Devastated

[Dennis W]

I don't really know what to say. My wife of 46 years passed away unexpectedly yesterday and I am beyond crushed. We were constant companions and I cherished her greatly. The pain is worse than I could ever have imagined. I am alone now with no one to talk to, so I thought maybe coming here would give me some relief, since you have all been through it. The day is interminable and I dread the coming night. I'm on an emotional roller coaster alternating between shock, denial, guilt, and outright bawling. I have read some of the threads and everyone says to take it a day at a time, so I guess I'll try that if I can ever function again. Anyway, thanks for giving me a little of your time. God bless.

[KayC]

Welcome!  I am so sorry for your loss.  It helps to come here to read and post, this is a safe place where others get it.
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

 

[Dennis W]

Thank you for the advice. It is truly appreciated. I woke up this morning and of course the nightmare came flooding back. I have spent most of the day in tears. Even if I read or watch something on tv I can not completely get that terrible experience out of my mind. I just don't know how I can go on. This is overwhelming and there is no way to fix it. I understand that it takes time but I feel like I am in hell right now. I have lost other loved ones before but they were rivers. This is the ocean. It's good to have this place where I can try to express my feelings even if it's just on 'paper'. Thanks for listening.

[KayC]

A good way of putting it.  Losing my spouse is definitely the hardest loss I've experienced.

[Bob1948]

I understand completely what you must be going through.  I lost my wife in January after 54 years. During the first few weeks I would awaken each day reliving the days before her death.  As I went around the house she was everywhere.  The evening was the worst as once it began to get dark I felt as if the house was closing in on me.  No matter what we did individually during the day in the evening we were together, eating, watching tv or just talking about what we did that day.  As time has gone by I don’t constantly think about her death but about the things we did together.  An example was the other days for some reason I felt unsettled and couldn’t understand why.  Instead of the heat of the summer the weather had changed to fall like temperatures.  I realized that this was the time of year when we would get a sandwich and go sit by the river and just enjoy the day.  So in her memory I did just that.  At times it will feels like the pain will never end but as time passes it will become less intense.

[Dennis W]

Thanks, Bob, for sharing your experience. You do understand and your encouragement is certainly appreciated. It's been almost a week now. I still break down frequently without warning but not as often as the first few days when I could barely function. My sweet daughter-in-law has been a huge help and I'm thankful for that. It's just these long days in this empty house that really get me down. I try to find something to do and I watch tv which helps some. I guess I'm rambling here but putting coherent thoughts down isn't easy right now. I think you know what I mean.

[Bob1948]

I understand completely. I found what helped me was to get out of the house among other people. I began volunteering my time to an organization. It doesn't matter where, its about being involved with other people and getting out of the house.  When I started volunteering I let people know I was grieving a loss so if I began to cry they would understand.

[Dennis W]

Thanks. I may do something like that someday. Right now it takes a lot of effort to just walk out the door. Tonight I'm going to pick up my son who is flying in from Kentucky with his wife. I haven't seen them in 6 years and I'm really looking forward to it. But, this might sound strange, I'm really dreading it in a way because of the circumstances. I know it's going to be very emotional and I'm just about exhausted. I hope I can be strong for his sake as well as mine.

[P777]

On 9/8/2024 at 1:26 AM, Dennis W said:

I don't really know what to say. My wife of 46 years passed away unexpectedly yesterday and I am beyond crushed. We were constant companions and I cherished her greatly. The pain is worse than I could ever have imagined. I am alone now with no one to talk to, so I thought maybe coming here would give me some relief, since you have all been through it. The day is interminable and I dread the coming night. I'm on an emotional roller coaster alternating between shock, denial, guilt, and outright bawling. I have read some of the threads and everyone says to take it a day at a time, so I guess I'll try that if I can ever function again. Anyway, thanks for giving me a little of your time. God bless.

Sincerely sorry for your loss Dennis. As others have said already, just take each day or even hour at a time. Yes one cannot comprehend the pain, until it happens. Its beyond any nightmare.

My Wife of 19 years passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. The first month after I think I just existed. Cried constantly and hardly slept. 6 months on now, I can say that I dont cry every day, maybe every couple of days and sleeping a lot better. However, I am only beginning a new life, and to be honest still think its a dream what happened. There are people on here who many years have gone by, so they are in a different place.Everyone is different and there is no timescale involved.

Talk to people. Dont hold anything in. If you are religious, then pray.

I will say a prayer for you. You are stronger than you think, believe it. This is not the end though, you will see your Wife again, in heaven. Right now, she is still loving and guiding you.

This is a fantastic forum and the people here obviously share the same bond.

11 minutes ago, Dennis W said:

Thanks. I may do something like that someday. Right now it takes a lot of effort to just walk out the door. Tonight I'm going to pick up my son who is flying in from Kentucky with his wife. I haven't seen them in 6 years and I'm really looking forward to it. But, this might sound strange, I'm really dreading it in a way because of the circumstances. I know it's going to be very emotional and I'm just about exhausted. I hope I can be strong for his sake as well as mine.

Surround yourself with love from your family. They will help you, and you them.

[Dennis W]

Thanks, P777, for the encouraging words.

[P777]

14 hours ago, Dennis W said:

Thanks, P777, for the encouraging words.

Of course Dennis, my pleasure.

Keep checking back in here, its an extremely comforting place.

[KayC]

It's been a week for you, by that time when I went through it, I was still in shock, maybe running on adrenaline, wasn't getting sleep.  My heart goes out to you, keeping you in prayer.