Not sure how to use this site

[JeanMel]

I’m looking for some support through this first hard year of the grief process. I lost my adult son in April,  I came across this site but I’m not quite sure how to use this 

[KayC]

Well you are doing it!  You can post your own thread in loss of child and others can respond to you there, or you can chime in on someone else's.  I'd recommend both.

I am so sorry for your loss.  I lost my husband 19 years ago and have lost three babies before they were born, but I can't begin to imagine the pain of losing your child.  
Child Loss

[JeanMel]

Thank you for your response 

I feel death follows me.  My mother died when I was 18.  My sister was killed in an automobile accident when I was 27

my first son was premature and died as a baby.  My brother died when I was 60. And then this last death my son died April at when he turned. 35 

lve tried counseling but find it unhelpful. I’m at a loss dealing with this and no one really understands that each day marches on but I’m frozen still trying to accept this last event in my life.  I can’t imagine as I’m now 71 ever feeling alive or happy again 

[KayC]

I'm also 71, will turn 72 in a month, have been alone 19 years since my husband died prematurely on Father's Day.  I've lost my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, my favorite cousin who was 9 years younger than me, 25 dogs and cats, two sisters, my favorite BIL, a three year old nephew and a nearly two year old niece.  It's hard.  My heart goes out to you, our children are supposed to outlive us, or so we expect...

😔

[Ronni_W]

On 9/5/2024 at 1:24 PM, JeanMel said:

Thank you for your response 

I feel death follows me.  My mother died when I was 18.  My sister was killed in an automobile accident when I was 27

my first son was premature and died as a baby.  My brother died when I was 60. And then this last death my son died April at when he turned. 35 

lve tried counseling but find it unhelpful. I’m at a loss dealing with this and no one really understands that each day marches on but I’m frozen still trying to accept this last event in my life.  I can’t imagine as I’m now 71 ever feeling alive or happy again 

Hello, dear JeanMel,

I think that losing a child must be the most difficult type of loss that we can go ever through. So, my most sincere and heartfelt sympathies go out to you, on your loss.

I also think that it is true what you say, that "death follows us"...but only in the same way that also life follows us. (My husband's third grandchild was born a few months after it was confirmed, through dental records, that he had died..so, in the family, there was death, but also it was followed by life.)  I guess that some might say that taxes follow us in the same way...cos when we go to "settle the estate of the deceased" with the IRS or its equivalent in other countries, the government still wants its piece of that. <weak smile>.

Like you, I also didn't find grief counseling helpful for my own situation and personal philosophy. And, like you, I also found that no-one understood how my each and every day was being approached (by me) as just another 24-hour period that I had to endure and try to get through, without any "light of hope", or optimism, or expectation of anything positive and happy ever coming in again.

I'm "only" 64 -- which I say totally tongue-in-cheek (for me, 64 and 71 is the same number, chronologically or "age-wise" speaking). My husband died only 4 years ago. It is quite a bit different, if our loss happens when we are 70, versus when we are 50. At 51, there are many more options available than at 64 or 71. (Whether or not we took advantage of those options is a different subject of conversation, entirely.) My mom became a widow at her age of 38. (I had just turned 13. Exposed to death at a relatively early age.) I became a widow at age of 60. Everything about that is entirely different, except that we got to call ourselves "widows".

Four years ago, like you, I also couldn't see any way to feel "happy". "Alive"? Well...it was only that I knew that I was still alive. So then I had to ask, "What else?" What else can we feel? Peace? Inner peace. So then I started working on that. Yes, I did want "happiness" -- before all of my husband dying, that's what I was after. But. At age 64...maybe "peace" will be good enough? (I said to myself.) So, now I spend my days wondering what will bring me "peace". Sometimes it is to do some vacuuming <lol>. So then I try to vacuum. And sometimes I'm even successful! (I've not ever liked house-cleaning or vacuuming) <lol>. It's like that, when we're grieving from a recent loss, and we're also 64 or 71. I think; maybe. At least, that's how it is, and has been, for my  own, personal "grief process and journey."

Love and hugs,     Ronni

[JeanMel]

Thanks for your reply.  It does help a little….perhaps a moment of “peace” to read the thoughts you shared. Feel a little less alone in the struggle to accept the horrible loss 

[Mama of Angela]

On 9/4/2024 at 10:20 PM, JeanMel said:

I’m looking for some support through this first hard year of the grief process. I lost my adult son in April,  I came across this site but I’m not quite sure how to use this 

I'm in the same boat. This is my 1st time on here. I lost my adult daughter in March. This grief is so strong. I go to a grief group. I attend one online. Nothing helps. I'm the only one that loss an adult child in both groups. Sherie  Angela's Mama

[KayC]

I am very sorry for your loss, I can't imagine, but my heart goes out to you.

