My father just died and the pain is unbearable

[jasonrevall]

I can't handle the pain from losing him. He was always there for me and now he's gone so it feels like something is always missing. My fears and anxieties are overwhelming now that I can't just depend on dad to help me with them when it gets bad. I now understand how people can die from grieving. This is the worst pain I've ever felt in my life and it never stops. I'm perpetually exhausted but can't sleep. My whole body hurts from the pain except sometimes I can't feel my hands and arms. Nothing matters anymore and the pain feels like it's going to kill me. I don't know what to do.

[KayC]

It  does feel like that in the beginning, but this is an evolving journey...

[lukej42]

1 hour ago, jasonrevall said:

I can't handle the pain from losing him. He was always there for me and now he's gone so it feels like something is always missing. My fears and anxieties are overwhelming now that I can't just depend on dad to help me with them when it gets bad. I now understand how people can die from grieving. This is the worst pain I've ever felt in my life and it never stops. I'm perpetually exhausted but can't sleep. My whole body hurts from the pain except sometimes I can't feel my hands and arms. Nothing matters anymore and the pain feels like it's going to kill me. I don't know what to do.

I'm so sorry to hear how deeply you're hurting right now. It’s clear that your dad meant the world to you, and losing that support feels like losing a part of yourself. It’s completely understandable to feel overwhelmed—grief can be so consuming and isolating.

Please remember that it’s okay to feel this way. You’re not alone in this, even if it feels like it. It might help to talk to someone about what you’re going through, whether it’s a friend, family member, or a professional. They can help you navigate through the pain and find a way to cope.

Try to take things one moment at a time. Small steps can help—maybe writing down your feelings, finding a comforting routine, or simply allowing yourself to rest when you need it. It’s okay to seek comfort in memories of your dad, too. He wouldn’t want you to carry this burden alone.

You deserve support as you move through this. Please take care of yourself and reach out for help when you need it.

[Matthew48]

3 hours ago, jasonrevall said:

I can't handle the pain from losing him. He was always there for me and now he's gone so it feels like something is always missing. My fears and anxieties are overwhelming now that I can't just depend on dad to help me with them when it gets bad. I now understand how people can die from grieving. This is the worst pain I've ever felt in my life and it never stops. I'm perpetually exhausted but can't sleep. My whole body hurts from the pain except sometimes I can't feel my hands and arms. Nothing matters anymore and the pain feels like it's going to kill me. I don't know what to do.

Things will improve over time. I felt like this, too, after my mother died a little over a year ago. I still have deep bouts of sadness that pour over me, but I am completely functional now with some good days. 

I know you're pain. But this pain will be felt by just about every body. Death is a part of life, and no one get out of it. 

Take care of yourself. Don't run from your pain -- but don't immerse yourself in it 24/7 (distract yourself as much as you can...I know how hard it is).

You will get through this somehow...it's just a long journey.

It's a beautiful thing how you and your father loved each other. That love will never die. Take in deep breathes and say, "I will get through this".  You are much stronger than you ever realized, despite all the horrible pain and feelings of loss.

Stay in touch on here.

You must grieve and cry it out, friend. Grief is a journey -- not a destination.

Take good care,

Matthew

[chris R]

On 9/20/2024 at 5:56 PM, jasonrevall said:

I can't handle the pain from losing him. He was always there for me and now he's gone so it feels like something is always missing. My fears and anxieties are overwhelming now that I can't just depend on dad to help me with them when it gets bad. I now understand how people can die from grieving. This is the worst pain I've ever felt in my life and it never stops. I'm perpetually exhausted but can't sleep. My whole body hurts from the pain except sometimes I can't feel my hands and arms. Nothing matters anymore and the pain feels like it's going to kill me. I don't know what to do.

I have the exact feelings as Jason. I am 62 and my mother died 5 years ago. Now my father, 95, is developing dementia and has so many physical ailments. He will not be around much longer. I already feel depressed and lost. My father was always there for me. I already feel like an orphan.

I feel I can't speak to anyone about this. I'm  62, and my father has lived a long life and I have had him around longer than many children. I need to accept it, but I can't avoid my grief.
 

[KayC]

I am so sorry.  I lost my older sister to dementia 2 1/2 years ago, I was her caregiver.  It's the hardest thing to go through, I lost my mom to it ten years ago.  Prayers and wishes go with you.

[Matthew48]

2 hours ago, chris R said:

I have the exact feelings as Jason. I am 62 and my mother died 5 years ago. Now my father, 95, is developing dementia and has so many physical ailments. He will not be around much longer. I already feel depressed and lost. My father was always there for me. I already feel like an orphan.

I feel I can't speak to anyone about this. I'm  62, and my father has lived a long life and I have had him around longer than many children. I need to accept it, but I can't avoid my grief.
 

