Dating

[Aiden.p]

This is my first time here , so I don’t know if I’m doing this correctly. But on July 28th of this year I lost my girlfriend, we meet while I was in high school and would have been dating for 3 year this October 20th. She was about to graduate this year while I’ve been out of school for a year. I’d like to say we were going to be highschool sweethearts, I really thought we were going to get married, she was my first everything. It was complete luck we found each other, her parents moved from ny and we instantly started talking. She was the first girl I really had a connection with.

 

Since she’s passed I’ve been all over the place, nothing seems right. I feel like I lost my purpose in life. But that being said a couple days ago I texted my therapist about how I think of dating again because I miss what I had and coming home from a ten hour shift everyday really gets to me becuase she would calm me down instantly no matter how work was. My therapist gave me a green light to do it. But it feels so wrong to even think about, I feel so disrespectful towards her and her parents because it hasn’t even been two months. And I think it’s just because I miss the connection of having a person by my side no matter what. It went from seeing each other everyday( we were neighbors), to being in the hospital room and her not being there while two cops told her parents and I. 
 

I guess I’m just looking for opinions/input and what you guys did. And im wondering if I’m doing this to quick, I’m guessing I am. I’m sorry for the text I was never good in school so I tried to write it correctly. 

[KayC]

There is no timeframe but our own.  I made mistakes and do not date at all but I am old and you are young.  Welcome to our site, feel free to come here any time to read or post.  
Dating After Loss
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

 

[widower2]

  

On 9/12/2024 at 2:47 PM, Aiden.p said:

Since she’s passed I’ve been all over the place, nothing seems right. I feel like I lost my purpose in life. But that being said a couple days ago I texted my therapist about how I think of dating again because I miss what I had and coming home from a ten hour shift everyday really gets to me becuase she would calm me down instantly no matter how work was. My therapist gave me a green light to do it. But it feels so wrong to even think about, I feel so disrespectful towards her and her parents because it hasn’t even been two months. And I think it’s just because I miss the connection of having a person by my side no matter what. It went from seeing each other everyday( we were neighbors), to being in the hospital room and her not being there while two cops told her parents and I. 
 

I guess I’m just looking for opinions/input and what you guys did. And im wondering if I’m doing this to quick, I’m guessing I am. I’m sorry for the text I was never good in school so I tried to write it correctly. 

First off, I'm so sorry for your loss.

As for dating, whether your therapist agrees with it or not is ultimately irrelevant; don't do it or not do it because they said so. The same goes for any opinions anyone here gives or anyone else at all, really.  That said, my humble opinion is to wait, for two reasons:

1. It may very well seem disrespectful to her parents and probably others as well. That doesn't mean you can't, but if you care about your relationships with her family or friends, you might want to try and hold off. Try and find other ways to combat the loneliness...getting together with friends, family (including her family if you're close enough), try joining social groups, whatever. Try not to just sit around letting the walls close in.

2. Having only happened a few months ago (although I realize they probably feel more like years to you), your mind and your world is chaotic right now....i.e. not the state of mind to be in another relationship. You're not really "you" right now, if you see what I mean. Of course you'll never be exactly the same, but you need time to regroup. Wanting or needing to cling to someone else just for the sake of there being someone else is a recipe for failed relationships. You need to be able to stand on your own first.

Just my .02. I hope talking, reading, and as need be unloading on this site can help too. 

 

[Ronni_W]

On 9/12/2024 at 2:47 PM, Aiden.p said:

This is my first time here , so I don’t know if I’m doing this correctly. But on July 28th of this year I lost my girlfriend, we meet while I was in high school and would have been dating for 3 year this October 20th. She was about to graduate this year while I’ve been out of school for a year. I’d like to say we were going to be highschool sweethearts, I really thought we were going to get married, she was my first everything. It was complete luck we found each other, her parents moved from ny and we instantly started talking. She was the first girl I really had a connection with.

