My bf hung himself in front of me 8 hours ago

[Mandy2731]

He told me he was staying late at work to organize some stuff. I knew from the way he was texting that he had been drinking while he did so. He got home, we had dinner...Taco Tuesday. He picked a fight over a Batman cartoon and told me I needed to find somewhere else to live. I'm beyond confused at this point and just trying to de-esculate the situation. 

When he said he was going to kill himself I said "No you're not baby that's crazy" He responded "Now I'm going to do it for spite because you can't tell me what I can and can't do" He grabbed a leash chain and went into the garage. I followed, thinking he's drunk and having a moment (which has happened before) He put the chain over a beam and was fitting it to his neck. He's tall, he was just standing and for some reason I thought that meant it wouldn't work. I'm also still thinking he's not really gonna do this and defintely not IN FRONT OF ME

I remember saying "You're too tall and I'm calling the cops" and turned to get my phone in the house. But for some reason that I don't understand, I immediately turned back around, almost like I was pushed. His knees were bent and he was hanging. He didn't say a word. He wasn't struggling or fighting. He was just hanging. I tried to get him down but he was too heavy. I couldn't hold him up and loosen the noose at the same time. Absolutely hysterical I called 911. I don't know how long it took for the ambulance to get there but it felt like long enough that he wasn't coming back brain wise. When they took him they said he heart beat due to life saving measures. My parents came to take me to the hospital and then to their house. I grabbed a few things and left.

When I got to the hospital his parents were already there and as I walked up and got to the curtain partition his mom lunged at me like she was going to assault me. They took me back to the waiting room. His nurse was amazing and came to talk to me. They were running scans and really had no information. And his parents didn't want me there, obviously. She said she would do her best to update me if there's any changes etc. But will she? If he doesn't make it will I even know? I still have a lot of stuff at the house. I lived there. But with his parents pretty much acting like this was my fault somehow how do I get my things? Will they throw my belongings out?  And why do I feel guilty for even thinking about it. It seems so trivial but it's my stuff!

How can I be feeling all the feelings but still be numb? I know i'm still in shock. I'm exhausted but I'm afraid to go to sleep because I don't want to see his face. I'm haunted now. This will haunt me for the rest of my life. I also know I'll be ok. I don't know what ok looks like right now. I know the road to ok is  going to be a heartbreaking and gut wrenching one. But I'll be ok eventually. Haunted but ok

Thanks for reading/listening

-M

[KayC]

Yes it's the shock.  I am so sorry.  It seems unreal at first...

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.