Social invitations and making excuses

[DWS]

I am hoping someone can relate to this topic. I have two social engagements that I've been invited to this upcoming Labour Day weekend that have been giving me headaches. For the most part, I have been able to bypass others but with so much time that has now passed since Tom's death, I'm feeling some pressure to start dealing with this type of hurdle head-on. Unless I actually want to completely close myself off from the outside world (tempting as it is), I'm seeing that there is some responsibility/obligation/expectation to show up occasionally even if I don't want to. Up to this point, I've ignored certain invitations and declined others with excuses. I've just passed a personally important two and a half year mark and I still don't have much interest in social interaction. How does one delicately keep coming up with excuses? The "I'm just not ready yet" reason just doesn't seem to cut it anymore...despite how truthful it is. 

[KayC]

My husband died 6/19 and 7/4 I was invited to a BBQ.  I wasn't ready, of course, and declined, but was never invited again.

It's hard no matter what we do.

[Gail 8588]

DWS, 

I struggled with this issue a long time. 

In the beginning, I declined most everything because I didn't  want to go. I didn't  want to be around people. 

As years went by, I questioned whether keeping myself isolated was hurting me more than helping me. Was the comfort of my quiet safe home keeping me lonely and depressed? Shouldn't  I try to live in the world again? 

I tried to accept some invitations. If I felt too panicked I would fail to go even though I had accepted.. Sometimes I could get to the gathering, but then bolt after 15 minutes.  Sometimes I would go and stay for a reasonable time, but be miserable on the inside while forcing a smile or nod on the outside. 

It took a long time (about 5 years)  before I could accept an invitation and just be relaxed about it.  But I was a strong introvert before John died, and I still am one.

At some point you may determine that you want to begin to try to socialize again. Don't be hard on yourself if you go back and forth on this. It's hard.

I find making "excuses" to decline is incredibly easy these days, even at the last minute.  Covid has been very helpful in this regard.   "I'm so sorry I won't  be able to attend, but I have been advised that friends that I have had close contact with have tested positive for Covid.  I have a cough and I just don't  want to risk exposing anyone at your gathering if it turns out I have caught Covid.  Thanks so much for including me."

It's  hard for anyone to take offense or badger you to come with such an excuse. 

You may have ethical issues with being less than truthful, but I am okay with using this kind of excuse just to avoid being dragged to events by well-meaning friends.  I'm  just too tired to argue.

 

 

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

6 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

As years went by, I questioned whether keeping myself isolated was hurting me more than helping me. Was the comfort of my quiet safe home keeping me lonely and depressed? Shouldn't  I try to live in the world again? 

That is the key concept here.  Should one stay away from people in the quiet, safe cocoon of isolation at home, or make an honest attempt to interact with people and attempt to return to a semblance of living.  To shut one’s self away is to close one’s self off from important social connections that feed our minds and our souls.  Humans are social creatures and we need to be with other people to live a sane life, I believe.  To refuse to interact socially with even close and dear friends is to invite those close and dear friends to feel as if they are not appreciated and perhaps give up on a person altogether.  We have already discussed how some friends and acquaintances tend to drift off in their own world separate from our world of grief.  By staying away from social interactions one might tend to drive away the rest that are still around.  I am a newbie on this journey but I realized at some point I had to get out of the house, out of Sandy Eggo, and go visit family and friends in TX, otherwise those family and friend connections could become frayed.  I needed to do it for myself, and I feel my friends and family needed me to do it for them also.  It was hard being there without my bride but talking story about her with everyone helped me keep her memory alive with them.  I shared some stories no one had ever heard of our early dating days and those stories made us all laugh and smile warmly.  Well, that’s my 2 cents.  

[DWS]

Thanks for the comments so far. I'm in a little better headspace than when I first posted this topic. One of the invitations was to my friend's pool party this weekend. This is the friend of mine from the past who showed up out of the blue a few months ago. We've known each other for 40 years but have only kept in touch sporadically over that time. When he was here, he mentioned that he and his partner have an annual Labour Day pool party and put the invitation out there. They live two and a half hours from me and said I was welcome to stay the night. I'm certain there would be other overnight guests as well because they have a fairly large home. The whole thing overwhelmed me back then and my feelings haven't changed over the course of the summer. I've never been a pool party type to begin with.