I understand your situation. My mother died almost a year and a half ago. She was in her early 70s.  After her brain bleed stroke, she was never the same again. Even though certain aspects of her stayed the same, she was no longer overall the person I knew all of my life. When people get dementia/strokes/brain injuries, we lost them once in life, and then once in death. So,  when you say you don't have your father anymore, I know EXACTLY what you mean. Even though he lived 20 years or so older than my mother, it's all the same: the fact that's very old doesn't make your pain any less. Yes, it's true that he's lived a very long life and that you've had him longer than most adult children, your pain is not any less for it.

My father will be 80 in two years. Dad's always been my rock, but someday, he won't be there. But, this happens to everybody -- we always have to remind ourselves of this. Nobody gets out of death, nor do we get out of losing those we cherish (especially our parents, etc,).

My mother was my biggest defender, and she'd brag about me non-stop to others. But my father is like the "foundation of my house", if that makes any sense.

I wish you peace and comfort. I know your pain.

[Matthew48]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

I am so sorry.  I lost my older sister to dementia 2 1/2 years ago, I was her caregiver.  It's the hardest thing to go through, I lost my mom to it ten years ago.  Prayers and wishes go with you.

Well, you know all about caretaking and dementia -- god love you!

I almost lost my mind taking care of my mother 24/7. Without my older father helping me, I would have cracked up. Dad always says that if we hadn't had each other, my mother would have ended up in a home (she's was unreal to take care of).

Although my mother didn't have dementia, the stroke damage and her past mental history (super high-strung) made her very mentally ill. How she was after the stroke almost takes my breathe away. She was like a child you had to attend to every minute, even though she was cognitively normal (sharp memory, read well,  witty, etc.). But, emotionally, she was long gone. She had some okay moments/days (no real good days), but normally she'd being to the bathroom 100 times a day, forcing my father to take her, even though she could go herself with no issues. She'd argue for no reason; she cared about nothing, even though she told her loved ones how much she loved them....  Sometimes she could put a good face on for strangers and other family members, but towards the end that was getting too hard for her to do (no longer had the will). 

I'll just end with this: my mother was a shell of a person after her stroke, particularly in the second year. She wasn't "there" with us anymore -- she was already gone.

[KayC]

My mother was mentally off since a child and highly abusive, I got it the worst. I stuck with her to the end but my kids got ripped out of having a decent grandmother, I was very close to my MIL and took care of her when she was bedridden with cancer nearly 3 years when the kids were little.

Life is hard sometimes!

My mom's mental illness was so bad that it was hard to tell when her dementia started, but it took us kids a year to take her to court to get a court ordered evaluation!  The court ruled she needed immediate lockdown but it took a few months to get it. We were all too afraid she'd kill our dogs and we still worked so that wasn't feasible.  When she finally got into Sierra Oaks, the relief was immediate as they treated her for her lifelong paranoia and that helped tremendously!  She had nearly every personality disorder except Bipolar...she had no ups.

My heart goes out to you, I know what you suffered.  Us kids were each other's biggest supports.

[Matthew48]

On 9/27/2024 at 6:03 PM, KayC said:

My mother was mentally off since a child and highly abusive, I got it the worst. I stuck with her to the end but my kids got ripped out of having a decent grandmother, I was very close to my MIL and took care of her when she was bedridden with cancer nearly 3 years when the kids were little.

Life is hard sometimes!

My mom's mental illness was so bad that it was hard to tell when her dementia started, but it took us kids a year to take her to court to get a court ordered evaluation!  The court ruled she needed immediate lockdown but it took a few months to get it. We were all too afraid she'd kill our dogs and we still worked so that wasn't feasible.  When she finally got into Sierra Oaks, the relief was immediate as they treated her for her lifelong paranoia and that helped tremendously!  She had nearly every personality disorder except Bipolar...she had no ups.

My heart goes out to you, I know what you suffered.  Us kids were each other's biggest supports.

Wow -- I would say your mother was very mentally ill if you couldn't even establish when she started getting dementia. It's sad to hear that you suffered such abuse from your own mother (I know a few people who had abusive mothers and fathers). Thank god you had siblings, though.  You wonder how you get through life with a parent like that. 

My sister has been there for me. We share a common upbringing and history. Sibling relationships are quite different than the parent-child relationship. There are a lot of siblings who are not close as adults, but some are. I don't know what I'd do without my sister. While she can never be my mother, she is a dear sister. And she fulfills a role that my parents could never serve. It's the same with my father: the relationship I have with him is very different than the one I had with my mother. 

I know that my father and sister can leave me at any moment. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. I have no children or spouse, so they're all I have. I do have 2 nieces that I love dearly, but they're not my father and sister, or my mother.  Every relationship is unique. It bothers me at times that my biggest defender and the person who worried about me 24/7 is no longer around; the person who always made sure I was wearing the right coat  when I went outside in the cold (even as an adult). But, that's how life is. We lose those we love over time. Just like my father and sister are better listeners when I have a problem than my mother was. If they die before me, I will lose that, too. 

My sister is my historical companion, my father is my foundation, and my mother was my protector.

I just cherish what I have left --- that's all you can do. We'll all be gone by some point. Time flies. 

