to find meaning again

[always_somethin]

Ever since my mom passed, it's like I'm constantly looking for ways to make life more meaningful. I see how much her absence has destroyed my brother and father, what's left of my family here, and I'm so worried. Some time ago, she told me that I would handle her death easier than them. She lost her own mother at a young age and would always tell me stories. I'm grateful in that regard that I had a lot more years spent with her.

Now I know that processing grief isn't linear - sometimes it's an anxious morning and dissolves into a quiet numbness by the evening. Some days I don't know if I will be able to go through life without her to talk to. I keep asking her in my mind, "What can I do, Mom?"

She sacrificed so much for my brother and I. We all had health problems growing up and that's why I never wanted to move out and have a 'normal' life. "What is normal?", I remember her saying. I should also mention that my parents didn't exactly have a healthy relationship and I couldn't just leave my brother knowing that. Family always comes first.

Today's society has become so greedy and ignorant. I'm becoming fearful of new technology and being forced to live in a fast-paced world. The older I get, I only fear letting life pass by.

But it's just not the same without my mom here.

[Matthew48]

On 9/8/2024 at 6:47 AM, always_somethin said:

Ever since my mom passed, it's like I'm constantly looking for ways to make life more meaningful. I see how much her absence has destroyed my brother and father, what's left of my family here, and I'm so worried. Some time ago, she told me that I would handle her death easier than them. She lost her own mother at a young age and would always tell me stories. I'm grateful in that regard that I had a lot more years spent with her.

Now I know that processing grief isn't linear - sometimes it's an anxious morning and dissolves into a quiet numbness by the evening. Some days I don't know if I will be able to go through life without her to talk to. I keep asking her in my mind, "What can I do, Mom?"

She sacrificed so much for my brother and I. We all had health problems growing up and that's why I never wanted to move out and have a 'normal' life. "What is normal?", I remember her saying. I should also mention that my parents didn't exactly have a healthy relationship and I couldn't just leave my brother knowing that. Family always comes first.

Today's society has become so greedy and ignorant. I'm becoming fearful of new technology and being forced to live in a fast-paced world. The older I get, I only fear letting life pass by.

But it's just not the same without my mom here.

Dear always_something,

I very much relate to what your story/situation. I lost my mother about 16 months ago, and it still feels just as raw as it did then. The only difference now is that there isn't much shock there anymore to neutralize/numb the pain. It's all profound sadness now. No one could have been closer to their mother than me (super close to my father, too). She had her faults, and was not a great listener in latter life, but no one defended me and worried about me like her. My father does love me as much as my mother did, but it's a different relationship, although similar (hard to explain).  What I miss about my mother is her defending me/worrying about me. Other stuff not so much, but that doesn't mean I love her any less. 

I know your pain -- please know that. A lot of my anxiety (anxious mornings, etc.) has subsided and now I'm left with deep sadness (hard to get motivated throughout the day). I also get numb in the evenings like you. Some days are better than others, but there are few good days, if any. That said, less than 2 years is still early grief.  Grief is a journey -- not a destination.

Again, please know that you're not alone. I know in my heart that things will get better for us as time moves on in our grief journey. 

Yes, the  world is a harsh and brutal place, and very fast-paced, to boot. This reality makes grief even harder.

No, things aren't the same without your dear mother here, but I don't believe that our loved one ever leave us in death (my personal belief). 

Let me close with this: we all die, and all those we love will die, as well. Death is a natural part of life, no matter how much we fight against it. We can console ourselves by knowing deeply this fact of life. I hope it makes sense somehow. 

Much compassion and healing I give you.

Take good care of yourself. 

[always_somethin]

Dear Matthew48,

Thank you for such a heartfelt response. I'm learning every day to heal and embrace change rather than spend my time in denial. I have a bit of closure about her passing since reading a journal she wrote back in the '80s, raising my brother. She had quite an adventurous life despite hardships and that brings me comfort.

I've written poems about her and wonder if she's reading them along with me. I also gathered some old birthday cards she gave me and pictures of her to display in a large frame. I look at it daily and think: what an amazing mom I had! I'm grateful to have known someone so loving in my life.

She always appreciated everything I did for her, even calling me "Mom" because I would remind her to do things. There are days when I miss taking care of her. I've been watching near death experience videos and there's a comfort knowing that I could see her again. But until then, I want to honor her by living my best life.