So I've been fretting for a few weeks about how to decline without disappointing him. He has been surprisingly understanding of what I am going through but at the same time, has invited me to a couple of other events which I declined. Much of this involves the distance of going to these things and my being a homebody type. But he phoned last night and everything's just fine. He wasn't at all upset when I told him that I wouldn't be there. We had a nice long chat. I will be forcing myself to go to the other event happening this weekend which is a large brunch gathering in town with people I haven't seen since Tom's been gone. Many of them knew him so it won't be easy. 

[KayC]

I think you're handling it well, considering it's only been 2 1/2 years,

[DWS]

So much of this is who you talk to because there are far too many out there who just can't understand why someone's not "over it" after six months or so. And it sure doesn't help when they know someone who seemed to be....as if we're all built the same. 

[KayC]

They're crazy. And a lot of it depends on the marriage they had.

[DWS]

It's amazing this headache that I've been coping with in the past few days after making the decision to attend a weekend brunch with a group from my past. It's not any type of formal thing...just a very down-to-earth gathering that I used to look forward to. It's at this older couple's penthouse with a beautiful outdoor terrace that I've always marveled at with their gardening skills. Amazing that something that I found very enjoyable is now this pending nightmare!

I think one of my biggest fears is just having to handle all of those tedious idioms and comments people say about a loved one's death....how it's all dismissively narrowed down to this common everyday thing that we all have to deal with in life. No one with a severely broken heart and carrying grief wants to hear that. I certainly don't. I'm not sure how I will respond to someone saying something along the lines of "It's good to see you again. It's not healthy to hide away forever". This is going to be awkward and uncomfortable for me because after everything that I've learned, I'm still unsure whether I will be able to agree with them! 

[KayC]

When they say something you disagree with (enough that makes you shudder inside), say something to them, tell them why you disagree.  How will they know otherwise?  It's something we only fully get when we've been through it, but they can learn what to say/not say.  I had to do this with my sisters.  They still don't get it, they still have their spouses.
12 Things Not to Say to Grieving Nonbelievers - Alternet.org
5 Things NOT to Say to Someone Who is Grieving - Grief In Common
What to Say to Someone Who’s Grieving
What to Say (Or Not) to A Person in Grief

Edited August 31 by KayC
Meant to write disagree

[foreverhis]

On 8/28/2024 at 9:55 AM, DWS said:

So much of this is who you talk to because there are far too many out there who just can't understand why someone's not "over it" after six months or so. And it sure doesn't help when they know someone who seemed to be....as if we're all built the same. 

I bet that those who say they know someone who was “over it” 6 months later have no clue about how that person was really feeling. Most of us learn to put on a facade after a while because people think we should be over it (as if!), we don’t want to be a burden, and society mostly sucks at understanding deep grief and loss. I would bet that the people they’re talking about only pretended to be over it around them, but were just like the rest of us when alone or with others who actually understand.

[KayC]

Yes and like I've said, not all marriages are the same.  I knew someone who never grieved for her husband because there was nothing to grieve, no good parts, he was an abusive alcoholic that beat on her throughout their marriage.   I would have had tremendous support had I lost my kids' dad but I would not have grieved the same as I did George.  My marriage to their dad was emotionally defunct and there was no intimacy or love. He was controlling and emotionally abusive.   With George, he was my soulmate, we were connected, always understood each other and loved and cared for each other very much.

[WithoutHer]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

Yes and like I've said, not all marriages are the same.  I knew someone who never grieved for her husband because there was nothing to grieve, no good parts, he was an abusive alcoholic that beat on her throughout their marriage.   I would have had tremendous support had I lost my kids' dad but I would not have grieved the same as I did George.  My marriage to their dad was emotionally defunct and there was no intimacy or love. He was controlling and emotionally abusive.   With George, he was my soulmate, we were connected, always understood each other and loved and cared for each other very much.

I understand and feel this just as you said. I don't think either of us would have spent much time if any grieving our prior partners. We like you were connected to each other in a way neither of us ever experienced. We were each other's person and many never truly find that.

