My Sweet Carter

[Carter2024]

Hello….. I lost my soul mate Friday night and I am utterly gutted. I feel like my soul has splintered. I feel responsible for his death and I know that my inaction lead to his death. I cannot forgive myself. We had him since he was 4 months old and he went everywhere with us. He truly was my little shadow. He was a cavalier King Charles and an absolute love sponge. He went on many camping adventures, he was therapy trained and I worked hospice for a long time so he would join me in the office at work. He was a quiet, patient and loving little guy. Everyone who met him commented on his sweet little personality. He never was without me unless we had to go somewhere that he couldn’t and then he was watched by my mom. He was diagnosed with a murmur in 2022 and about a year ago he was in congestive heart failure. We started  medication regimen and it seemed to help him somewhat but he still really slowed down and seemed a lot more tired. We used to hike a lot but he couldn’t do it anymore. We did get a backpack so he could still join us on occasion. This last couple of months he seemed to be declining but holding steady. He started to fight taking his medication and we ran out of one of the three and I ordered it but had not picked it up yet.  He continued to take the other two but not always because it was just seemed to stress him and myself. He was also scheduled to see his vet but everything happened before his appointment. I had Covid and I think I just missed the signs as he always seemed to hold steady and with the appointment coming I thought I had more time. Well Friday I came home from work and he was having labored breathing and his tongue and gums were bluish. I ran him to the emergency vet and they put him on oxygen and gave him lasix but his condition seemed to worsen. My husband and I made the horrific decision to let him go. Now I feel horrible for not getting that med picked up and making him take them or getting him to the vet earlier and missing certain signs that seem utterly clear today. I am not sure how to live with myself anymore. He deserved so much better than I gave him and I feel like I betrayed him. How do I forgive myself? The house is so empty without his little shuffling feet and his snoring. A lot of people talk about being visited by their furry babies after they die and I haven’t had a visit and I worry it’s because he blames me for his early death. Please help! 

Edited August 27 by Carter2024
More clarity

[KayC]

I called my last dog, Arlie, that I lost 8/16/2019 my soulmate om a dog.  He was diagnosed with inoperable cancer just two weeks after he got a perfect bill of health (age 11 1/2 when he died)...how?  They missed it, pure and simple.  VCA...he lived two months ten days longer.

It helped me to write stories about his life as a way of memorializing him.

I haven't had any visits from him but trust your dog forgives you whatever you think you caused...I'm not certain you did, that it was his time to go.  What I've had a hard time with is...we went to a different vet for his euthanasia and they botched it big time, causing him to go out in extreme pain.  I've never seen the contorted look on his face, pure anguish, when he died...it was because they underanesthetized him because they hadn't calibrated their scale.  I remembere his vet told me when he started to lose weight he'd go soon after...so I kept plying him with food.  The only dog ever to gain weight with cancer.  I didn't discover this until my 25 1/2 year old Kitty was put to sleep and my GF got on their scale and said 127!  I weighed 139 at the doctor's when I went!  Then I knew.  He'd gained 7 lbs, a significant amount.

 

The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died nearly 19 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

You can rest assured your dog is at peace now.

 

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.