Grief and the introvert

[DWS]

In a search for how we introverts and semi-introverted types manage our days without our spouses and partners, I stumbled upon this thoughtfully written piece... https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/widows-walk/202302/a-widowed-introvert-and-the-socialsolitude-balance

The writer, Sophia Dembling, has some interesting points of view. This one, in particular, resonates..."In the past, stepping away from the hubbub of social life usually meant retreating to my home where I would be alone with Tom, which was like value-added solitude. Recharging with Tom, who was also a quiet type, was easy". That value-added solitude is definitely what's missing now.

And this one is me without a doubt..."Being with Tom was effortless, being with others is more performative. I must be 'on' which can be tiring".  Man, I miss him. 

I did find it interesting where Sophia writes that, instead of isolating for long, she felt the need to be more social and as she says, she found a gift in her grief by embracing those still in her life. My situation has been different than that but it's interesting nonetheless. She used a common expression that I haven't heard before..."You can’t heal what you don’t feel”. So very true.

Any thoughts from other introverts and non-introverts about what she's written? I see that Sophia has written a couple of books on the introvert's life.

 

[KayC]

I am also an introvert...particularly in situations I can't control.  I retreat more than is healthy, I'm sure, but people so often disappoint me...

[Gail 8588]

I find trying to be social exhausting.   I am not good at it.  However, being alone all the time is depressing. 

How I miss the easy comfortable companionship of my hubby. 

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

19 hours ago, DWS said:

I did find it interesting where Sophia writes that, instead of isolating for long, she felt the need to be more social and as she says, she found a gift in her grief by embracing those still in her life.

I think that is where I am at right now.  Veronica would be telling me to go see what our friends are up to and “let her know” as it were.  I think this idea of embracing the people in our life is very important in that, while we may feel some people pulling away and continuing their lives, I think it might be a two-way street.  I feel it is necessary for me to keep in touch with those special friends who check on me, and I check on them.  There are people who have drifted away, but I feel like I let them drift away because they were not particularly close, even though we enjoyed their company in the past.  So, I embrace the few special people in my life and seek their company when possible.  

[KayC]

7 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I find trying to be social exhausting.   I am not good at it.  However, being alone all the time is depressing. 

How I miss the easy comfortable companionship of my hubby. 

This could have been written by me!

[WithoutHer]

16 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I find trying to be social exhausting.   I am not good at it.  However, being alone all the time is depressing. 

How I miss the easy comfortable companionship of my hubby. 

I feel the same way. Vickie and I were comfortable being alone together. If I had gone first I know it would have been as hard on her as it is me however I also know she had a family to go back to and wouldn't be alone as I am. My perfect companion is gone and being alone is difficult to do.

[DWS]

On 9/18/2024 at 9:52 AM, KayC said:

I retreat more than is healthy, I'm sure, but people so often disappoint me...

Yes and I've found it's become more amplified now which is a really tricky thing to deal with. It becomes a question of whether I continue staying in my private world of emptiness and isolation which does have its comforts or if I make small ventures from it and risk being disappointed. In my case, I think it's a need to eventually find a balance of both. Unfortunately, the disappointment and feelings of being uninspired can sting a lot and make me run back to my quiet place of comfort.

And it's a totally unfair situation to those outside my private world. To those who haven't experienced full-on debilitating grief, they don't understand that state of mind so it's not their fault for not meeting what my broken heart needs for relief. This really becomes an "it's me not you" thing! My loss...my pain...my continual emptiness. I carry that with me in those times when I venture out to meet a few people for an innocent, simple coffee.

[Bou]

On 9/19/2024 at 12:51 AM, Gail 8588 said:

I find trying to be social exhausting.   I am not good at it.  However, being alone all the time is depressing. 

How I miss the easy comfortable companionship of my hubby. 

wow I could have wrote this as well.  

You wouldn't know it so much esp the older I get but I too am an introvert.  I always have been.  Terribly shy as a child.  I have had to come out of my shell even more because I am the person to get stuff done now.  I have been forced out of my shell.  