[KayC]

I will forever be grateful for the time we had, even though all too short.

[DWS]

This past Sunday, I attended the special brunch gathering with people that I used to socialize with quite often. I was determined to make this step and almost backed out. The heavy emotional buildup that I went through beforehand was ridiculous...venturing out without Tom by my side and knowing others would be witnessing this. But I went and things went okay. I received hugs and lots of "it's so wonderful to see you here" and their hopes that I'll be participating more again. 

It's not nice for me to say this but I need to and hope this doesn't offend. The one thing that was particularly challenging for me while I was there was seeing the fact that everyone from this social circle were still there. The only one missing was Tom. The couples that I knew before still had their persons with them. A lot of them are much older. A lot of them have their continuing health issues. But they were still there...chatting and laughing and talking of recent travels and similar things that we all talked about in the past. It was like time hadn't changed a damn thing other than remove my special person from it. 

[KayC]

I'm sorry.  I know how unfair it feels.  Only a couple of people in my church are still there from when my husband was alive, and remember him.  I'm alone in this, forever alone.

[DWS]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

Only a couple of people in my church are still there from when my husband was alive, and remember him. 

One of the things that I didn't want and kept me from stepping out more was giving those who knew Tom the impression that I'm "over it". I think there's a certain type of relief and satisfaction we give to others when we show up after such a huge loss and though I wouldn't want others to fret that I'm going to hide away forever, I won't shy away from letting people know that this continually hurts. But the deeper I think about the turmoil that I went through before going was my own fears of whether making this step of socializing again actually meant that I was getting "over it" and perhaps will now be leaving him behind. Today, I'm feeling a personal relief that this isn't the case at all and actually starting to envision how Tom can stay with me. My biggest fear is losing him to time and distance and this social outing actually let me know that I won't. That's an important revelation.

[foreverhis]

On 9/2/2024 at 10:05 AM, KayC said:

Yes and like I've said, not all marriages are the same.  I knew someone who never grieved for her husband because there was nothing to grieve, no good parts, he was an abusive alcoholic that beat on her throughout their marriage.   I would have had tremendous support had I lost my kids' dad but I would not have grieved the same as I did George.  My marriage to their dad was emotionally defunct and there was no intimacy or love. He was controlling and emotionally abusive.   With George, he was my soulmate, we were connected, always understood each other and loved and cared for each other very much.

That's very true.  We here were lucky enough to find our soulmates.  No doubt there are those who not only move on/forward faster, but feel tremendous relief.  I suspect that comes with its own set of emotional issues.

I can't help but think that a reasonable response to, "So-and-so moved on in 6 months," is "Everyone's grief is different.  It's not possible for me to do that.  Please don't expect me to or try to hold me to a set time line."  I don't know how well that might go over with people, but it is true.

[Sar123]

5 hours ago, DWS said:

the impression that I'm "over it". I

The term that resonates with me currently is- adjusting to my grief rather than saying “moving forward” or that I’m over it. I have found their intentions are good because they just want me to be in a good place. Close friends seem taken aback when I tell them that I will never be the kind of happy I was when my husband was alive. I can put on a good front and I can laugh at times and enjoy the moment, but after I go home and it’s just me and my dog, I miss my husband not being here. It’s just not the same . I’m still adjusting to this grief and I know I will always carry it with me. Since I am an introvert, I don’t get out that much. When I do, it’s usually a small group of close friends that I’m comfortable with. I have to adjust to being alone most of the time and that’s okay. I’m getting used to it. Texts, phone calls and video chats help. It’s been a slow process getting used to this life, but what else can I do but to keep on keeping on as they say. 

[KayC]

13 hours ago, Sar123 said:

I will never be the kind of happy I was when my husband was alive.

Amen!  We don't have them to hold us. When he held me I had that overwhelming feeling that "life is good."  It flooded over and around me. I haven't had that feeling since he died.

17 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I can't help but think that a reasonable response to, "So-and-so moved on in 6 months," is "Everyone's grief is different.  It's not possible for me to do that.

For sure!  As many of us have discovered, grief has a beginning but not an ending.  It changes form but is still there for us to deal with.