I accidentally killed my Wendy yesterday

[SAD-FELLA7523]

I had no idea that I would be so distraught about the loss of my lovely Wendy who was my life companion and best friend.

She was only titchy and would easily fit on one of my knees. She had the spirit that seemed to be so much stronger than any other dog I have had or any other animal I have known. We went through some times together. She was a rescue dog and so nervous when she arrived. I helped her build her confidence and she cared for me whilst going through a long spell of mental illness. All my friends had vanished so it was me and Wendy 24/7. I had a little doggy backpack that she happily sat in when I went out running. She was so small she couldnt keep up. Only last week I bought her a new puffa jacket and a hot water bottle for under the mat in her backpack ready for winter. She hated the cold. It sounds silly but earlier I was worried that she`s all alone in some vets fridge freezing cold.

We were out on her morning walk yesterday and she picked up a big sized stick for her. Like an idiot I gave in and threw it for her. The 1st couple of times it even went through my mind wouldnt it be terrible if it landed on her. We were just about about to head home and she came up to me with her lovely eyes all sparkly and full of life, her tail wagging like crazy. Just one more throw. Is hard to even think about this let alone write it publicly. I threw the stick but at a weird down angle. I dont usually chuck sticks just in case and use a mini tennis ball.

It hit her either on the head or neck or maybe both. She let out a yelp. My blood felt as if it had turned to a freezing cold steel. She was lying there with her little legs stuck out rigidly and she couldt lift her head. My heart was beating so fast I thought I nwas going to have a heart attack. I remember thinking I CANNOT have a heart attack now. Wendy needs me. I scooped her up and knew immediately that this was a deadly serious probable grave injury.

I rang my vets and a taxi. My vets said they could not deal with emergencies and that I`d have to travel 40km too their ER equiped surgery.

With the traffic in our area I had to get her somewhere else fast. I waited for te taxi and Wendy was moving her legs and she still had life in her eyes. I was trying to soothe her as best as possible. I took her to a closer vets ER. On the way she had a bad fit. She poo`d herself.

After that fit I was sure she was dead. I felt from that moment she had departed. Her eyes were "away"

We got to the vets and she was rushedinto a room. The vet took me into another room and immediately started talkin about money, how I would pay, insurance etc. I had cancelled my insurance after I had tried to claim and they denied it because of "pre-exsisting conditions" These conditions were a slippy knee cap and going off her food from time to time. She`d had a terrible abusive past.

The insurance then hiked up my premium and the excess to a point where I just could not afford it. I had not made any successful claims on my insurance but was told that becaus I had "tried" to make a claim then it would cost more. I was still trying to work this out and was searching for a better insurance company.

The vets gave me a plan of what tyhey would do for her. I asked them Do you even know if she could recover from this?? If she was suffering and presented with a lengthy treatment plan, away from her Dad AND its was unlikely she would even survive I would consider euthanasia. If it was kinder. The vets could noit answer. I asked if she was conscious. The vets were unsure. 

I had to make a choice so went to see her. She looked as if she had gone and was only going through the motions. I hispered in her ear, nop response.

I decided very sadly to put Wendy to sleep. The vets aggain asked me about money. I said I didnt even know how much this would cost. It was only 20 minutes since arriving and I felt I couldnt deal with money. I had to think of Wendy.

I told them I would get the money together somehow. I was denied credit as I am off sick. The Vet told me that I could pay what I could for her euthanazia then any remaining balance would be referred to their debt collection agency. This was all happeneing so fast. 

I had to keep my mind on Wendy`s welfare.

Wendy officially left me at 12:44 pm. She will be cremated.

I managed to scrape the huge bill amount up together and paid it in full.

 

I feel soterribly bad about what I did to her. I am sat at home and every single tiny part of my flat reminds me of her. The pain comes in waves and seems to intensify as time goes by. Silloy things like her water bowl. I looked at it earlier and automatically thought I needed to change the water. 

I do not expect a reply. I just needed to try and purge myself of these awful feeling of loss, guilt and longing.

 

I am so sorry if any of you are goiung through the ame thing. I never thought it could be so bad. I feel guilty that I feel worse about my Wendy than I did  when my best friend died last year.  We wer so close. Sometimes I felt that we were just inches away from being able to talk to each other lol. We had a none verbal language. I love you my little stinky. 

 

[KayC]

I am so sorry.  What happened is a terrible tragedy, in part because vets are no longer in the business to be James Harriot and are as money oriented as our doctors are.  It's horrible that you are grieving instead of cuddling this little fellow.  My heart goes out to you.

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

[SAD-FELLA7523]

Thank You KayC. Cant stop thinking about her. Earlier I was distracted for a short while then remembered all of a sudden. It was a jolt. I have found that writing this helps a bit.

It seems so crazy that such a strong force of nature can be extinguished just like that. It was my fault too. Poor Wendy.. I`m so so sorry. I was your protector and I failed.  xx

I spoke to a friend who used to work as a vet in the UK earlier. She now works with wild animals. I told her about Wendy`s suspected injuries and she told me that she was pretty certain Wendy was not in pain and chances are she was unaware of what was going on. I hope that this is the case and not me trying to kid myself and somehow try and escape the guilt. 

Yes you are quite right about Vets and the Greed `O`Gold. I remember All Creatures Great and Small. Loved that series.

This vet I went to is reknown for being purely money orientated and a bit brutal. I checked their reviews earlier. There were loads of negative reviews along those lines. They were Wendy`s 1st vet which sparked off my problems with insurance. I sometimes wonder if some big practices are in cahoots with the insurance companies. 

I do believe that owners should take responsibilty for pets. There are so many people who get a pet without thinking about the full weight of responsibilty. However like my own, circumstancies can change very quickly. When I 1st got Wendy I was in a good job and finantially comfortable. I could not have envisaged things changing for me so drastically.

 

Have a nice evening. 

[KayC]

Praying for you 🙏 

[James Turner]

Praying for you I feel your pain. I accidentally killed my brand new kitten the other day. I’m still having PTSD from it really badly and panic attacks, it’s been super emotional. But took my cat with me to my room to get a shower and I sat on my bed for a moment before getting in the shower, and my kitten had gotten laid up under the quilt that hand way off my bed. I got up and stepped on her going to the shower and immediately realized what I had done, in a panic I rushed to try and take her to the vet but before I could even get out the door I realized she wasn’t moving so I basically was the cause for my cat dying and then had to watch her suffer and it was absolutely horrible. I’ve been seeking community because I’ve been suffering from major ptsd because of it I’m glad I came across this forum. Hopefully it will help with coping 

[SAD-FELLA7523]

Very sorry to hear this. I know exactly how you feel. We all get over these things in a different way. Adding self blame to the mix is not going to help you as I discovered myself. Guilt is an emotion that is essential to us for many reasons. One of those reasons is so we learn from our mistakes and change future behaviour to avoid it happening again. In your case it was a freak accident. There is nothing you can learn from overly repeatedly dwelling on the event. I found myself feeling guilty trying NOT to feel guilty. As if the pain from the guilt was a penance or something for what I did to her. I have been awake for the last 36 odd hours killing myself with guilt. Now I have to move on. 

I learnt in my case that yes I should have felt a certain amount of guilt because I was careless. It wasnt deliberate in any way. Wendy was my 5th doggy. The other 4 lived out happy and safe lives. My mistake was throwing sticks. If I ever get another dog I will never throw a stick again no matter how much that dog enjoys them. 

 

I really hope things get easier for you asap.