[LMR]

I too am more inclined to be an introvert but my husband brought out another side of me. With him by my side I could do anything. Funny that he used to say I was the bravest person he knew, definitely an exaggeration but he made it all so easy.

Now I find I am full of anxiety, a bit OCD even having to go back and check I've locked up when I'm already at the end of the street! Worrying about everything and everyone.

 

[DWS]

7 hours ago, LMR said:

I too am more inclined to be an introvert but my husband brought out another side of me. With him by my side I could do anything.

That sure sounds like me too. I'm more inclined to call myself a semi-introvert. My partner Tom was more of an extrovert as far as liking to socialize and talk to strangers although interestingly, he was also a quiet and reserved type like me. This type of combination worked nicely because we both felt comfortable with each other and when we were out in public, we tended to become empowered to speak up for each other. There was this one time when we were standing in line at the store and he overheard the young couple behind us talking about their wedding preparations and their need to find someone to print various items so Tom turned around and told them of my print services. I then handed them my card and ended up getting their order. If I'd been there alone and overheard them, I most likely would have kept to myself. 

[RichS]

On 9/20/2024 at 9:13 AM, DWS said:

And it's a totally unfair situation to those outside my private world. To those who haven't experienced full-on debilitating grief, they don't understand that state of mind so it's not their fault for not meeting what my broken heart needs for relief. This really becomes an "it's me not you" thing! My loss...my pain...my continual emptiness. I carry that with me in those times when I venture out to meet a few people

I've adjusted my expectations when I venture outside of my home (which is almost every day------------Ross keeps me on my toes not to spend the whole day at home). For friends who know me, yes it's easier to discuss your feelings. Even then, I try to limit myself. For acquaintances, it's almost never discussed. The folks who I can really talk to about grief are the ones who've experienced it themselves.

Many years ago my psychologist friend said I was an "INTROVERTED EXTROVERT." Said that I was a private person. Outgoing yes, but private............and on any given day I can be both; depending on what's going on that day.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

23 hours ago, RichS said:

I was an "INTROVERTED EXTROVERT." Said that I was a private person. Outgoing yes, but private............and on any given day I can be both; depending on what's going on that day.

I think I know what you mean and what you say may apply to me.  I am generally pretty reserved, but can be outgoing in the right environment, like certain friends who understand what I am going through.  

[KayC]

I used to be more outgoing but I had a major event change 24-26 years ago, my kids' dad and I divorced...he got the church, our $ and friends, I got the kids.  He yapped all over town about me and I withdrew.  That is when I became introverted.  These people were a major part of my life and I literally did everything for that church!  Overnight I'm outcast.  I remember giving my son my master key to return to the church and he said it wouldn't be necessary. I, thinking he didn't know what a master key was, explained to him that it goes to every lock there is.  He said, "Mom, they've changed all the locks."  What?!  for ME???  I counted $ there for 9 years, I was the church sec. for two years, and treasurer!  I knew the combination to the safe! I taught sun. school at every age level, including one on prayer that had three pastors in it! I did prison ministry. I was on the Praise Team and choir. I put on VBS with no budget!  I was missionary president for countless years, was in charge of the service once a month.  The list goes on and on.  And I'm out, just like that. Because their father got a divorce. He paid the elec. bill through April and not again, we didn't divorce until August, he took my last monthly pay check and our savings (we'd saved to buy our son a pickup) so Paul never got his pickup. He didn't know this. So much the kids didn't know.  Dr. Phil said let the issues stay between the adults, don't involve the kids, so I didn't.

I have never been as outgoing since.  It got worse. My best friend turned on me. My neighbor called and said she'd wished my husband had stayed and I had left. I replied (on the phone at work), "Can we talk about this AFTER I get home from work."  Wasn't a question, was a statement.  My boss' sister spread rumors about me.  It was a very dark time in my life. Come labor day my son said "Mom, are you going to try another church?" That Sunday I went to the Baptist Church, have been there ever since.  No one asked questions, no one talked about me, I sat with tears pouring down my face, the people just loved me...they invited me to be part of the Praise Team. The pastor and his wife took me out to dinner after church.  It was a place of healing and acceptance, just what I needed.  I became Treasurer taught a class on prayer.  They made me a deaconess in due time.  But I never got as involved as I had been.  