Again, I really appreciate your reply. May we both be strong. 🕊

[Matthew48]

16 hours ago, always_somethin said:

Dear Matthew48,

Thank you for such a heartfelt response. I'm learning every day to heal and embrace change rather than spend my time in denial. I have a bit of closure about her passing since reading a journal she wrote back in the '80s, raising my brother. She had quite an adventurous life despite hardships and that brings me comfort.

I've written poems about her and wonder if she's reading them along with me. I also gathered some old birthday cards she gave me and pictures of her to display in a large frame. I look at it daily and think: what an amazing mom I had! I'm grateful to have known someone so loving in my life.

She always appreciated everything I did for her, even calling me "Mom" because I would remind her to do things. There are days when I miss taking care of her. I've been watching near death experience videos and there's a comfort knowing that I could see her again. But until then, I want to honor her by living my best life.

Again, I really appreciate your reply. May we both be strong. 🕊

I'm glad to know that my words helped you a little ---that was indeed my intention. I want to give love and compassion to others grieving. Why? Because in the real world, there is barely a person to lean on, to talk to, etc. about grief. My immediate family had no one. Although my father, my sister and I had each other, we needed outsiders to come and comfort us, but that was never given. So now I try to reach out to others stricken with grief in the hopes that I can make them feel just a tiny bit better. We're all in the same boat, because we loved our mothers/parents so much.  We heal in sharing our sorrows with one another.  

We will heal over time...although grief is a journey, not a destination.

In conclusion, be sure to embrace your feelings but don't immerse yourself in grief 24/7. That's sound advice I was given.

Take good care of yourself. 

 

[Ronni_W]

Dear always_somethin,

My heartfelt thoughts and feelings for you, on your loss of your mom. As you say, it's just not the same without them here. (My mom passed in June 2021.)

For me reading your initial post, it was a beautiful thing that your mom not only saw in you, but also expressed to you her recognition of, your inner strength -- that you have the greater capacity over your brother and dad, to easier deal with her passing. Not that it is ever "easy", of course -- but only that it does take inner strength and confidence (which, I must confess about myself, I have not had for my own self for my own mourning and grieving). And so, you can always draw on that from your mom, even when/if you're not feeling it at whatever given moment within yourself. For me, I don't have that from my mom...so, I do think/feel that possibly, but not definitely or necessarily, it could be a just lovely gift that your mom gave you, and left with you. Maybe, possibly. If not...that's of course perfectly okay, too.

Making our life more meaningful. Only about a month ago, I've come to realize that how I can do that in my own life is to just commit to being nicer and kinder to more people...so I try to do that not only with my friends and loved ones and supporters, but also with people I run into, in the mall -- new parents love it when we spend a moment to say how beautiful their babies are; and cashiers, when we just say, "Thanks -- your positive energy put a smile on my face"; and 6-year-olds when we acknowledge their 'light-up sneakers' and cool haircuts and pretty dresses and funky pants. Just expressing an interest, or showing a kind consideration. It means so helluva much to those upon whom we bestow it. So, we can do that...make our life more meaningful by uplifting others with some sincerely-felt compliment; or helping them to feel a bit better in their own life, in whatever way comes to us in the moment, to put a smile on their face; or offer to help an older adult carry their grocery bags, or gift a dollar or five to someone who is holding out an empty cup or hat.

It will also need your own strength, and intuitive sensitivity, and compassionate empathy, and discernment, but, when you feel the timing is opportune, those stories that your mom shared with you about her life challenges and struggles might also be of comfort and/or help to your brother and dad.

