Three year anniversary

[Foreverandalways28]

Hi everyone, I’m new to the community. I’m hoping to meet some new people who may have gone through the same thing as me who can offer encouragement. I’ll try not to make this a super long post. Back in 2021, I lost my fiancé in a car accident due to the negligence of a drunk driver running a red light. This man was all I knew for years. We had taken the vow of for better or worse just within a dating relationship. He would always be my voice of reason and encouragement.  Most importantly, he loved me with a love I never thought existed. I didn’t see many great relationships growing up and he healed my tainted view on love. I don’t know how to heal. It’s been three years and everyday feels like the day I found out. I can’t talk about him without crying so I avoid talking about him. That’s what I’ve done since I lost him up until earlier this year when I finally had a counseling session in which my counselor explained I am experiencing delayed grief and I need to allow myself to feel instead of ignoring it. I don’t think I can confront him really being gone. I believe i’m still in denial, especially since I was not able to make the funeral because I was in Naval bootcamp. I want to heal and get better but I don’t know how to do that in a healthy way. I feel a huge sense of guilt every time I even consider my life moving forward because he wasn’t given that opportunity. I think of everything we lost and it hurts me with the worst pain I’ve ever felt. We were supposed to be married. We had so many plans and the thought of that not being possible anymore paralyzes me. I miss him every second. There’s reminders of him everywhere. I’m reminded of my miscarriage when I think of him as well. Our baby would’ve been 4 years old. I haven’t been back to counseling because I feel someone who hasn’t gone through the loss of a significant other can understand this pain. I just wish I could be with him again.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

So very sorry for your loss.  Yes, being in the service makes it specially difficult to attend to family emergencies or other special events, as it were, like funerals.  I do know that if you and your fiancé were not legally married, the Navy did not see the urgency of you being able to leave boot camp for the funeral.  That only happens for immediate family.  Even if your company commander might have agreed to emergency leave for you, Navy regs being what they are, can be pretty specific and unyielding.  Are you still in the Navy?

You are in the correct place to share your thoughts and emotions.  You are in the correct place to make your message as long or as short as you wish.  We all have experienced this most awful of losses imaginable.  Some of us are “old hands” at this, and some others of us are just starting this journey of grief.  There is no wrong way or right way to grieve.  But talking to someone, in some manner, is the best way.  Crying at the memory of him when you talk about him is perfectly normal, we all have and still do that.  Crying can be like a safety valve for your emotions and, kind of, resets your heart and emotions so you can function for a bit.  It does for me.  It seems like you are grieving double: your baby and your fiancé.  I cannot imagine what that is like for you.

[KayC]

Welcome to our site.  It helps to know you are heard by others who understand...just change the date and details, we've al been through it and remember like it was yesterday. It helps to come here to read and post.

I am so sorry for your immense loss.   You can't bury grief, it'll find and haunt you.  And I'm sorry for your baby as well, I lost three very wanted children (miscarriages), one five months along.  

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

Everyone's journey is unique, it helps to save these tips as not all will speak to you now, some further down the road, no rhyme or reason to the order.

[Bou]

On 8/29/2024 at 3:51 AM, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

So very sorry for your loss.  Yes, being in the service makes it specially difficult to attend to family emergencies or other special events, as it were, like funerals.  I do know that if you and your fiancé were not legally married, the Navy did not see the urgency of you being able to leave boot camp for the funeral.  That only happens for immediate family.  Even if your company commander might have agreed to emergency leave for you, Navy regs being what they are, can be pretty specific and unyielding.  Are you still in the Navy?

You are in the correct place to share your thoughts and emotions.  You are in the correct place to make your message as long or as short as you wish.  We all have experienced this most awful of losses imaginable.  Some of us are “old hands” at this, and some others of us are just starting this journey of grief.  There is no wrong way or right way to grieve.  But talking to someone, in some manner, is the best way.  Crying at the memory of him when you talk about him is perfectly normal, we all have and still do that.  Crying can be like a safety valve for your emotions and, kind of, resets your heart and emotions so you can function for a bit.  It does for me.  It seems like you are grieving double: your baby and your fiancé.  I cannot imagine what that is like for you.

