first loss of my life (mom)

[always_somethin]

New here. I'm 31, female, and have lived with both parents and older brother my whole life. My mom passed Aug 19th at 64 suffering from many things including COPD and aspiration pneumonia. She claimed she smoked since age 9, but quit during the peak of summer this year. She also suffered from spinal stenosis since I was a child.

She had been very frail and tired, leading up to one morning when she couldn't get out of bed and kept falling asleep. She never really ate well. Her blood oxygen level was dangerously low and was rushed to ICU. Other issues were found and she was in a lot of pain. She called us on the phone daily, talking about what she ate and the tests that needed to be done. I allowed myself not to worry about her - especially when she sounded so happy when she cut her hair into a shag, or impressing the doctors with her physical therapy progress. My brother and I would visit her and bring things from home she wanted, like her tablet to watch youtube videos. She loved the orange sherbet at the hospital. We were told all positive news, but the respiratory failure and bedsores were concerning.

When they needed to do a coccyx xray this upset her aspiration and she relapsed. Everything in her body was failing so suddenly - gallbladder, kidneys, heart, and lungs again (antibiotics weren't working as good). She fought the nurses, tearing her mask off saying no repetitively. I rushed to the hospital with my brother and dad, and we're all trying to hold her hands to keep them off the ventilator mask. I knew she was in pain and it hurt to see her suffering. She couldn't hear well with the oxygen flow so I stroked her hair like she did for me as a child. I still hope she felt that.

The doctor was very kind and told us about her wishes, and that Mom fought to stay alive before we got there. We made the decision to let her go peacefully, as she always said that she didn't want to live on machines. Once the mask was taken off, she relaxed better with the morphine. She was so strong but stubborn through it all.

I feel like I'm going through the grieving process backwards. I wanted her to be without suffering but at the same time Mom and I were so close. So was she and my brother. We were her caretakers, making sure she ate and slept well. I look back at our goofy moments but it hurts that I can't talk to her again. I can't hold her hand anymore. I hope I can get this out of my head that I was only living for her. My only focus in life was seeing her well. Now that she's gone I'm numb. It's been really bad lately waking up with horrific chills and dry heaving. I want to know how to better handle this, as I've never experienced this kind of loss before. It feels like she took a piece of my soul with her.

Edited September 2 by always_somethin
Incorrect symptom detail

[Stars*in*the*sky]

 

 

Hello there always_somethin, 🌟

I am sorry to read of the death of your mother. May she rest in peace after the combination of her health issues.

You wrote that you want to know how to better handle this. You have already started handling the loss of your mother by sharing your story with others who are grieving as well…that is a positive step towards understanding your own grief process. You will find your way.

As a nurturing mother, she loved and cared for you. Then, you cared for her in her time of need. Now, you can continue her lessons of love and nurture yourself. Grief can be very exhausting and it is important to rest your mind, body, and soul daily. Always take time to rest.

Your mom will always be by your side in spirit.

A flower sent your way…🌺

Take care. 🌟

[always_somethin]

Thank you, I really appreciate your response.

Since her passing, I've written poetry and tried to get back into meditation. I've seen her in dreams, happier and determined. I talk to her often near her favorite chair. My brother and I will bring up something she used to say just because it always stuck with us. I still cry because I know I need to, but the pain I feel is somehow lighter.

Being a mom is an honor. I told her I never had the desire to become one, and I'm so grateful she respected my decision to not have kids. But she would call me "Mom" when I took care of her.

Thank you for your kindness. 🕊️

[Stars*in*the*sky]

 

Hi there always_somethin,

I wish you peace.

Sending sunshine your way…☀️