And, lastly. About all of this new technology...I'm so with you on that! I'm heading for 65, so probably a generation older than you are, but from my "old age" I would like to offer that you do not need for other people and corporations to force you into enslaving yourself to all of this technology...at least, I have not (yet <lol>) given in to it; at least, not entirely <lol-lol>.  For examples: I am not on any social media. Nobody believes me -- not even the cops when they were involved in the "where, what and how" of my husband's passing (in 2020). But.  "Yeah...no...sorry! I don't have a Facebook, or TikTok, or Twitter/X, account."  Yesterday I had to renew my cell.phone subscription, and of course they needed my cell. phone number. I had to look it up on a written piece of paper in my wallet. It *really* is just for emergencies, if my apartment loses power or I get stuck while driving. Last month I was at the bank to get an "old-fashioned" money order/bank draft -- that's what I use; I don't do this "tap-to-pay" stuff, Anyway, so the bank teller asks me what is my cell. phone number so she can text me a pass-code then I can text it back to her, then she can give me my bank draft -- WTF? I'm standing right in front of her!!!. So I just said that I don't have a cell phone. And we just stood there looking at each other (her not believing how anyone in 2024 cannot have a cell. phone), then I shrugged, "I do not have a cell phone". So then she did whatever she had to do, and gave me my bank draft. (I didn't feel it necessary to tell her that even if she did text me a code, I have no clue at all how to retrieve it or send it back to her. I have *never* texted anyone in my life! <lol>.)

Big long paragraph just to let you know: It's perfectly okay to not allow any new technology to force you into anything. All of that comes totally last. You come first, then your family, loved ones and friends.

Sending you lots of love and hugs, and continued strength.     Ronni

Um.  PS: Sorry for this very long post. When I logged-in, it was only a couple of paragraphs long in my mind.

[Ronni_W]

Dear Matthew48,

My sympathies on your loss.

I do so identify with your (and your dad's and sister's) experience, of not feeling the receipt of the love, compassion and support of our still-living "nearest and dearest" after our momentously-felt loss. I have experienced the same: when my dad died in 1974 (I'd just turned 13); when I lost my marriage, in 1998; and since my husband died, in 2020.  (Not the same husband from my 1998 loss, just to be clear. <lol>. But also, that first husband is still alive, and we are still very good friends to this day. To give him his due.)

It might not make any huge difference, but just so you know, you are making others feel just a tiny bit better by helping others (me) feel that I am not so alone.

I've come to think or realize: It's that these types of losses just scare the crap out of our nearest and dearest who have not yet been exposed to it. And, out of their fear, first, they want to avoid it at all costs; and, second, they have no idea how to comfort or support us through it. Second, nevertheless they do, on some deeper-internal level, identify with our loss, which just makes them feel "more guilty for doing better" by us, so then this second-part guilt just makes them distance from us even further.  (If this makes sense?)

My own first NOT being there for a dear friend was when she got divorced many years before me -- I was too naive (and happy with my own life and marriage) to be able to identify with what she was going through, and "be there" for her and how she needed. It was only my own loss/divorce that helped me to realize what she'd needed, and how I could have been (but wasn't) a better friend, and actual support, for her.

But so. We are now better at being able to "walk with" others who are walking in our shoes -- and you are a stellar example of this! Your insight, to try to not allow our mind-heart to be 24/7 immersed in our grief is so spot-on! Difficult to obtain, but still a most important goal. I sunk myself into 'Sudoku' <lol>, but reading (whether romantic novels, or horror, or spiritual, or historical, or self-help); or TV quiz or reality shows; or whatever mental or physical activity...as long as it is a positive escape for the mind and heart. Even if only temporary, it will still bring some (temporary) relief. Later on, we can consider volunteering in a more formal capacity. Now...just "volunteer yourself" to be kind to friends, family, loved and "strangers". That's more than enough for now, until we feel stronger and more confident in life. (IMHO.)

You also, Matthew48, take good care of yourself.

Love and hugs,     Ronni

[always_somethin]

Dear Ronni_W,

Thank you for your kindness and much-needed advice. I read it over many times and have felt a bit better from your words. I definitely want to live a more mindful life and offer kindness. I forget that we are all suffering from something and that compassion is what we're missing in today's society.

When you described about not having social media, that's exactly how my mother was. She hand-wrote everything - letters to a close friend, bills, etc. She absolutely hated computers, but she managed to have successful online stores with my brother and I helping her. Unfortunately after her passing we had to close them due to policy, and not having those anymore really hurts us. We did everything together, going to garage sales and finding unique things. She was not only my mother, but also a best friend.

Your bank story gave me a much needed smile! I actually just use a smartphone like a small tablet, (no cell service) and we just have flip phones for emergencies going out. I may be in my thirties but the old-fashioned ways of doing things is better. I also still make handwritten grocery lists like my mom did, while I see others in the store use their phones. It's silly and such a distraction.

I don't mind long responses at all, I really appreciate you taking the time for it. 😊

Much love and strength back at you! 🕊