Going to be three years in December for me. I don't know how I do it mosts days.  I just get up and do it. I work a lot.  I keep busy. I probably have not dealt full on the grief that I should have.  It comes in waves.  If I think about it too much I can't function well.  So I keep busy.  I talked about it with a stranger in a line at a store.  She brought up Covid. So I listened and then told her I lost my husband to it.  I started to well up at the eyes but I stayed strong.  I am always busy until I am not and then it is just way too much time in my own  head.  I come here when I need my "therapy"  I try to help others as a way for me to cope.  I am grateful that I am not crying every single day.  I did that for months. I realized I quoted the wrong posting.....so this goes along with the original post here.    

[BohoKat]

On 9/4/2024 at 11:29 AM, Bou said:

Going to be three years in December for me. I don't know how I do it mosts days.  I just get up and do it. I work a lot.  I keep busy. I probably have not dealt full on the grief that I should have.  It comes in waves.  If I think about it too much I can't function well.  So I keep busy.  I talked about it with a stranger in a line at a store.  She brought up Covid. So I listened and then told her I lost my husband to it.  I started to well up at the eyes but I stayed strong.  I am always busy until I am not and then it is just way too much time in my own  head.  I come here when I need my "therapy"  I try to help others as a way for me to cope.  I am grateful that I am not crying every single day.  I did that for months. I realized I quoted the wrong posting.....so this goes along with the original post here.    

@Foreverandalways28  It was three years for me back in May, lost him to liver cancer after many years of marriage. He was my soulmate and very best friend.

The first year I cried all the time. Much of the second year I was numb for months at a time. This third year is more like a roller coaster up and down on different days but occasionally finally feeling a little peace.

 I agree with @Bou, I’m not sure how I just get up and do it I just do. I still cry but not as much.  I take flowers to the cemetery every couple of months and have conversations there. At home, I still talk to his pictures especially when special music strikes a chord. I don’t feel as crazy as I did at first just try to do things to honor him.

[AJ4]

It is coming up 3 years ago that I lost my husband to cancer.   I still struggle with the same feelings, only they don't seem as "sharp" as they did right at first.  Talking about him is still something I want to do.  I still cry sometimes.  I also lost my dad this year, and my uncle just a few weeks ago, so these things tend to pile on more grief on me when I was still hurting already.   I hate that my mom and my aunt are having the same experience of pain that I had.   I have constant dread of losing people, to the point that I wake up before my alarm with the fear that the phone is ringing with bad news, and I wake in a panic, but the phone is not ringing.  

[Foreverandalways28]

On 9/16/2024 at 8:55 PM, AJ4 said:

It is coming up 3 years ago that I lost my husband to cancer.   I still struggle with the same feelings, only they don't seem as "sharp" as they did right at first.  Talking about him is still something I want to do.  I still cry sometimes.  I also lost my dad this year, and my uncle just a few weeks ago, so these things tend to pile on more grief on me when I was still hurting already.   I hate that my mom and my aunt are having the same experience of pain that I had.   I have constant dread of losing people, to the point that I wake up before my alarm with the fear that the phone is ringing with bad news, and I wake in a panic, but the phone is not ringing.  

