Longing for my mother

[Aus1412]

Mom passed away at the end of last month.  Today was a particular sad day.  I tried to get through work on the computer, but the tears just kept coming.  Not sobbing crying, well, here and there, but the tears were just flowing as I silently worked.  I kept picturing my mother, a petite woman, so beautiful, well-dressed, and cute as can be. I kept picturing her today especially, in this soft brown sweater she would wear, with the this really soft hat that was really chic.  As I pictured her, in my mind I go up to her and wrap my arms around her.  Sometimes she wraps her arms around me.    But she's always standing a distance away, I guess symbolic that she is truly out of reach.

Today I talked to her and just kept asking, "Mom, how could this have happened to us?"  "How could life separate us like this?"  I want to go and get her and bring her home.  My mom was my world.  Whenever I'm standing in the middle of a room and I think of her as permanently gone, my head literally hurts because I cannot process that.  How can this living, breathing, wonderful, warm, loving person that I could see or call at any time just vanish from my life.

I long for my mother.  I want my world with her back.  It's where I lived and where I thrived.  Mom was home.   So this means this is how it is going to be forever?  The thought is unbearable.

Does anyone mind sharing with me how I can cope with longing for my mom so deeply.  I need to see her.  To hear her.  So I just go on for years pretending like this is ok and I am alright?  I looked at this random car today.  It looked cozy.  I pictured my mom safe and warm in the back seat, as though I were the driver, and she was all tucked in in the back and I was going to drive her home to be safe and sound.

Lastly, my mind and body are reacting to all of this.  My insides feel like they don't move anymore.  Like all of my organs have died.  It feels like there is literally nothing inside of my body.  Empty.  I don't dream anymore.  There is nothing in my head.  Every piece of me feels empty.  Like my body doesn't want to react to this world that is void of my mother.  And I feel so exhausted from the grief.

If anyone can share some words about this longing, I would appreciate it. 

 

[always_somethin]

I feel it too, empty. My mom did everything for us and made life so comfortable. I think it's brave of you to continue working but you deserve more time to grieve. I wouldn't be able to hold down a regular job like this. My brother and I helped her out with her online sales at home, but now that she's gone everything has come to a halt. I'm so worried about the future.

My mom was often cold so she dressed comfortably in sweaters and colorful, fuzzy socks. She loved my hugs, always told me that it made her feel better. She was grateful for everything and that stuck with me. She also always stressed to have patience, and I'm still working on that.

Your mom sounds very sweet and your love for her will never leave you. You walk with that love and let it carry you forward. Go easy on yourself and talk to people you trust. 🕊️

[KayC]

14 minutes ago, always_somethin said:

She was grateful for everything and that stuck with me.

She left you something you can carry with you, gratefulness! 🥰

On 8/26/2024 at 6:28 PM, Aus1412 said:

So I just go on for years pretending like this is ok and I am alright?

No, that's avoidance. Grief is hard work.  

Parent Loss: Continuing Their Song

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Aus1412]

Thank you both for replying.  I read on another post how this person "moving on" felt like she had to move her mother "aside" and "forget about her".  I feel the same.  I will admit I'm waiting for a sign from my mother.  Just something that I can see, feel, or hear that she is somehow still by my side.  My mom was a super hero.  She embraced motherhood with all that she had.  She made sure we had everything and the best of everything.  Mom could always sense when I needed money and somehow called me to ask, "Do you need some money?"  It was like magic.  She was so smart.  She knew everything about everything.  She loved me and my sister to no end.  Without my mom in this world, I feel threatened.  Unsafe.  Her love and presence brought a warmth and happiness to my life.  The world I walk around in now is so "still".    Whenever I was about to see my mom, I felt a joy because I was about to see her.  Just seeing her brought me joy.  Walking into a room where she was brought me joy.  Her humor was out of this world.  Her funny sarcasm made her a joy to be around.  Sometimes I feel her loss is temporary.  Like somehow I will see her soon and she and I will carry on.  My mom's presence was so strong and cherished, how can she just be "gone".  HOW DOES LIFE TAKE MY MOM AWAY!!!!  Someone so beautiful and capable....how does she just die?  I feel like I was kicked out of real life and landed on the hard concrete.  

I now live in a world that looks the same but is vastly different.   I know I will never be loved like my mother loved me.  

Thank you both for your kind words and your efforts in trying to help.  I am so  sorry for your loss.  Because a loss it very much is......

[KayC]

We would never cast them aside, we don't get a choice in this.