Grief Never Stops

[rebecca b]

I am new here.  I wanted to write a little before I lose my nerve.  I am going to explain why I am here and then I will talk about my mom in my next post.  I lost my dad in 2004 to cancer.  He was 83.  I lost my mom to a heart attack in 2016.  She was 89.  I am 71 now and I grieve for my dad like I did the days and weeks after he died.  I flew to Texas for his last days in a coma and then stayed for the funeral.  A few days after I came home I went to the grocery store.  I was walking down one of the aisles and saw a jar of sorghum molasses, I ran out of the store in tears.  That molasses was my dad's favorite treat for breakfast.  Being a child of the depression it was a rare thing for him to get sweets.  I will never forget the way his eyes twinkled as he "slathered" the margarine and then poured some molasses  on a homemade biscuit in the mornings.  My husband took me to some yard sales the following summer and I found a book on the civil war by Bruce Catton, dad's favorite author and subject.  I ran to the car crying, I wanted my dad to have that book.   Over twenty years now since he passed and I am still grieving as though it were just days ago.  I lay in bed and try to make deals with God to let me go back in time, with the knowledge i have now,  to be with him again,.   He always wore Old Spice on Sundays and I am planning to buy some this week so I can "smell" him again.  Will it make it hurt worse?  I don't know.  It was my favorite smell when I was a little girl.  Now I am an old woman and I look forward to my last days where I will either be reunited with my mom and dad, or I will just cease to be, not hurting anymore.  I am being treated for major depression and if the medicines are working, I would hate to feel the full impact without the medications.  Thank you to anyone who reads this.

[Traz]

Hi Rebecca,

I can relate to your feelings and how the grief from earlier losses can come roaring back after years. In my case, I think it has to do with getting older and I have to say, menopause has certainly been it's own brand of special hell. Emotions in the extreme lows, not to mention the physical issues. Whoever said "getting old sucks" was right!

My dad's been gone since 1998 and my mom passed in 2019. When the pandemic hit, I found myself grieving heavily again for my dad as well as my mom. Aging is hard and with each year that passes, we feel our own mortality a bit more. I think the natural thing we want is to feel safe and secure again. My dad made me feel like that, so I can totally relate wanting anything that will make you feel close to your dad.

I was devastated earlier this year when I discovered a precious doll my mother made for me when I was five, went missing. We had a flood in our basement a couple of years ago and the reno company came and packed up all our stuff. I figure she was lost then. It makes me sick to think about it. Later on I was going through some things and I found a doll blanket she made for me when I was little. So... I sleep with it. Rebecca, I am 58 years old and sleeping with a doll's blanket! But, my mother's hands sewed that blanket and it brings me comfort. So you wanting to buy some Old Spice is perfectly wonderful!

I also have  depression and anxiety. Its been well under control for 16 years, but I feel myself slipping at times. I know that I think too much and spend too much time in the past, trying to relive my childhood and the happy times in my family. My dad was a huge influence in my life - I was a dad's girl and we were like best friends at times. Triggers will set me off too, like the Christmas song Sleigh Ride  (the Boston Pops version) will have me sobbing in seconds. My dad would play that for me every Christmas when I was little because he got a kick out of how much joy it brought me. It sounds like your dad was so very special to you too. 

I think about death too much. I've got 2 siblings left and that's it from my nuclear family. I have my husband and 2 daughters but one lives on the other side of the country and that's been very difficult. So, I have joined a chair yoga class that starts in October. I joined because I need to get out of my own head a bit. Maybe you could see what your community centers offer, in terms of programs?

I realize I sometimes spend too much time thinking and that leads to feeling depressed. 

One thing that has really helped my grief is watching the many videos on YouTube about near death experiences. It helped me know that there is a purpose and higher order to things. I know now that our loved ones really exist but just in a different form. 

I wish you peace. Xo 

Traz

 

[Kevin8988]

I finally donated my mom's wheelchair to the charity.  She used this wheelchair for 7 years until she passed 2 years ago.  I have been keeping it, and finally am able to let it go.  I dreamed of my mom last night, I was very sad in my dream, but at the end of my dream my mom looked OK.

[Traz]

It's so hard to give up things that are tied to our loved ones. That must have been difficult, but I'm glad you felt strong enough to let it go. Now another person will benefit from your kindness and your mom is smiling down at you. (I just feel that in my heart) I also believe that dreams are a way of connection to those that have passed.  

Thinking of you & wishing you well,

Traz

[Matthew48]

I just came back from a vacation with my father and my sister. While we all had a good time, I experienced horrible bouts of grief that I didn't share with anyone. I'm well into my second year of grief, and I swear it hurts 100 times worse than in the first year. Why? Because in the first year, there was so much shock and disbelief. Now, there's not much of that left these days. 

I just hope that things soften up a bit for me. I  think I am going to die sometimes because I get so sad.  I always think my mother could have lived another 10-15 years, as she was in early 70s. My Dad is in excellent health and almost 80. I just don't understand. My mother was in perfect health until she was 70, too. Then, all hell broke lose: aplastic anemia (autoimmune blood disease + brain bleed (almost a year later) and then seizures, which led to an infection that caused sepsis shock and ultimately her death. Although my mother had her memory/cognitive skills and several personality traits left intact after her stroke, she was never the same again. So, we essentially lost her when she had her stroke (almost 2 years before her death). We lost her twice. This stuff eats at me at times.   

[KayC]

Oh Matthew, I'm so sorry.  I know that's how it is with grief.  You and Traz have been esp. dear to me, it saddens me to think of either of you hurting.

[Matthew48]

20 hours ago, KayC said:

Oh Matthew, I'm so sorry.  I know that's how it is with grief.  You and Traz have been esp. dear to me, it saddens me to think of either of you hurting.

Your compassion is priceless.  All I want is someone to hear me and know how I feel.

Take good care of yourself, Kay.

 

[KayC]

Thank you.

[KayC]

22 hours ago, Matthew48 said:

Your compassion is priceless.  All I want is someone to hear me and know how I feel.

Take good care of yourself, Kay.

 

Well someone reported me for responding on their thread so evidently not everyone feels the same as you!  I thought I was being helpful!  I removed all of my posts there.

[Matthew48]

On 9/11/2024 at 1:51 PM, KayC said:

Well someone reported me for responding on their thread so evidently not everyone feels the same as you!  I thought I was being helpful!  I removed all of my posts there.

No matter what, I value your compassion. And I'm sure many others do, too. I've been super kind to people, only to be thrown under the bus for no reason. There's nothing you can do about it. Your intentions were pure and sound --that's all that matters. 

We cannot please everyone, nor is our kindness/compassion/love reciprocated. It's just part of life.

Keep sharing your stories, love and compassion with those grieving.  People like you are rare.  When I read through your stories/anecdotes, they are a real comfort for me. We need others to relate to, etc. 

Take good care.