My life is private, I stay to myself more.  

[RichS]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

These people were a major part of my life and I literally did everything for that church!  Overnight I'm outcast.  I remember giving my son my master key to return to the church and he said it wouldn't be necessary. I, thinking he didn't know what a master key was, explained to him that it goes to every lock there is.  He said, "Mom, they've changed all the locks."  What?!  for ME???  I counted $ there for 9 years, I was the church sec. for two years, and treasurer!  I knew the combination to the safe! I taught sun. school at every age level, including one on prayer that had three pastors in it! I did prison ministry. I was on the Praise Team and choir. I put on VBS with no budget!  I was missionary president for countless years, was in charge of the service once a month.  The list goes on and on.  And I'm out, just like that.

I may get bumped into another forum for this (so be it), but over the past couple of years my focus has been on how "THE MAN UPSTAIRS" judges me and not how others may judge me. In the end HIS opinion is all that matters. Like all of us, I have been misjudged and disliked by some people over the years for no good reason. Others hear stories about you and automatically judge you based on rumors and other people's opinions. And today, these people are gone from your life but the damage has been done.

Years ago I heard a story that applies here: A person was falsely accused of something. The person who spread the rumors to many people later regretted it and went to the person to apologize. "How can I make it up to you?", they said. The accused person said, "I want you to go outside on a windy day and cut open a pillow containing small feathers and let them fly everywhere. Then on the next day I want you to recover all of the lost feathers and put them back into the pillow". "That's impossible, they said." "Yes, and so is my reputation from being fully recovered." 

The final challenge to the accused is forgiveness; which we all know takes time and effort on our part.

[Bou]

On 10/7/2024 at 10:18 AM, RichS said:

I may get bumped into another forum for this (so be it), but over the past couple of years my focus has been on how "THE MAN UPSTAIRS" judges me and not how others may judge me. In the end HIS opinion is all that matters. Like all of us, I have been misjudged and disliked by some people over the years for no good reason. Others hear stories about you and automatically judge you based on rumors and other people's opinions. And today, these people are gone from your life but the damage has been done.

Years ago I heard a story that applies here: A person was falsely accused of something. The person who spread the rumors to many people later regretted it and went to the person to apologize. "How can I make it up to you?", they said. The accused person said, "I want you to go outside on a windy day and cut open a pillow containing small feathers and let them fly everywhere. Then on the next day I want you to recover all of the lost feathers and put them back into the pillow". "That's impossible, they said." "Yes, and so is my reputation from being fully recovered." 

The final challenge to the accused is forgiveness; which we all know takes time and effort on our part.

OF course depending on the circumstance I think we need to be quick to forgive others.  All of us make mistakes.  When you don't forgive it just invites a lot of not good feelings into us that can stick.  Truly forgiving someone is not easy. 

your story and maybe I am taking it wrong.....doesn't allow true forgiveness.  It just makes the person feel bad/worse out of guilt feelings. The person that hurt you knows they messed up and things will prob not be the same again or at least for a long while.  Again maybe I read this wrong.

I feel like I am even quicker to forgive then I was because I learned through out all of this that little things don't matter much and being good to others is needed because you never know how much time you have left with that person.  Let it go.....                   Big difference between letting something go and being used up or mistreated.   Know the difference and find the balance. 

[RichS]

8 minutes ago, Bou said:

The final challenge to the accused is forgiveness; which we all know takes time and effort on our part.

What I'm discovering in my old age is that you're better off letting go of past hurts and move on; if for no other reason than it weighs you down emotionally. Kind of like carrying a bunch of heavy rocks in your back pack. Most of these past hurts are from people you'll not likely to ever see again; so all the more reason to let it go. It may not always be easy to do, but we spare ourselves from the unnecessary stress if we dismiss it from our minds.