[JeanMel]

Angela’s mama,

my heart can touch yours right now because every beat hurts right now.  I love that you go by Angela’s mama.  Serves as a reminder of the way one feels after our child dies 

I’d be happy to connect with you anytime you just want to someone to hear and know how painful and alone our world becomes when this happens.

even to be actually heard for a moment helps us to get through the day.

“james’ mom “

[Mama of Angela]

3 hours ago, JeanMel said:

Angela’s mama,

my heart can touch yours right now because every beat hurts right now.  I love that you go by Angela’s mama.  Serves as a reminder of the way one feels after our child dies 

I’d be happy to connect with you anytime you just want to someone to hear and know how painful and alone our world becomes when this happens.

even to be actually heard for a moment helps us to get through the day.

“james’ mom “ Gosh, I'm not sure where to reply. Please forgive me if this is the wrong place. I would love to connect. Yes, it feels so alone and painful. I'm here by myself. My baby is gone. She called me Mama. I even put that on her urn. I'm so sorry for your loss of, "James."  I can safely say that I know your hurt. It rips your soul to shreds. Thank you for your sweet note. I needed this today. I can't even get out of my nightgown and really don't want to. Not sure how to connect on here except reply in this box? Big Hugs, Angela's Mama

 

[JeanMel]

8 hours ago, Mama of Angela said:

I'm in the same boat. This is my 1st time on here. I lost my adult daughter in March. This grief is so strong. I go to a grief group. I attend one online. Nothing helps. I'm the only one that loss an adult child in both groups. Sherie  Angela's Mama

 

On 9/14/2024 at 12:07 AM, Ronni_W said:

Hello, dear JeanMel,

I think that losing a child must be the most difficult type of loss that we can go ever through. So, my most sincere and heartfelt sympathies go out to you, on your loss.

I also think that it is true what you say, that "death follows us"...but only in the same way that also life follows us. (My husband's third grandchild was born a few months after it was confirmed, through dental records, that he had died..so, in the family, there was death, but also it was followed by life.)  I guess that some might say that taxes follow us in the same way...cos when we go to "settle the estate of the deceased" with the IRS or its equivalent in other countries, the government still wants its piece of that. <weak smile>.

Like you, I also didn't find grief counseling helpful for my own situation and personal philosophy. And, like you, I also found that no-one understood how my each and every day was being approached (by me) as just another 24-hour period that I had to endure and try to get through, without any "light of hope", or optimism, or expectation of anything positive and happy ever coming in again.

I'm "only" 64 -- which I say totally tongue-in-cheek (for me, 64 and 71 is the same number, chronologically or "age-wise" speaking). My husband died only 4 years ago. It is quite a bit different, if our loss happens when we are 70, versus when we are 50. At 51, there are many more options available than at 64 or 71. (Whether or not we took advantage of those options is a different subject of conversation, entirely.) My mom became a widow at her age of 38. (I had just turned 13. Exposed to death at a relatively early age.) I became a widow at age of 60. Everything about that is entirely different, except that we got to call ourselves "widows".

Four years ago, like you, I also couldn't see any way to feel "happy". "Alive"? Well...it was only that I knew that I was still alive. So then I had to ask, "What else?" What else can we feel? Peace? Inner peace. So then I started working on that. Yes, I did want "happiness" -- before all of my husband dying, that's what I was after. But. At age 64...maybe "peace" will be good enough? (I said to myself.) So, now I spend my days wondering what will bring me "peace". Sometimes it is to do some vacuuming <lol>. So then I try to vacuum. And sometimes I'm even successful! (I've not ever liked house-cleaning or vacuuming) <lol>. It's like that, when we're grieving from a recent loss, and we're also 64 or 71. I think; maybe. At least, that's how it is, and has been, for my  own, personal "grief process and journey."

Love and hugs,     Ronni

Someone is not working when I tried to respond to Angela’s mama.  So I’m trying here I hope she can read this. I know how important it is to be able to have support. I will try to keep reaching out to you.  Hope this goes through.  James mom

[Mama of Angela]

Hi James Mom...I can see your response now. Don't know what happened. Angela's Mama

[JeanMel]

I am not sure if we can share emails. I sent that question in and am waiting a response 

[Mama of Angela]

Oh that would be terrific if we could!! 

[KayC]

You can message each other the addresses. See the mail at the top of the page, click on that, start a message so the other will get a notification and can respond.

[Mama of Angela]

5 minutes ago, KayC said:

You can message each other the addresses. See the mail at the top of the page, click on that, start a message so the other will get a notification and can respond.

Thank you so much!!

[KayC]

No one can read your messages unless one of you invites someone into the conversation.