 

Since she’s passed I’ve been all over the place, nothing seems right. I feel like I lost my purpose in life. But that being said a couple days ago I texted my therapist about how I think of dating again because I miss what I had and coming home from a ten hour shift everyday really gets to me becuase she would calm me down instantly no matter how work was. My therapist gave me a green light to do it. But it feels so wrong to even think about, I feel so disrespectful towards her and her parents because it hasn’t even been two months. And I think it’s just because I miss the connection of having a person by my side no matter what. It went from seeing each other everyday( we were neighbors), to being in the hospital room and her not being there while two cops told her parents and I. 
 

I guess I’m just looking for opinions/input and what you guys did. And im wondering if I’m doing this to quick, I’m guessing I am. I’m sorry for the text I was never good in school so I tried to write it correctly.

Hi Aiden.p,

I am so sorry for your loss! I am 64 years old, and want to tell you right off the top that anyone who is older than 21 years of age has no fully-accurate idea what you're really,truly, deeply, going through -- so do not listen to anyone of us (including me!) And I really mean that!!! (But also, that some of the more experienced folk at this site, which I am not, do have some wonderful and awesome insights, that can be of great help and comfort to you at this time.)

So then, my "opinions/input"  that you say you're looking for...which I am telling you to ignore and not listen to. You have a personal-unique relationship and "inner feeling and experience" with your now-deceased girlfriend, that no-one else at all has any insight into.

You say that she would "calm you down" (when neither you nor anyone else could do that for you or on your behalf, is implied in your statement). I am saying that you need to learn to do that for your own self, by your own self -- without anyone else 'leading', or 'guiding' or 'helping' you to be able to do so. That is, learn to do it on your own, by your own will-power and your own self-discipline/control. I am also saying do not just listen to or agree with with what I just said, but rather, go within your own self, and see if what I just said "rings true" or makes sense, to you.

I'm saying, if you're looking for some (next) girl to be the (next) one who "calms you down" and helps you to have control over your own emotions and your own emotional reactions to whatever big and small obstacles and "weird people" and big and small "disrespects" you might face in this life...then, no, you are not "doing this too quick", and yes, you are doing this too quick.

You do have my permission to take this, my response, in its entirety (to not take it out of context) to your therapist. Tell her/him that you are not in any mind to be catered to (effed with) -- and that you just want (are looking for) the most knowledgeable, wise opinion/input that you have access to at this time (which, I'm still telling you, you do have access to from within your own self). But. Tell your therapist to not tell you what you want to hear, but what you need to hear,

Personally. No, I don't think that you're doing this too quick. I think that you're feeling vulnerable, and lost, and with no sense of confidence  (trust in your own self). My husband died when I was just before 60. I felt the same as (I think) you do now -- lost and vulnerable and needing someone to help to calm me down when I got all out-of-shape and "not calm". Someone to tell you how to act, and react, to all of the garbage that you are going to face in life...     But, then, no. Of course that is us just putting all of our garbage on them, and not taking responsibility for it, our own "life stuff" (life garbage) of our own life, in our own life, that we have to figure-out on our own, in and for our own life. (You get what I'm saying here, yeah?_

As far as your age, of course I've had to take that into account. You talked of high school, so I'm thinking something between 16 and 18. As I said, and hope you can appreciate (but, if you can't that's okay too -- I'm 64, and totally remember that "when I was your age", I also thought that 64-year-old people where just about next to some type of coffin, and stupid, and clueless <LOL>.)  ALL young people hate when some old geezer says to them, "When I was your age..."  I totally know that!)

You don't have to start dating the next person anytime soon. You will do it next week, next year, 2 years from now. You WILL know when you're ready! Take this to your therapist. See how she/he responds to it. Then you will also be able to decide if you want to keep this one, or get yourself a new one.

But. Do NOT listen to other people (including me). Only listen to how you feel on the inside. Only learn how to "calm yourself" from the inside.

Love and hugs,     Ronni