How do I cope with losing my first real love?

[PeachRings]

Hi, this is my first time on a site like this so I'm very sorry if I don't know the rules. Both my boyfriend and I are 16 and have been together for almost a year now. On August 8th 2024 he passed after being hit by a car on his way to work (It hurt to type that out for the first time) I was on call with him for hours getting ready to go out not even an hour before it happened. I spent the whole day wondering why he wasn't looking at my messages, but just assumed it was a really busy day. That night my dad called me downstairs after my loves mom had called him to tell him the news and told me. I couldn't move from the steps for hours, I had convinced myself I was dreaming since I had almost dozed off earlier, and honestly I still feel like I am, wishful thinking I guess. At the funeral his mom gave me his ring which I wear on a heart necklace, along with a small chain with a star pendant he gave me for our 6 month anniversary. I can't seem to take the smaller one off, only to shower, then it goes straight back on so I don't damage it. I've talked with his mom alot, along with some other family members of his, and all of them said the same thing, "we've never seen him happier, he would talk about you all the time/ he really loved you" I know it's to try and help me feel better, but more than anything it just hurts. It hurts to have everyone reach out and give their condolences even though I really appreciate them. About once a month I cook a dinner for his mom and brother so they don't have to stress too hard, and I keep trying to make myself go into his room for some things to keep, but every time I even think about it I feel sick. I miss him more than I can explain, and I know we're only kids but this is the first time I've felt truly and wholly loved by someone, and the absence of him is something I don't know if I can get over. I'm sorry if this was long, I felt I had to get alot out. Thank you for reading, more than anything I just want tips on how to keep going. At night I go out on my roof and talk to the moon as if he was listening (he compared us to the moon and stars all the time, hence the star pendant) which helps sometimes, but I know it isn't sustainable. Please, any tips would help

[KayC]

No need to apolgize, welcome here!  Please come here to read and post daily if you'd like!  I am so sorry you for your loss and that you are going through this.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Bou]

On 8/29/2024 at 7:43 PM, PeachRings said:

Hi, this is my first time on a site like this so I'm very sorry if I don't know the rules. Both my boyfriend and I are 16 and have been together for almost a year now. On August 8th 2024 he passed after being hit by a car on his way to work (It hurt to type that out for the first time) I was on call with him for hours getting ready to go out not even an hour before it happened. I spent the whole day wondering why he wasn't looking at my messages, but just assumed it was a really busy day. That night my dad called me downstairs after my loves mom had called him to tell him the news and told me. I couldn't move from the steps for hours, I had convinced myself I was dreaming since I had almost dozed off earlier, and honestly I still feel like I am, wishful thinking I guess. At the funeral his mom gave me his ring which I wear on a heart necklace, along with a small chain with a star pendant he gave me for our 6 month anniversary. I can't seem to take the smaller one off, only to shower, then it goes straight back on so I don't damage it. I've talked with his mom alot, along with some other family members of his, and all of them said the same thing, "we've never seen him happier, he would talk about you all the time/ he really loved you" I know it's to try and help me feel better, but more than anything it just hurts. It hurts to have everyone reach out and give their condolences even though I really appreciate them. About once a month I cook a dinner for his mom and brother so they don't have to stress too hard, and I keep trying to make myself go into his room for some things to keep, but every time I even think about it I feel sick. I miss him more than I can explain, and I know we're only kids but this is the first time I've felt truly and wholly loved by someone, and the absence of him is something I don't know if I can get over. I'm sorry if this was long, I felt I had to get alot out. Thank you for reading, more than anything I just want tips on how to keep going. At night I go out on my roof and talk to the moon as if he was listening (he compared us to the moon and stars all the time, hence the star pendant) which helps sometimes, but I know it isn't sustainable. Please, any tips would help

Tips for how to keep going.....     Well you just do it.  You take care of you and put one foot in front of the other.  If he was here he would want you to live your life to the fullest and be happy.   Not to diminish your love for your boyfriend at all but YOU are young.  You do have the opportunity to pick up the pieces and start again.  You have not invested half or more of your life with someone.  It hurts and all you can do is work through that hurt.  Over time it will become easier.  Don't stay stuck in it.  Life is for living and again your young you have time.  I am sorry for your loss.  I hope kindness, good thoughts, good vibes help to ease your pain.  Cherish the memories but move on and make new memories.... I am guessing he would want that for you.  Hope this helps you.  

[KayC]

It's not the time spent with them, it's the quality of relationship. We don't want to diminish what they had because of her age.

[KayC]

4 hours ago, Bou said:

put one foot in front of the other.

I used to have a griever on my other site and here both that used to say that, "ole' misfit" he called himself, otherwise known as Darrell.

It's true, we put one foot in front of the other and keep going.

[foreverhis]

@PeachRings  I just want to say how very sorry I am that you lost your love.  That you're so young and didn't have a chance to experience a full life together is doubly tragic.  You don't need to apologize--not ever--for coming her to talk or rant or cry.  We're all here for the same reason:  We lost the loves of our lives.

For now, just keep breathing, get out of bed and get dressed each day, do what needs to be done, eat some healthy food (hint: smoothies are a life saver when you have no appetite and food sounds unpalatable), and just let yourself grieve.  Let the waves of grief wash over you because trying to hold it all in is like trying to hold back the ocean tides.

Talk to him.  Seriously, when you're alone, talk to your love.  Tell him about your day, rant and cry that it's not fair (because it isn't), and let him know how much you love him.  Can they hear us when we do that?  No one can say for sure.  What I do know is that it helped me immensely in the beginning and even now, though not as painfully and not as often.

Ignore anyone who says things like, "You're too young to know true love."  You are not too young to know your hearts and souls.  I am certain it will feel like many people don't understand your grief.  Honestly, that is their problem and issue, not yours.  What matters is the depth of love, the bond of your relationship, not your age or how long you had together.

I know that at your age you do need to think about and plan your future, whether that's college, a technical/vocational/trade career, or starting a full time job in a couple of years.  No doubt you don't even want to think about that right now.  For the time being, when you can, just live in the present.  Try not to look too many years down the road because that's overwhelming.  Plan the part of your future that you must, but leave the rest in the distance for now.

I'm a grannie and my granddaughter will be turning 16 soon.  My heart aches for you.  Sending you a big virtual hug.💗

[KayC]

7 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Ignore anyone who says things like, "You're too young to know true love."  You are not too young to know your hearts and souls.  I am certain it will feel like many people don't understand your grief.  Honestly, that is their problem and issue, not yours.  What matters is the depth of love, the bond of your relationship, not your age or how long you had together.

Thank you for this, so true.