[KayC]

It sure does! I am 72, been living alone for 19+ years and I remember when I was young as though it were yesterday, rarely hear from my kids, rarely hear from my living sisters or brother either, I was closest to Peggy and she died 2 1/2 years ago, my BIL was closer than a brother and he's been gone 4 years now.

Cherish the relationships you have so long as you have them!  I don't know what I'd do w/o my dog.  He is my world. When my husband died I knew I'd likely live 40 years w/o him, I'm halfway there.

[Matthew48]

22 hours ago, KayC said:

It sure does! I am 72, been living alone for 19+ years and I remember when I was young as though it were yesterday, rarely hear from my kids, rarely hear from my living sisters or brother either, I was closest to Peggy and she died 2 1/2 years ago, my BIL was closer than a brother and he's been gone 4 years now.

Cherish the relationships you have so long as you have them!  I don't know what I'd do w/o my dog.  He is my world. When my husband died I knew I'd likely live 40 years w/o him, I'm halfway there.

It's pretty lonely for us. I have my father and sister, but all extended family stopped bothering with us since my mother is no longer around.  My father's one sister visits us from time to time, but that's about it. Even our one neighbor stopped bothering us after all these years, because it was mother that they liked (LOL -- not Dad and me).

Cherish your pet and your quiet time alone. With family comes family drama. My Dad and I like the peace and quiet -- it's our greatest comfort.

[KayC]

My sisters were always each other's biggest support being as my parents were horribly dysfunctional, but I feel since my last sister died it's dried up.

[jasonrevall]

Knowing others know the same pain and also care about my suffering has helped. I've been working through the grief, cleaning my house and keeping busy. I know now I'll get through it. Thank you all so much for your help.

[Matthew48]

13 hours ago, jasonrevall said:

Knowing others know the same pain and also care about my suffering has helped. I've been working through the grief, cleaning my house and keeping busy. I know now I'll get through it. Thank you all so much for your help.

Yes, you will get through it. There is no timeline. You go one day at a day. 

I'm in the second year of grief and still in a lot of pain. 

People have been living through the pain of grief since time immemorial. It's a natural part of life, especially losing your parents and older siblings and spouses, particularly as you age).

No, you're not alone, friend. There are days where you don't even know how you got through it all --- but you did! 

I wish you much peace and healing in your grief journey,

🙏

[Matthew48]

22 hours ago, KayC said:

My sisters were always each other's biggest support being as my parents were horribly dysfunctional, but I feel since my last sister died it's dried up.

My father had his faults for sure, but he wasn't what I would consider a dysfunctional parent. Sure, he did a few things wrong with me and my sister, but that's expected, as no one is perfect (how many time do we say that in life??? lol). On the other hand, it was mother that I realized had more dysfunction as my sister and I got older.  She was mildly dysfunctional, as she was super high-strung with super high anxiety. When she got into her 60s, she became closer to moderately dysfunctional. I am not judging her, but the signs were all there.  She was never aware of her dysfunctional side.

[JillianH]

I lost my dad last Friday, he had a heart attack and was in hospital for a week before it happened. I am in total shock and totally devastated. I live at the other end of the country and have brought my elderly mother down with me until the formalities are sorted. I feel like I am going through every emotion and also trying to manage and get through the admin side. I have two young children. I am feeling very overwhelmed by it all

 

[KayC]

I am so sorry, I was in my 20s when I lost my dad, pregnant with his first grandchild.  My mom was mentally incompetent so I understand, she lived another 33 years, it was tough.
Parent Loss: Continuing Their Song

[Traz]

On 9/20/2024 at 12:56 PM, jasonrevall said:

I can't handle the pain from losing him. He was always there for me and now he's gone so it feels like something is always missing. My fears and anxieties are overwhelming now that I can't just depend on dad to help me with them when it gets bad. I now understand how people can die from grieving. This is the worst pain I've ever felt in my life and it never stops. I'm perpetually exhausted but can't sleep. My whole body hurts from the pain except sometimes I can't feel my hands and arms. Nothing matters anymore and the pain feels like it's going to kill me. I don't know what to do.

Dear jasonrevall,

The acute stages of grief are truly  agonizing. That's the only word that comes to my mind for a loss this great.  I feel so much for what you are going through and many, many people here have been where you are right now.

Please know that there is hope and help in this community and likely within your own city, wherever that may be. You don't have to do this alone. Perhaps you might reach out to a grief support group or a grief counselor when things are really feeling tough. 

It sounds like you had a great relationship with your Dad and that you could count on him when you needed him. That is a wonderful gift. But I understand the fear in not having that now and it's a tremendous emotional challenge to go through. Please give yourself time to come to terms with your loss - it's a life-changing event that takes months, even years to process. The grief becomes something we are able to bear over time. That doesn't mean getting 'over' it or that we won't always miss them. I feel grief is a necessary process and expressing pain can help you move forward. Baby steps. 

Thinking of you,

Traz