Firstly, I’m so sorry for your losses. I’ve definitely been there. I can relate to waking up in a panic that the phone will ring with bad news. I lost my 11 year old brother December of 2019, the night before my birthday and would lose my grandmother a few months later in June of 2020 and then my fiancé the next year. It’s almost like it’s ptsd due to so many losses close together. There’s seems like there’s no time to grieve before you’re grieving someone else. Has it become easier to talk about your husband now? I hate that you’re going through this as well but it makes me feel not so alone.  Sending love ❤️ 

[Foreverandalways28]

On 9/4/2024 at 11:29 AM, Bou said:

Going to be three years in December for me. I don't know how I do it mosts days.  I just get up and do it. I work a lot.  I keep busy. I probably have not dealt full on the grief that I should have.  It comes in waves.  If I think about it too much I can't function well.  So I keep busy.  I talked about it with a stranger in a line at a store.  She brought up Covid. So I listened and then told her I lost my husband to it.  I started to well up at the eyes but I stayed strong.  I am always busy until I am not and then it is just way too much time in my own  head.  I come here when I need my "therapy"  I try to help others as a way for me to cope.  I am grateful that I am not crying every single day.  I did that for months. I realized I quoted the wrong posting.....so this goes along with the original post here.    

I think you finally put what I’ve been feeling into words I couldn’t verbalize with “if I think about it too much, I can’t function well” that’s exactly how I feel. How do you find a good balance of allowing yourself to feel but not letting it overtake you?

On 8/29/2024 at 5:28 AM, KayC said:

Welcome to our site.  It helps to know you are heard by others who understand...just change the date and details, we've al been through it and remember like it was yesterday. It helps to come here to read and post.

I am so sorry for your immense loss.   You can't bury grief, it'll find and haunt you.  And I'm sorry for your baby as well, I lost three very wanted children (miscarriages), one five months along.  

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

Everyone's journey is unique, it helps to save these tips as not all will speak to you now, some further down the road, no rhyme or reason to the order.

Thank you so much for this. It was very validating and heartwarming ❤️

[Foreverandalways28]

On 8/29/2024 at 2:51 AM, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

So very sorry for your loss.  Yes, being in the service makes it specially difficult to attend to family emergencies or other special events, as it were, like funerals.  I do know that if you and your fiancé were not legally married, the Navy did not see the urgency of you being able to leave boot camp for the funeral.  That only happens for immediate family.  Even if your company commander might have agreed to emergency leave for you, Navy regs being what they are, can be pretty specific and unyielding.  Are you still in the Navy?

You are in the correct place to share your thoughts and emotions.  You are in the correct place to make your message as long or as short as you wish.  We all have experienced this most awful of losses imaginable.  Some of us are “old hands” at this, and some others of us are just starting this journey of grief.  There is no wrong way or right way to grieve.  But talking to someone, in some manner, is the best way.  Crying at the memory of him when you talk about him is perfectly normal, we all have and still do that.  Crying can be like a safety valve for your emotions and, kind of, resets your heart and emotions so you can function for a bit.  It does for me.  It seems like you are grieving double: your baby and your fiancé.  I cannot imagine what that is like for you.

Unfortunately, his family as well as my own family did not notify me until my graduation day. A day that was supposed to be filled with lots of relief, pride and joy was turned into a nightmare in a matter of seconds. I have nothing but bad memories of my graduation. I don’t look at photos. My own service photo is a horrible reminder of that day. They thought they were protecting me from a possible separation if I spiraled in bootcamp and while I understand their heart behind it, it hurts to know I missed his funeral and last moments to say goodbye. I am currently still in the Navy with three years left of my contract. It has kept me distracted for the most part and for that, I'm thankful.

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Foreverandalways28 said:

it hurts to know I missed his funeral and last moments to say goodbye.

I am so sorry.  The way everything happened sounds horrible.  I wish I could give you a big hug.  Thank you for your service but a part of me wishes you didn't have to be there and go through this the way it evolved.  They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger but there's definately been things I wish I'd been spared.

[RichS]

On 8/29/2024 at 12:01 AM, Foreverandalways28 said:

I’m hoping to meet some new people who may have gone through the same thing as me who can offer encouragement.

Glad that you've found this board. Here you will meet just those kind of people who know what you're going through. Please continue to post here. WELCOME!!