I had to take care of him for a while. At first, I found it unreasonable because my rented room was very small, only 22 square meters, with a balcony, on the 5th floor, very high, I also worked for more than 8 hours, and didn't have much time and space for Bi...
Bi is a cat who always knows what he wants, he always scolds and meows at me every time I come home from work for a long time, wants to go out to the balcony to play, wants attention...

Many times I scolded him because he meowed too much, I couldn't stand it, but gradually I got used to it and pampered him, he also loved me and never destroyed anything, just wanted to go out and run around... which was right because his house was so cramped and boring. Every time I came home from work, I just fed him his favorite food and then buried my face in the computer. Every week I go to visit my girlfriend, leaving Bi at home for 2 days, I know it's wrong but I have no choice, once I opened the door for Bi to go out for 2 days, when I came back I saw him still in the house, his feet were dirty and infected, I don't know where he went, what he stepped on. And 2 weeks later I had to take him to get treatment, antibiotics and painkillers, he was very good, took the medicine and got healthy again very quickly, I was so happy, I have never taken care of an animal so well. He was very good, I called him and he came back right away. I thought everything was fine until....

Last Friday I came home, he was happy as usual, and this time he seemed very bored and wanted to go out right away, I knew, and I opened the balcony door, he ran out in a hurry, jumped up and spilled all the water on the house. I was so angry and scolded him, and then only let him out for 1 minute then I forced him back into the house. But how is that clear enough? He wanted to go out again, and he meowed loudly and long, making me just want to be quiet, I opened the door for him to go and buried my face in the computer as usual. He walked to the door, did not run away immediately, but stood in the middle of the door for a while, looking back at me slowly. I told him to go ahead, I allowed it, and I did not know that it was the last time I had him in my life....

That night I called him, but he did not come back, I thought he was upset with me and went away, because normally I only need to call him twice and he would come back. The next day I went looking for him but still could not find him, called until my voice was hoarse, rang the neighbor's bell but no one was home. Then the next night, I decided to use a shirt with my scent to lure the baby home, and coincidentally a neighbor came home from work, I asked permission to go into the backyard to call Bi back, maybe Bi knew I was looking for her so he showed me the way,.. And behind the 5-storey building next to my house, right at the foot of the wall, I was shocked and bewildered to see Bi's stiff body there.

I started to cry, I couldn't breathe.

In all the years of my life, I have never felt so empty and afraid of the truth as at that moment.

Bi's body had begun to smell, Bi's eyes were red, besides that there were no obvious injuries to her limbs, maybe she slipped and hit her head from the roof, right at the only part where there was no tree or balcony to stop her, if she had fallen just a few meters away, things might have been different.

I cried for several hours, then brought Bi's body back to bury in the backyard of a nearby house in despair. Now, there will be no one waiting for me to come home, no one will wake me up, scold me, or lie warmly beside me every night, every time I reach out, there will be no warm fur touching me anymore. Every object in the house is associated with his memories. And more than anything, his innocent and trusting eyes will make me regret for the rest of my life.

The past few days have been like hell, every few hours I cry, maybe Bi will forgive me in heaven, but I have not forgiven myself, every day I still have the feeling that he will come back like every time, and come to me every time I turn off the lights and fall asleep and I still have the feeling that he is waiting for me at home, I open the door, those eyes and those reproachful meows will always haunt me forever....

[KayC]

I am so sorry.  No other way to say it, what happened is horrible but not your fault.  Facts are not feelings they are just to contend with, but I also know I can't talk you out of feeling that way either.  In time I hope that will soften.  We often feel guilt when our pet dies because we feel it's our job to protect them but sometimes...we can't.
 

You can rest assured your kitty is at peace now...

The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died nearly 19 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.